Tag Archives: party

Switch Off Your Autopilot

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-I haven’t been able to gauge which one is better after a night of partying; waking up naked, or waking up fully clothed in what I wore the night before.

-I love a good story about people wasting their lives searching for the fountain of youth. So much irony.

-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who names feathers in their hat anyway? This shit keeps me awake at night.

-You can wear a sports jersey if: (1) you actually play the damn sport, (2) you are at the actual sporting event, (3) you are sleeping with the athlete whose name is on the jersey. If you are not meeting the requirements of (1) or (2), then (3) will be assumed.

-“I miss you as much as I miss the toilet when I’m drunk.”

-Even if you eat Cheetos with a knife and fork, you will still somehow have orange crumbs on all of your fingertips. Even if you eat Cheetos while wearing a fully enclosed biological suit you will still get orange crumbs on your fingertips, that shit is inescapable.

-Zombies hate nothing more than a boarded up entryway.

-On slow afternoons I memorize the words to porno movies.

-Earlier this week I had a day where it seemed everything I touched, I broke. I was too terrified to use the restroom.

-One does not dabble in the friend zone. Foot, thigh, waist, shoulders, head; the friend zone swallows you whole.

-“Why are you dressed like a pirate? Halloween isn’t for months.”
“It’s laundry day.”
“But you had to wear the eye patch?”
“It completes the outfit!”

-No one wants to go down on their significant other and feel like they’re talking to ZZ Top.

-As a man, I can confidently inform the female population that getting sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine is a terrible idea. Those articles are not typically written by heterosexual males, so the validity of the information is highly questionable and subject to great bias. You’d be better off asking a nun what men like in the bedroom.

Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples

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Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.

Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.

 

Women’s Costumes

figure 1

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The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.

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figure 2

If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

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figure 3

What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.

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figure 4

Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.

Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.

 

Men’s Costumes

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Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.

You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume.  Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].

You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.

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Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.

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Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.

Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.

Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”

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Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.

Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].

 

Couple’s Costumes

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These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!

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The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.

… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.

That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!

Douchebaggery – The “Am I Total Douche” Hand Guide

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Here’s a little list to determine if you qualify to be a gigantic douche. Pictures and examples included.

Before we get knee deep in vinegar though, we need to get the basic facts out of the way first. The generally accepted definition of a “douchebag” is someone who posses a variety of negative qualities, specifically arrogance, who engages in obnoxious and/or irritating actions without malicious intent.

-Being a douchebag is like any other fun disease in the fact that it’s contagious.

 

Example 1 - Douche Group

Example 1 - Douche Group

-Like many other plagues on today’s culture, being a douchebag is a fad. It’s a trend that will eventually go the way of the dodo and the rest of the world will let out a big sigh of relief. Because, there for a moment, adults feared that the future of our species would be a collection of abundant hair gel products and fake tanning bronzer.

-Some people have made a living off being a douchebag. Judge Judy and Dr. Phil are two great examples.

Example 2 - Famous Douche

Example 2 - Famous Douche

-That’s right; you don’t have to be a guy to be a douchebag anymore. Like I said, it’s contagious.

-Although the term “douchebag” is used pretty much exclusively in the United States, thanks to modern amenities like television and the glorious internet, douchebaggery is spreading across the globe. Here are some Swedish d-bags:

Example 3 - Swedish Douches

Example 3 - Swedish Douches

-This brings me to another common practice of these Oompa Loompas: pointing in random directions during photographs. It’s as if they are actually telling us “Don’t take a picture of me; there is actually someone of depth and integrity over there to the left.”

Example 4 - Gesturing Douches

Example 4 - Gesturing Douches

-Even disagreeing with them as much as I do, the fact is, douchebags do get the ladies attention. Take this lucky douche for example:

Example 5 - Lucky Douche

Example 5 - Lucky Douche

-Maybe the girls like them because they both use the same Maybelline products or maybe it’s because these vinegar bags spend more time at the mall than the girls do. Who knows.

Example 6 - Pretty Douche

Example 6 - Pretty Douche

-Like all trends though, it’s not for everyone, and not all girls are fans of douchebags [luckily].

Example 7 - Busted Douche

Example 7 - Busted Douche

-I’ll be counting down the days until this trend fades out of existence. Until then however, don’t be a complete tool.

Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche

Example 8 - Too Many Collars Douche

There Aren’t Any Chaperons At Camp Awesome

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-Have you ever had one of those moments where you are just tired of drinking, but, for some reason, you keep drinking anyway?

-I don’t know about you, but I think we should just get rid of Wednesday and Thursday.

-When you really break it down, there are only two people in the United States who decide what you see or don’t see on the news. Yes, two people.

-Wow, somewhere in the neighborhood of $250,000 space porn. A piece of astronaut gear is going up for auction; it’s a page from the manuals of the Apollo 16 crew featuring a doodle of an astronaut and a naked cartoon space bimbo. [link to auction, NSFW cartoon boobies: http://www.daylife.com/photo/05QR51Y2Ga7NL ]

-All movies should end with every single main character dying, simply to prevent Hollywood from making some shitty sequel. Sure after a while it’d be predictable, but it’d be interesting to see how directors could kill off an entire cast within realistic boundaries of the story.

-Next time you’re filling up, be sure to spray the person on the other side of the pump with gasoline. It’s a cool, refreshing way to add some enjoyment to their day in these warm summer months.

-This beats the hell out of those annoying “Can you hear me now?” commercials. This is one of the first commercials for a cell phone from 1989. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that music in at least 5 different adult films though. [video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptbJZ9HBw2k ]

-Every time I assemble a puzzle that’s missing pieces it reminds me of the age old classic tale of the beloved Humpty Dumpty.

-Hopefully, by the time that the sun finally explodes there is such a thing as sunblock with SPF 3,000,000,000.

-It’s just an assumption, but I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with “jumping jacks” was probably named Jack… or Jumping.

-Here’s some good advice to help you live just a little bit longer: trust no one, take no chances, think of every consequence, look twice, keep to yourself, and be a pessimist. You’ll live longer, but you won’t live any happier.

-If I could possibly own everything in the world, I’d give it all away anyway. And you, my friend, would get all of the rubber bands.

-Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to send a thank you and happy birthday message to one of my most dedicated readers! Happy birthday Jennifer!

Misdirection

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-Justice is a delicate pie that is all too often delivered by a poorly trained monkey riding a rocket at full speed through a tornado.

-I’m a man of my word – and my word is boobies.

-Good things come to those who wait. Unless you’re waiting on concert tickets, those just get worse and worse the longer you wait. Well, unless you really want to sit in row ZZ99 situated right behind a giant cement column.

-Honorable mention is kind of a pointless award in an eating contest. You pretty much just went on stage and had a nice meal, nothing particularly honorable about that.

-I’m happy and I know it, I just refuse to clap my hands. Thus, I will not show it.

-I’m sick of these backyard dog relationships. Barking at each other through the fence then when face to face they just sniff each other’s asses and act like everything’s hunky-dory.

-Summer is my favorite time of year. It means I can finally throw a B.B.B.B.B.Q. (bikini, beer, beach, barbeque) party.

-”Isn’t this a magical moment, sweetie?”
“No, a truck full of crystal balls crashing into a glitter factory would be a magical moment. This is pretty fucking mundane.”

-Potted plants make me sad; forced to live their lives with a capped potential. It’d be like living a completely normal life but you’d always have to wear clothes too small for you.

-In every instance of my entire life that I said, “I’ll bring my books and study there.” never have I ever actually studied when I got to where I was going.

-I want to do something really great for society so they erect a statue in my honor. And I want that statue to be a dozen foxy nurses riding on the back of a unicorn that’s stabbing Rosie O’Donnell in the heart with its horn. That’d be one hell of a memorial, I think.

-If you’re the successor to a failure does that just make you neutral or another failure?

-Here’s the average work philosophy: work as little as possible, take credit for as much as you can, and bitch about it all the first chance you get.

-When all of the guns are out on the table, it’s too late to change where your allegiances lie.