Tag Archives: patience

There’s A Voice In My Head That Tells Me What To Do

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-I remember when you had to memorize your friend’s phone number. Those were simpler times. Good times.

-You’re the cream cheese to my bagel.

-Only 7.6 billion more years until the earth will be consumed by the sun. I’m so fucking impatient.

-If I was a magician my catch line after trick would be “Fucking tah-da, motherfuckers!”

-The first trick I would master would be to guess the color of your underwear without you taking off any clothes.

-I have no time for patience.

-I’m surprised there aren’t more songs about blowjobs.

-One of the reasons why NASA hesitates to send a crew to Mars is because of the very high likelihood that one of the astronauts will go insane with “cabin fever” during the three month travel to the red planet. I say you televise it to cover the cost of rocket fuel. Here’s the tagline “Three astronauts enter; only one will leave… Unless of course someone pulls the door latch and they all get sucked out into space.”

-She really has a way with words; especially the words she whispers into my ear.

-“Think outside the box” is great advice unless you are actually trapped inside of a box.

-Before dogs existed on this planet what was doggy-style called? Dino-style? Ameba-style? Single-celled organism-style?

-I’m crazy in love, but I’m still kind of crazy when I’m out of love too.

-I hope you finally get what’s coming to you; and I’m not talking about a serving of delicious apple pie.

Hollowed By Uncertainty

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-I’m pretty sure I could live happily without cotton balls.

-The best part about waking up at 6am is that you don’t have to wake up at 5am.

-”I didn’t hit him. I just gave his face a high-five!”

-Organ donor – A person who is known for having many sexual partners.

-The best times to be non-religious: spring break, summer break, science classes, Halloween, and rock concerts. The worst times to be non-religious: Bar Mitzvahs, Christmas, weddings, funerals, and when playing the lottery.

-Pro Tip: If the humidity is over 100% and you’re surrounded by a dozen naked men, you are either in the Amazon rainforest or a club gym’s sauna room.

-Online dating is great: straight from MySpace to her place.

-Nothing clears your mind like a .45 caliber round through your cranium.

-Every year, nearly a thousand people are burnt by trying to iron their clothes while wearing them. Of those thousand people, one thousand of them are fucking stupid.

-Alcohol makes girls do funny things, like kiss each other… I love alcohol.

-The government doesn’t need to wiretap my phones or monitor by internet activities. They just need to follow me on Twitter. [http://twitter.com/AmznglyMundane]

-I can’t wait until I have kids so I can pass all of my problems, flaws, and shortcomings onto them.

-In some small Midwest towns, the state militias are actually based in the rear parking lot of their local Wal-Mart store.

-Speaking of militias, with the threat of water and oil shortages there has been some far off speculation that war on America’s soil may happen. I just hope no one is dumb enough to try to mobilize through Texas. We have more guns than citizens in some counties.

-Mammo-glamour – A female who has a great bust but otherwise less-than-impressive features.

-Did you know that with a hefty amount of starch you can turn a mop into a broom? Well, now you know. You’re welcome!

-Patience will get you through the day. Patience will keep you waiting.

Deserters Will Be Shot

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-I have a beard, I make the rules.

-If you live along the southern border of the United States, I suggest you learn Spanish. It’s always a good idea to learn the language of your conquerors.

-The good thing about global warming is that maybe I’ll finally have a nice even tan. I don’t know about you, but once the temperature gets above 110 degrees I’m just going to stop wearing pants all together.

-I passed the Good Samaritan test this morning. While walking out to my car, there was a brand new Mercedes car with its door wide open. I looked around, didn’t see anybody nearby so I shut the car door. On my way out of the parking lot a police car stopped me and told me thanks for being so nice, but that they were waiting for someone to try to take the car or for someone to steal belongings from inside. Little did he know, I planned to come back with a big sack so I could more easily carry the sweet roller blades that were laying in the backseat and the two stray golf clubs that were lying on the floorboard. Good thing he blew his cover. That would have been really embarrassing.

-My favorite thing about James Bond flicks is the ridiculous names for the lead ladies. Could you imagine a girl actually having to suffer through public school with a name like Pussy Galore?

-I had a dream that I lived in a great and wonderful world made entirely of sand, then in that dream it started to rain and everything turned to mud and muck. It must have been a representation of my last relationship. Fucking whore, but I digress.

-I’m a very patient man. Yesterday I waited in line at the bank for 45 minutes just to get a pen.

-I wonder who came up with the idea that giving someone a bouquet of thorny, blood red flowers would be a good way to show their love for someone. I would have gone for something lighter in color that didn’t have a possibility of making someone bleed, but I guess that’s just me.

-I dated a model once. A plus size model, but still, doesn’t mean I can’t brag a little.

-Aren’t all drugs recreational drugs? Is there really anyone who takes drugs professionally?

-I’m a strong advocate of free speech. I started a 500 man petition to Wheel of Fortune to stop making people buy vowels.

-”In the backroom she’s everyone darling.”