Tag Archives: pen

Slightly Sketchy With A Chance Of Bullshit

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-My morals are questionable, my beliefs… also questionable… my sexual appetite; undoubtedly insatiable.

-If you have to take medicine for the side-effects of other medicine you have to take, then the medical industry has failed you.

-Worst single’s website screen name for a female: Miss Manslaughter.
Worst single’s website screen name for a male: No Means Yes Please.

-I wonder what terrible things could escalate from me hiring two private detectives to follow one another.

-The best way to get a free pen or pencil is to borrow one from the person next to you and chew on the end of it.

-I’m rubber and you’re glue, so your sexual advances are leaving us both in a sticky, sticky, rubbery mess.

-The only more awkward than the question “Excuse me, where can I find the hemorrhoid cream?” is the response “I’m sorry, I don’t work here.”

-“That’s what she said” jokes are funny, because they aren’t very likely; “That’s what he said” jokes aren’t funny because they’re just true stories.

-Holding hands and thumb war are only a few digit-placements away; proof of the thin line between love and total annihilation.

-If Halloween is an excuse for girls to dress like whores without social ramifications then Halloween is also my chance to be a complete womanizer and cross-eyed cleavage gawker!

-Kicking and screaming is a good way to get what you want anywhere but a china store.

-If you tilt your head a little to the left and squint one eye, this sentence makes even less sense but you’ll look like you just discovered something extremely puzzling to anyone else watching you.

-Until I was about 9 years old, every diagram of the human skeletal system had a “sex bone”. It just made sense.

-I never knew punctuation could be so scary until I heard a friend’s reaction to his girlfriend missing a period.

-I drink a lot to avoid the consequences of being sober enough to be confronted about my drinking problem by my friends, peers, and coworkers.

Progress In Reverse

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-If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I don’t want to come back as a lonely amoeba, waddling my protoplasmic mass around, playing parasite to some unfortunate host.

-If you really had to choose, would you rather lose all of your fingers except your pinkies or would you rather lose all of your toes except the smallest ones, you know, the little piggies that went to the market?

-No one ever needs a king size candy bar. Want it as much as you’d like, but you can’t justify your body needing 10lbs of chocolate covered with a half gallon of caramel and a jars worth of crushed up peanuts.

-”You call this music? Sounds like he’s playing the piano with a garden rake strapped to his dick.”

-Nothing says “I love you” like inviting a total stranger into the bedroom for a night of fun.

-A 400lb doctor telling you that you should eat healthier is like a mother of eight telling me I should practice safe sex.

-IHOP is a classy place to take a girl on a date. The stale coffee smell and the lingering tobacco smoke go great with the delicious food and sticky tabletops.

-It was cut out of the children’s book, but Prince Charming was actually a necrophiliac and thought Sleeping Beauty was dead when he kissed her and was then somewhat disappointed when she woke up and proclaimed he was her one true love. True story.

-A pen is never truly out of ink until it fails the drawing clockwise scribbled circles test.

-Best question I’ve ever been asked: “Where can I find D-batteries and edible undergarments?”

-If I had a time machine I’d go back in time and ruin everyone’s movie going experience by spoiling the ending of every movie during the opening credits.

-I stayed in a very exotic hotel last summer; they had bath mats made out of Siamese cat fur.

-Whoever decided to call an open door “ajar” was a real ass. “The door is ajar.” “No, the door is a door; this open glass container is a jar.” “Yes, the jar is ajar as well.”

-With a little relabeling and some new box art, you could turn a regular retail grill accessory kit into a do it yourself cannibalism kit.

-There is no I in “team” but there is one in “quit” and one in “give up”.