-When in doubt, resort to violence.

-I wear headphones everywhere I go. I don’t always listen to music, I just always wear headphones. It keeps the stupid people from talking to me.

-Eyebrows are a particular thing. Too much hair and you look goofy, too little hair and you look goofy. There’s a fine line between groomed and hysterical.

-You like superhero movies, you like hot babes, you like dripping wet hot babes in superhero movies, so you’re probably going to love Fathom. Fathom is a superhero movie featuring the best looking thing from Transformers; Megan Fox, playing an Aquaman-like heroine. [Source: http://www.variety.com/article/VR1118000796.html?categoryid=13&cs=1]

-Did you know that grapes explode when you put them in the microwave?

-I say a few curse words now and again, but people who like to be tinkled on – those are the real potty mouths!

-It’s been scientifically proven that a man’s beard grows faster when he anticipates sex.

-I wonder which woodworking accident is most common; splinters, smashed thumbs, being trapped inside a flipped port-o-potty, dismemberment, or crazy glue in your underwear?
 
-Nibble and nipple are so close in spelling for a reason.

-Leaving the house without pants on can be kind of embarrassing, but it doesn’t even hold a candle to being caught picking your nose on the jumbotron at a baseball game.

-The dot over a lowercase i is called a tittle.

-I don’t mean to sound like a pessimist, but have you noticed that rainbows are in the shape of a frown?

-If I ever become a bum and need to stand on the side of the road with a sign asking for money, I’m going to write “Need money for Kung Fu lessons.” I think I’d really be able to reach out and grab the attention of my audience.

-Meet me on the dance floor. I’ll be the one spinning in circles doing the ass-slap dance and performing realistic robot gestures in between grabbing my crotch and screaming like I’m Michael Jackson.