Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.
Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.
Women’s Costumes
figure 1
The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.
figure 2
If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.
figure 3
What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.
figure 4
Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.
Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.
Men’s Costumes
figure 1
Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.
You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume. Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].
You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.
figure 2
Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.
figure 3
Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.
Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.
Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”
figure 4
Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.
Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].
Couple’s Costumes
figure 1
These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!
figure 2
The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.
… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.
That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!
