Tag Archives: pirates

Switch Off Your Autopilot

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-I haven’t been able to gauge which one is better after a night of partying; waking up naked, or waking up fully clothed in what I wore the night before.

-I love a good story about people wasting their lives searching for the fountain of youth. So much irony.

-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who names feathers in their hat anyway? This shit keeps me awake at night.

-You can wear a sports jersey if: (1) you actually play the damn sport, (2) you are at the actual sporting event, (3) you are sleeping with the athlete whose name is on the jersey. If you are not meeting the requirements of (1) or (2), then (3) will be assumed.

-“I miss you as much as I miss the toilet when I’m drunk.”

-Even if you eat Cheetos with a knife and fork, you will still somehow have orange crumbs on all of your fingertips. Even if you eat Cheetos while wearing a fully enclosed biological suit you will still get orange crumbs on your fingertips, that shit is inescapable.

-Zombies hate nothing more than a boarded up entryway.

-On slow afternoons I memorize the words to porno movies.

-Earlier this week I had a day where it seemed everything I touched, I broke. I was too terrified to use the restroom.

-One does not dabble in the friend zone. Foot, thigh, waist, shoulders, head; the friend zone swallows you whole.

-“Why are you dressed like a pirate? Halloween isn’t for months.”
“It’s laundry day.”
“But you had to wear the eye patch?”
“It completes the outfit!”

-No one wants to go down on their significant other and feel like they’re talking to ZZ Top.

-As a man, I can confidently inform the female population that getting sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine is a terrible idea. Those articles are not typically written by heterosexual males, so the validity of the information is highly questionable and subject to great bias. You’d be better off asking a nun what men like in the bedroom.

Black And White And Read All Over

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-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.

-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.

-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.

-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.

-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.

-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.

-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.

-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”

-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.

-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.

-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.

-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?

-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”

All Of A Sudden, Change

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-Hungering for knowledge is easy, but it means more than just regurgitating it all back up again for a test.

-Guys never stop two girls from fighting because there’s always the possibility that one of them might pull on the others clothes and a booby just might pop out. Even if the fight is between two girls in Alaska during the winter while they are both wearing two sweaters and a jacket; guys won’t stop the fight and that’s the honest truth.

-I’m really craving to get a new suit and spend a night on the town with a lady all dressed up. I must be getting old, either that or my fetishes are taking a turn for the ridiculously expensive.

-Muff burger, tuna taco: won’t find those on the dollar menu.

-The only difference between me and rock is that a rock can open a can without cutting itself.

-The best supporting actor in Transformers was Megan Fox’s pushup bra.

-I want an internet connection so fast that I’m browsing porn sites before I even know I want to see some nudity.

-I’m not particularly good at pickup lines. Lately I’ve been using this one though with mild success: “I’m probably the most interesting guy in this bar tonight, I’ll treat you right, and I’ll respect you as a fellow human being.”

-I hope that when I’m a dad and I ask my son what he wants to be when he grows up, he doesn’t look up at me and say something like “Daddy, I want to be shot out of a cannon for a living.” That’s one of those times when you really shouldn’t encourage them with the classic “Well, you can be anything you want to be.” line. Then I’d go tell my wife thanks for giving birth to a 45lb cannon ball.

-The details are really scarce in the article, but yesterday a group of pirates tried to board a U.S. cargo ship en route to Mombasa but the pirates couldn’t make it aboard the vessel, gave up and left before a coalition battleship showed up to escort the boat. You call yourself a pirate? Less rum, more training, and next time bring some fucking rope!

-I’ll be damned if I know what those girls on the Spanish-language station are saying, but they sure are pretty, and they’re definitely having a much better time than me.

-Nothing brings the family together like a good old fashioned heart attack.

- Cunnus lingua – the fancier you make it sound, the more exciting and taboo it sounds.