Tag Archives: pole dancer

Confessions Of Two Busy Hands

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-I’ve only been wrong twice. Both instances were the biggest mistakes of my life.

-Heartburn sounds painful, but not nearly as painful as testicle-burn.

-Everyone collects stamps; I collect envelopes.

-”I enjoy your company as much as I enjoy bleeding from the head.” Gotta love the grandparents.

-I don’t help children. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any child crying in the corner is only there to lure me closer so he can slit my throat with a garden sheers.

-If I can go my entire life without being stabbed in the face by an olive fork, then I’d consider my life to be an accomplishment.

-The best way to get the opposite sex’s attention is to simply ignore them. Everyone enjoys attention. When he/she comes around then you can be yourself, make them laugh, and totally swoon them with your sweet Chewbacca tattoo, or showoff whatever shiny things you have to offer.

-I really hope that right now someone is out there making a new Christmas carol for this year. The old ones are getting pretty lame.

-Life is the last gift you’ll receive with no strings attached.

-It’s important to have friends because there are a lot of things you can’t do by yourself, like have an orgy.

-A creative block is like constipation of the mind. Unfortunately, they don’t make laxatives for it.

-If your butt isn’t numb, then you’re not meditating correctly.

-Video of the 2009 Pole Dancing Championship, you’re welcome. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBWNaJdzovI ]

-I’m signing up for yoga classes, but it has nothing to do with fitness. I’m just into foxy moms that can put their legs behind their head and enjoy passing the time by bouncing up and down on giant rubber balls.

-This is one of those days when I feel like I’m a candle burning at three different ends.

Undergarments On Your Cranium

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-If you can’t say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.

-Right before I die, I want to go to my local library and rent every single encyclopedia, dictionary, or reference book for words starting with the letter S. Then when I pass away, I want to be buried with all of them.

-A Port-O-Potty Port-O-Pole-Dancer would be a great idea.

-There’s no better way to start the day than with a big cup of hot, all natural Brazilian blended smooth roast coffee being dumped all over your lap.

-I’d blow myself up for 72 virgins. I’ve done dumber things for girls in the past.

-I don’t like to brag about my popularity, but I’m universally renowned as That Guy Over There in most social circles.

- It’s just simple logic; the larger your shoes, the more likely you are to step in dog shit.

-Due to the speed limits being eliminated, gondola accident fatalities in Venice are up 200% this year.

-D’s are like B’s without a belt on.

-I’d be willing to bet that most astronomers fell into the profession after their neighbors learned to keep their blinds closed.

-They’ve already installed the stairway, but I’m starting a petition to install a handicap ramp to heaven.

-A friend and I were nearly in a car accident this week. Not the head-on-collision type, more like the too-many-bottles-of-water-and-no-gas-station-to-stop-at type.

-When I’m running late in the mornings, I iron my clothes in the car on the way to work. It’s tricky, I got burnt a few times, but after some practice, it’s not too bad.

-My train of thought derailed when I was 10 and I’ve been cleaning up the spilt cargo ever since.

-”…And like a fart in the wind, he disappeared.”