-Rather than to just do one thing great, I strive to do everything in mediocrity.

-Jeans without back pockets are ugly.

-There’s only one line worse than the post office and that’s the DMV. I’m pretty sure that if I had to wait in both lines in the same day, I’d probably pull all of the hair out of my head and with a little crazy glue I’d fashion it into a beard on one of the teller’s faces.

-A Mexican crossed with an Irishman would create the most comfortable traditional dress. Don’t even try to tell me that a poncho and a kilt would not be the ultimate in comfy guy attire.

-Losing your virginity is a lot like losing your underwear; even if you could get them back, would you really want it?

-A masked man walked into a Miami Burger King yesterday and pulled out a gun and demanded the clerk give him all of the money in the cash register. Little did the crook know, another patron inside the Burger King had a concealed weapon license and shot the robber dead while he was grabbing the cash.

-When a man shaves hair from his body it’s called manscaping; when a girl removes hair from her body it’s called mandatory.

-My 5th grade teacher didn’t like it too well when my science project thesis was “To use the scientific method to determine how big the stick in my teachers ass really is.”

-Cats are flammable. Keep their tales away from scented candles unless you want your house to smell like burning tires in a vat of spoiled eggs.

-Attack Of The 50ft Woman was a great 50′s sci-fi movie, but I don’t think I’d be that scared. I think you’d be lucky to get picked up in her giant moisturized hands and get a closer glimpse at those 50ft tall woman chest muscles… But maybe that’s just me.

-The loudness of a girl’s high heels as she walks is equally proportional to how much of a bitch she is when she reaches her destination. In conclusion, the sweetest girl in the world is the one who wears socks and house slippers everywhere she goes.

-”A man is wealthy in proportion to the things he can do without.” – Epicurus

-You should go buy some Midol, cause you’re cramping my style.