Posts Tagged ‘porn’
Thursday, May 13th, 2010
-I’m searching for jobs online but all I see are openings for Wildlife Scrubbers thanks to BP for the lovely new coat of oil across the Gulf Of Mexico.
-I’ve had the same haircut for as long as I can remember. Lately, every time I see my stylist I get closer and closer to asking for a new doo but I never can quite do it. I’m starting to think it’s going to take a serious head injury or an entire pack of chewed gum to get me to trim my hair differently.
-The most effective way to win an argument is to be the loudest.
-The worst name for a baby girl ever: Andrew.
-If I can’t enjoy a margarita there or if I’m not allowed to wear flip-flops to it then it’s a place I don’t want to be nor will I likely ever go there.
-I see a different woman every night. The trick is to not shake the bushes too much and give away your hiding spot.
-The greatest mistake I ever made was to reflect back on all of the mistakes I’ve ever made to rate them in a hierarchy to discover which singular one I regret most. I regret all of them – that’s what makes them mistakes after all.
-Pop-Up Porn Magazine: This is probably the greatest idea ever thought up and no one is capitalizing on it yet. Sometimes, the world lets me down.
-Before my train of thought can reach its final destination it has to pass through the rolling hills of Bullshit County, then go across the narrow rackety bridges of Tangent Town, and somehow manage to stay on the rails entirely during its trek through the red light district of Man’s Brain Gorge. Be thankful that I can actually even say “Hey, how’s it going?” without devolving into a 30 minute speech about why cleavage should be an appropriate topic for a college term paper.
-I don’t want to set the world on fire; I just want to start a flame in your heart.
Tags: argument, flip flops, girls, greatest mistake, haircut, jobs, loud, lyrics, margarita, name, oil spill, porn, thought
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Saturday, February 6th, 2010
-I shit you not, I was at the gym earlier this week and a lady next to me was eating a bag of candy while she was walking on a treadmill.
-If space travel does become privatized after the passing of the budget for 2010, I wonder how long it will be before we see the first porno filmed in zero gravity. My prediction is 26 minutes and 28 seconds.
-Nothing rots your brain faster than watching an elderly couple try to operate a digital photo kiosk.
-If Peewee Herman had super powers what would they be? I think it would be the ability to rid the world of innocent children in less than 30 minutes of air time with just a rubber chicken and a handful of petroleum jelly.
-I live my life under the belief that shit will hopefully, eventually, work itself the fuck out.
-If your car is more than 3 years old and you use the “new car smell” air freshener at the carwash, you’re an idiot. If your car is less than 1 year old and you use the “new car smell” at the carwash, you’re also an idiot.
-Divorce court: where two souls joined together in harmony once again become two separate souls living miserably with more baggage than allowed as carry-on by most international air travel agencies.
-I want to be cremated and have my ashes dumped on unsuspecting people on a New York subway train. Wait, nevermind, I want my ashes put inside a piñata and broken open at a birthday party.
-If I could go back in time, I’d teach dinosaurs how to build robots. I don’t see any consequential problems arising from their introduction to future technology. None, whatsoever.
-Chewing gum doesn’t take 7 years to digest. That’s just silly folklore. It only takes about a week. Trust me, you don’t even want to know how I tested that.
-If you’re ever considering becoming a serial killer, I strongly suggest watching every Law and Order and CSI episode you can possibly catch. There are a whole bunch of great dos and don’ts to be learned.
-Whiskey whispers is what you call it when you speak softly to someone but you are too drunk to make any sense.
-There are two “Amateur Nights” I never attend: at the strip club and at the shooting range.
Tags: amateur night, chewing gum, cremated, csi, divorce, elderly, gym, law and order, life, marriage, new car smell, peewee herman, porn, serial killer, space travel, super powers, time travel, whiskey, whisper
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Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.
-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.
-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.
-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!
-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador
-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?
-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!
-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.
-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.
-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.
-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.
-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.
-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.
-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.
-Ignorance is not bliss.
Tags: alcohol, care bears, christmas, cleavage, dancing, dinosaur, elderly, holiday, ignorance, matador, microwave, porn, quote, shopping, smurfs, turkey, twilight, wet t-shirt
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Wednesday, July 1st, 2009
-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?
-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.
-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.
-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.
-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.
-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.
-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.
-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.
-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!
-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.
-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.
-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.
-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.
-Forever can be something to bleed for.
Tags: 70s, animals, antarctica, ants, comedy, csi, dating, drugs, dyslexic, employers, ending, fast lane, fold, google, hamburger, harmed, history, hotdog, illegal, long distance, movies, nipples, observant, pants, phone, porn, pro tip, relationship, romantic, russians, sex, sixth sense, slow lane, snoring, std, suppositories, sweaters, torture, world war, writing
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Monday, June 8th, 2009
-People will never live on the moon because then they couldn’t have a pool in their backyard.
-Even if I fell into a vat of radioactive ooze, with my luck, I’d probably come out with lame superhuman powers like the ability to talk to fruits and vegetables or the uncanny ability to seduce hats.
-I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older the number of embarrassing caught-with-my-fly-down incidents have steadily decreased.
-Layaway – new slang for someone you keep in touch with for sexual favors but otherwise have a very limited relationship with.
-Whistling at ladies who pass by is so last century, it’s time to advance as a culture and just moan suggestively at them instead.
-I entered a pretty interesting debate over whether man invented the wheel first or discovered fire first. I was eager to throw in my two cents and let them both know that man’s first great invention was the nudie magazine.
-I have a great tolerance for dealing with angry people. It’s a lost art that comes to fruition when working with the general public.
-Nothing says you care like a $4 greeting card generated by a computer and underpaid graphic designers who possibly can’t even read the language that the card is printed in. It’s straight from the heart, let me tell you.
-It would have been really easy to be a medicine man back in the times of tribes. “Eat this pinecone and call me in the morning.” Basically your whole profession is just getting people to eat random things and then see what happens to them afterward.
-You can have a kid and you can adopt a kid, but why can’t you rent a kid?
-Some people just need to be violently beaten by the grammar police.
-I dated a blonde once, but she went out of style faster than a pair of “skorts”; you know, those skirt-fronted shorts that girls fashioned in the late 90s.
-The expression “15 minutes of fame” is actually a gross exaggeration and your moment of fame really only lasts for a good 5-10 seconds.
Tags: 15 minutes of fame, adopt, angry, blonde, card, care, children, debate, doctor, fire, fly down, grammar, grammar police, kid, layaway, magazine, medicine, medicine man, moan, moon, ooze, pool, porn, powers, public, radioactive, relationships, sex, superhuman, superpowers, tolerance, wheel, xyz
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Friday, May 15th, 2009
-Have you ever had one of those moments where you are just tired of drinking, but, for some reason, you keep drinking anyway?
-I don’t know about you, but I think we should just get rid of Wednesday and Thursday.
-When you really break it down, there are only two people in the United States who decide what you see or don’t see on the news. Yes, two people.
-Wow, somewhere in the neighborhood of $250,000 space porn. A piece of astronaut gear is going up for auction; it’s a page from the manuals of the Apollo 16 crew featuring a doodle of an astronaut and a naked cartoon space bimbo. [link to auction, NSFW cartoon boobies: http://www.daylife.com/photo/05QR51Y2Ga7NL ]
-All movies should end with every single main character dying, simply to prevent Hollywood from making some shitty sequel. Sure after a while it’d be predictable, but it’d be interesting to see how directors could kill off an entire cast within realistic boundaries of the story.
-Next time you’re filling up, be sure to spray the person on the other side of the pump with gasoline. It’s a cool, refreshing way to add some enjoyment to their day in these warm summer months.
-This beats the hell out of those annoying “Can you hear me now?” commercials. This is one of the first commercials for a cell phone from 1989. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that music in at least 5 different adult films though. [video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptbJZ9HBw2k ]
-Every time I assemble a puzzle that’s missing pieces it reminds me of the age old classic tale of the beloved Humpty Dumpty.
-Hopefully, by the time that the sun finally explodes there is such a thing as sunblock with SPF 3,000,000,000.
-It’s just an assumption, but I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with “jumping jacks” was probably named Jack… or Jumping.
-Here’s some good advice to help you live just a little bit longer: trust no one, take no chances, think of every consequence, look twice, keep to yourself, and be a pessimist. You’ll live longer, but you won’t live any happier.
-If I could possibly own everything in the world, I’d give it all away anyway. And you, my friend, would get all of the rubber bands.
-Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to send a thank you and happy birthday message to one of my most dedicated readers! Happy birthday Jennifer!
Tags: advice, astronaut, auction, camp, cartoon, cartoon porn, cell phone, commercials, corporations, drinking, drunk, exploding, gasoline, happy birthday, jennifer, jumping jacks, live longer, movie endings, movies, news, party, partying, porn, puzzles, rubber bands, sun, television, weekdays, weird, working out
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Monday, May 11th, 2009
-There’s only about 29,000 mornings in the average person’s lifetime. I’ve decided to watch as many sunrises as I can until my time is up.
-ShamWow? More like ScamWow!
-”A series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and mockery of the unfortunate.” Sounds like a summary of a pretty decent summer comedy right? Well it’s actually a quote from The New York Times in regards to The Underground Comedy. The movie was written and directed by non other than the ShamWow guy, Vince Shlomi [who often goes by Vince Offer]. The New York Post summed the movie up as “Maybe the least amusing comedy ever made.”
-Thanks to the magic of YouTube, you can now enjoy Japanese workout videos complete with translation mistakes! [video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIaTOVLNgzU ]
-It’s a whole different meaning when porn directors get their creative juices flowing.
-My favorite kinds of scientists are the mad crazy ones.
-I saw a few husbands buying condoms on Mother’s Day. I’d say that’s just wishful thinking. Buying condoms is something you should be worrying about for Father’s Day instead.
-Their called blue balls not because of the pressure they’re under, but because they’re sad they never got to perform their one purposeful duty.
-You know you woke up way too early when the infomercials are still on repeat and the cartoons haven’t even started yet.
-”It was just a rhetorical question.”
“Good, I was about to stick that question right up your rhetorical!”
-Retirement must be very peaceful for boxers. They can finally rest assured that they’ll never have to beat another guy’s face in.
-What do you do when you’re the most powerful person in the world? Whatever the fuck you want, that’s the point.
-I don’t understand why anyone would want to go back to their high school years. Puberty was a cruel, violent, and torturous thing. Why the hell would anyone want to repeat that?
-That’s it until tomorrow. If you need me I’ll be at the corner of 8th and Jamison working hard for very little.
Tags: blue balls, boxers, boxing, condoms, crazy, creative juices, early morning, fathers day, high school, infomercials, japanese, mornings, mothers day, new york post, new york times, porn, power, powerful, puberty, quote, retirement, rhetorical question, scientists, sex, shamwow, sunrise, translation, vince offer, vince shlomi, woke up, workout video, youtube
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Friday, May 1st, 2009
-I don’t French kiss, I American kiss. If you don’t know what that is, well then my friend, you’re missing out!
-Seeing is believing! Well, unless you’re blind, then it’s just believing.
-Torturing someone really takes a lot out of you. That’d be a good advertisement for an energy drink. “Running out of toenails to remove? Broken all of the less important bones already? Still not getting the confession you wanted? Save the jumper-cables-to-the-gonads trick for when you really need it, grab a PRODUCT NAME HERE!”
-Now that I think about it… I haven’t been tied up and whipped in a really long time.
-It hurts when you get your finger nicked in your zipper, but it’s just plain embarrassing when you get it nicked in someone else’s.
-You know the best part about the new Transformers 2 trailer? It’s not the new Transformers, it’s not the crazy action and multitude of explosions, and it’s not even the part with the giant sand eating monster. It’s the part where Megan Fox is pretending to work on a motorcycle. I’ve never wanted to be a leather seat so bad in my entire life. [Video link: http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809943432/video/13222062 ]
-Rape victims should have the ability to decide the punishment for the accused. I think that would really put a dent in the amount of sexual assault crimes.
-”If you don’t go to other men’s funerals, they won’t go to yours.” – Clarence Day
-I want to live to be over a hundred just so I can party like it’s 99′ twice.
-If you have any qualms about buying a Wal-Mart brand product, why in the hell would you go to their pharmacy for medical advice?
-Swine Flu is pretty much a game of cooties played by adults. This time instead of pinches and flirty gestures, it’s a bunch of hand sanitizer, flu masks, and an occasional death.
-A pornographic film is being made somewhere in the United States roughly every 39 minutes.
-There is only one think deadlier than Chuck Norris? Zombie Chuck Norris.
-Would you rather be hit by a slow moving bus and killed or hit by a small car repeatedly until you were killed?
-If you have to ask the audience for a round of applause, then it wasn’t deserving of applause in the first place.
-Happy birthday, dad.
Tags: adult film, audience, blind, cooties, energy drinks, french kiss, party like its 1999, porn, quote, rape, swine flu, torture, transformers 2, wal-mart, would you rather, zipper
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