-Prostitutes don’t give a fuck – they sell fucks.
-Foosball is a tasteful blend of soccer and shish kabobs.
-There are probably nude pictures of Rosie O’Donnell on the internet somewhere, but no one dares search for them.
-There is no greater reason than the generic mother’s response of “Because I said so.”
-When I’m bored on a rainy afternoon I head to the local museum and I name the untitled pieces.
-Over the past few years, religious allocation has been on a steady decline. You know that times are tough when even invisible people in the sky granting wishes aren’t doing well on public opinion polls.
-To my knowledge, the quickest way to lose 5-10 pounds is still to get an amputation.
-I’d never wish harm upon anyone, but there are a few I’d like to see struggle through some difficulty.
-There are times in life when you have to become your inner monster in order to cope with reality. Unfortunately for me, my inner monster is Barbara Streisand. So a few times a year I sing show tunes and reenact scenes from Hello Dolly.
-Pro Tip: If you fall asleep while masturbating, it should be pretty obvious that you’re terrible in bed.
-If you’re looking for a stable economic position in your love life let me give you this advice; you can date the supermodel but it’d be wise to marry an accountant.
-Count the number of letters in all of your friend’s names and then be sure to stay the hell away from the ones with thirteen letters. Why? Well, the serial killers Jack The Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy, Albert de Salvo, Harvey Glatman, Herman Mudgett, Herbert Mullin, Daniel Rolling, Lucian Staniak, Peter Sutcliffe, and Wayne Williams all have 13 letters in their names.
-If you want to be heard, sometimes you just literally have to scream about something.
-I do not possess great responsibility. If I had a great power like x-ray vision I most certainly would use it for inappropriate purposes for at least the first week or so.
-If you find yourself naked in a strange room with your hands tied and your mouth covered by tape either you better know the safety word or else you better hope your family pays the ransom.