-I’m filled with so much passion and desire that sometimes it feels like I’m actually on fire.
-The world needs more sprinkle toppings.
-Running into a bathroom and yelling “I’m going to blow this place up” is not the same as running into a post office and yelling the same thing.
-If you’re going to verbally dig yourself a hole, you might as well dig yourself an eloquent one.
-Your importance is justified by how many birthday cakes you have for one single birthday. This year I got two. I’m pretty sure that makes me second in importance only to the President.
-When you work a dead-end retail job, a girl coming into the store wearing a damp bikini is your holy grail.
-They should just give the weather forecasts as a percentage chance to hear someone else bitch about the weather. “There’s a 35% chance you’ll run into someone that’ll claim that its ‘hot as hell outside.’ With a slight chance of ‘we really need the rain.’”
-Kung Fudge – the art of eating sweet delights without anyone else finding out and/or possibly asking you for a piece.
-Wearing headphones in public is useful for two things: it lets the wearer drown out all of the stupid people around them and, for the non-headphone wearers, it identifies who all of the self-important pricks are.
-Holding a pie-eating contest is not a sound way to pick your future wife.
-All television shows should have a mandatory big dance number in every episode.
-Disney World, happiest place on earth? Not this week. A monorail crash early Sunday morning killed one of the train operators. Sixteen people have died in the park since 1989.
-I’m a new weight watchers diet. I get a part time job at a fast food joint and I watch all the customers get fatter.
-You know you’re popular in prison when you get an invitation to the Cell Block B annual slumber party.
-Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick after all.