Tag Archives: pro tip

Hollowed By Uncertainty

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-I’m pretty sure I could live happily without cotton balls.

-The best part about waking up at 6am is that you don’t have to wake up at 5am.

-”I didn’t hit him. I just gave his face a high-five!”

-Organ donor – A person who is known for having many sexual partners.

-The best times to be non-religious: spring break, summer break, science classes, Halloween, and rock concerts. The worst times to be non-religious: Bar Mitzvahs, Christmas, weddings, funerals, and when playing the lottery.

-Pro Tip: If the humidity is over 100% and you’re surrounded by a dozen naked men, you are either in the Amazon rainforest or a club gym’s sauna room.

-Online dating is great: straight from MySpace to her place.

-Nothing clears your mind like a .45 caliber round through your cranium.

-Every year, nearly a thousand people are burnt by trying to iron their clothes while wearing them. Of those thousand people, one thousand of them are fucking stupid.

-Alcohol makes girls do funny things, like kiss each other… I love alcohol.

-The government doesn’t need to wiretap my phones or monitor by internet activities. They just need to follow me on Twitter. [http://twitter.com/AmznglyMundane]

-I can’t wait until I have kids so I can pass all of my problems, flaws, and shortcomings onto them.

-In some small Midwest towns, the state militias are actually based in the rear parking lot of their local Wal-Mart store.

-Speaking of militias, with the threat of water and oil shortages there has been some far off speculation that war on America’s soil may happen. I just hope no one is dumb enough to try to mobilize through Texas. We have more guns than citizens in some counties.

-Mammo-glamour – A female who has a great bust but otherwise less-than-impressive features.

-Did you know that with a hefty amount of starch you can turn a mop into a broom? Well, now you know. You’re welcome!

-Patience will get you through the day. Patience will keep you waiting.

Pondering, Wondering, And Getting Lost

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-If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all of that Acme crap then why doesn’t he just buy his own grilled roadrunner dinner?

-With just a few carefully arranged garbage bags and little rain on a summer day, you can make yourself a pretty bitching slip-and-slide.

-”Snot” is a pretty disgusting word, but not nearly as gross as “pus”.

-If you’re not a strong writer, then make sure you spend a lot of time working on your cover page. If you can’t even design a nice cover page then you should spend money on someone else to make a nice cover for you.

-I am a man of my word and that word is full-frontal-nudity.

-A few months ago a lake in Chile disappeared. Geologists later determined that a large crack formed under the lake and the water drained into the empty caves below. Unfortunately, several lake houses just dropped in value by about 200%.

-Make no mistake about it, in relationships, the one with the vagina makes the rules.

-Great news everybody! Writers have begun drafting the script for a big-screen Baywatch movie! No cast roles have been filled yet.

-There is an alcoholic drink called a “hand job”. It is comprised of Jack Daniel’s and Squirt Soda.

-Pro Tip: If your socks are on fire, your pant legs are probably next.

-She was putty in my hands; first, I shaped her into a ball and then I rolled her into a worm, then I flattened her out into a big circle and then I used a cookie cutter to shape her into a little puppy and then I folded her into a little square and dropped her into the spaghetti maker. If that’s not a passionate and romantic evening I don’t know what is.

-Throughout mankind’s history, from cave paintings through the Renaissance, nude photos and paintings were considered art, then, in the 50′s, suddenly they became “pornography”.

-There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth at any given moment, seriously.

-Hippy zombies petition for free love and delicious open minds.

-The worst part about time traveling is that no matter when you go back to, the ending is always spoiled.

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.

Protest The Way We Are Passive Today

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-I have to renew my license at the DMV today. Honestly, I’d rather knit turtleneck sweaters for a heard of giraffe.

-There needs to be a game show that drops contestants through trap doors in the floor when they get a question wrong. This show should also never reveal where the trap doors lead to. Everyone likes a good mystery.

-I’ve decided to take up smoking just so I have a reason to complain about the government some more.

-I know this has to have happened to someone else out there, but have you ever been scoping someone out from a distance and you think to yourself “Wow, they’re pretty hot.”, then as they get closer you realize it’s someone you know and you feel pretty embarrassed?

-Nothing says “I care about my body” like ordering extra chili fries with a large Diet Coke.

-If you’re ever about to pushed off a ledge to your death, try this one on your assailant: “I’m rubber, you’re glue, push me off this cliff and I’m just going to bounce back up here and hit you.”

-Pro Tip: If you got two humps and it cost you $100, you’re not a camel, you’re a John.

-Stealing underwear is the only true crime of passion.

-A lady eating an ice cream cone on a hot day is as equally magical as seeing a unicorn prance under a rainbow in a field of exotic flowers… on a Thursday.

-I hunt for jobs with a butterfly net and a bazooka.

-In my older age now, I’ve come to realize that I’m about as lucky as a man breaking mirrors under a ladder with a black cat on my head on Friday the thirteenth.

-I’ve never fought a bear before, but one time I did fight a man dressed in a bear suit.

-Here’s some new slang for you hipsters. Grinder – [in reference to a meat grinder] an individual aggressively seeking companionship to the extent that they treat the opposite sex like a simple piece of meat.

-Without gravity there would be no such thing as jugglers and the world be a little bit sadder of a place.

-I fucking hate Mondays.

Until The Bitter End

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-Prostitutes don’t give a fuck – they sell fucks.

-Foosball is a tasteful blend of soccer and shish kabobs.

-There are probably nude pictures of Rosie O’Donnell on the internet somewhere, but no one dares search for them.

-There is no greater reason than the generic mother’s response of “Because I said so.”

-When I’m bored on a rainy afternoon I head to the local museum and I name the untitled pieces.

-Over the past few years, religious allocation has been on a steady decline. You know that times are tough when even invisible people in the sky granting wishes aren’t doing well on public opinion polls.

-To my knowledge, the quickest way to lose 5-10 pounds is still to get an amputation.

-I’d never wish harm upon anyone, but there are a few I’d like to see struggle through some difficulty.

-There are times in life when you have to become your inner monster in order to cope with reality. Unfortunately for me, my inner monster is Barbara Streisand. So a few times a year I sing show tunes and reenact scenes from Hello Dolly.

-Pro Tip: If you fall asleep while masturbating, it should be pretty obvious that you’re terrible in bed.

-If you’re looking for a stable economic position in your love life let me give you this advice; you can date the supermodel but it’d be wise to marry an accountant.

-Count the number of letters in all of your friend’s names and then be sure to stay the hell away from the ones with thirteen letters. Why? Well, the serial killers Jack The Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy, Albert de Salvo, Harvey Glatman, Herman Mudgett, Herbert Mullin, Daniel Rolling, Lucian Staniak, Peter Sutcliffe, and Wayne Williams all have 13 letters in their names.

-If you want to be heard, sometimes you just literally have to scream about something.

-I do not possess great responsibility. If I had a great power like x-ray vision I most certainly would use it for inappropriate purposes for at least the first week or so.

-If you find yourself naked in a strange room with your hands tied and your mouth covered by tape either you better know the safety word or else you better hope your family pays the ransom.

Obviously We Were Different Then

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-If I was like a cat and knew I had nine lives, I’d probably spend eight of them as a total floozy.

-With divorce as common as it is, I’m surprised there isn’t a Stepfather’s Day.

-No matter how you slice it, that one prick will always grab the piece of pizza that you were eyeing as soon as the lid was opened.

-The people who thought that steam engines would kill off the use of sailboats are probably the same ones who thought K-Mart was just as good as Wal-Mart.

-Do you think more people make plans to vacation in the Middle East or plan to vacation in Wyoming?

-”A woman is closest to being naked when she is well dressed. ” – Coco Chanel

-If it wasn’t for Mickey Mouse I don’t think people would have horrid fears about giant mice living in their houses.

-I can’t wait until I have my own house. I’ll put up my Christmas lights once and then just leave them up until they all burn out, and then I’ll just put another strand over the old ones.

-Prisoner 1: “I’m in here for double homicide. A man cut me off on the highway so I followed him home and killed him and his dog. What are you in for?”
Prisoner 2: “I got caught sharing torrent copies of Free Willy 2 on the Pirate Bay.”

-If there is a way to weasel out of something, then you better believe that weaseling out is going to be Plan A and anything else will only be a backup strategy.

-I was watching CNN last night and after a recent “national” survey they discovered that 29% of college kids binge-drink. Apparently, they really just polled one Mormon school in Iowa, because 29% sounds pretty damn low if you ask me.

-Thanks to games like Rock Band and Guitar Hero, arguments like “My fake band is better than yours!” can happen.

-If you had to be one, would you rather be a loser, a sellout, or a poseur? I think I’d be a sellout. At least a sell out is usually somewhat successful.

-No one wants to be second – that goes for everything from marathons to gangbangs.

-Pro Tip: If the sock puppet isn’t talking, then it’s probably just filled with a regular foot and not with a hand making whimsical gestures.

Embracing The Stupid Of Tomorrow

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-I don’t like to brag, but I beat a deaf, blind kid at pinball once.

-I’m not for certain, but I’m pretty sure that a Native American breaking into your room and setting your novelty dreamcatcher on fire and then peeing on it to put out the fire is not a good sign.

-If you didn’t know the definition, you might think that someone calling you a “sexist” was actually a pretty awesome compliment.

-It’s the differences between us that keep us sane.

-I really hope I die on one of my days off. I’d really hate to spend a whole day at work only to bite the dirt on my way home. What a waste of a day that would be.

-On an application for a job or school or anything really, it’s never a good idea to put “freelance gynecologist” in the Hobbies/Other Interests section.

-I met a guy named Ted D. Bear today. I told him it was unfortunate that his parents hate him that much, but at least they didn’t name him Snuggles or Yogi.

-Everything should be judged and rated by a 5-star peer review system. Online dating networks could rate each candidate by their past performances, underwear at Victoria’s Secret sorted by a 5-star rating of sexiest to least sexy, or dogs at the kennel rated least likely to tear your entire house apart.

-Pro tip: If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s probably not your damn shoe.

-I discovered the best rap song lyrics ever: “Got a one track mind / Gotta, gotta, gotta get dat behind. / Booty booty, fresh and fruity / Gotta, gotta, hit dat booty.” So classy, so modern; I love it.

-Some call me a hopeless romantic, but I call myself stupid. I have a terrible habit of falling madly in love with girls who couldn’t care less about me.

-After being in Happy Gilmore, I wonder how many times Bob Barker wanted to actually tell a contestant “The price is wrong, bitch!”

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the expression “Got to piss like a race horse.”

-Cheech and Chong need their own Saturday morning cartoon special.

-I need more readers! Spread the word and let your friends know about AmazinglyMundane.com through Facebook by becoming a fan of the AmazinglyMundane.com Page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/AmazinglyMundanecom/87514425205  or by adding me as a friend on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/ldforrest

-Not to sound too needy, but I also need bodies! In my quest for finding more work as a graphic designer, I need more and more samples for my portfolio. I am currently seeking amateur models in the Houston area for portraits and staged photography! Contact me at ldforrest at hotmail dot com if you’re interested!

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

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-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.

I Cannot Find My Other Half

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-Welcome to the unofficial national wiener roasting day. Lest we forget that today is actually the day to honor the roughly 668,268 men and women who have died in combat defending this country.

-I’m so good at calling in to work that I convinced my employer that my grandmother passed away last week and I was able to skip more work when I told them this week that she was resuscitated and needed me to help her move into her new condominium.

-If Crayons tasted as delicious as they look, everyone would be an art major.

-I wish I was a celebrity; everyone would know my name, I could buy whatever I wanted, everyone would want to take a picture with me, and I could occasionally get away with murder.

-New slang: Organ donor – Refers to any male or female who has sex frequently, donating their reproductive organs to others.

-Back in my day, you actually had to turn the pencil inside the sharpener to sharpen it.

-It’s a personal rule of mine to never get intimately involved with a girl described as “loosey-goosey”. I recommend you adopt it as a rule yourself.

-I learned this weekend that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

-Happy endings only exist in massage parlors and fairy tales.

-In these tough economic times, it wouldn’t surprise me if the leader of a large occult was sued for using the Kool-Aid brand without the proper copyright permission.

-Anytime you’re watching a thriller movie, during the opening credits, the actor whose name comes right after the main character is usually the killer.

-Unfortunately, I only have enough extremities to count to 21.

-”Time heals all wounds” is a polite way of saying “This shit won’t matter in a month so I’d rather not waste my time giving you any suggestions on how to get over it because I know you’re just going to ignore my advice and do whatever the fuck you want anyway… You cunt.”

-Plan-A never works, Plan-B almost never works, and no one ever has a Plan-C until Plan-B fucks up terribly.

-Pro-Tip: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck. It’s probably a damn duck.

-Have you ever stopped all of a sudden and thought to yourself “Where the hell am I and why am I naked?” Happens to me at least once every day it seems.

-She’s the misfortune to all of my luck.

Zombies Are Just Hungering For Knowledge

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-Some people just deserve a good swift kick to the crotch.

-In an effort to get inspired and to come up with new material, I ventured out to the great outdoors. Well, as my car sat at the local park while I got in touch with nature and what not, a dozen or so birds decided to crap all over the damn thing and to finish things off, on my way home I hit a squirrel, a house cat, two ducks and a penguin. Fuck nature.

-You have to accept that there is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand.

-There comes a point in any geeky guy’s life when he has to ask himself a really important question, no matter how much he may dread the answer: “Is my online girlfriend really a guy?”

-I’m an honorable man, but I’ll never admit to stealing those cookies from the cookie jar.

-A man teaching gun safety accidently shot himself in the head while demonstrating why you should keep guns unloaded at all times. If that’s not irony then I don’t know what is. [Article source: http://www.azstarnet.com/metro/293333.php ]

-Men don’t share their clothes with other men, unless it involves a funeral service: only exception, period.

-The new poster for the Twilight sequel, New Moon, has hit the net and I’m pretty sure I need to go change my pants. Hopefully this one won’t suck, but judging by the poster this movie is still going to be a series of funny facial expressions. [Image link: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41127 ]

-No one cares for police officers that much when they’re getting a ticket, but as soon as someone breaks into their house and steals their collection of Star Wars figurines who’s the first person they call?

-My security blanket for when I retire is a million dollars sewn together into a giant quilt.

-Pro Tip: Eating one of those tree shaped air fresheners is not the same thing as rinsing with some mouthwash.

-I’m going to go get terminated tonight at midnight. Hopefully the new Terminator Salvation movie has a bunch of grown ass men naked in a fetal position. That’s my favorite part about the series. Well, that and when the T-1000 stabs John Connor’s dad in the face through the bottom of the milk carton. That part was pretty cool too. I fucking love milk.

-Don’t expect much from me and I’ll expect even less from you.