Tag Archives: pro tip

All Over It Like A Wet Sweater

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-My birthday wish this year will be for a fire breathing unicorn. Wish me luck!

-You know the expression “April showers bring May flowers”? Well here in Houston, Texas we’ve been behind most of April, so to meet our quota we are getting all of April’s showers in the form of 4 days of torrential downpour.

-It’s not polite to point, so I gawk instead.

-One of the reasons why you yawn is because you need to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. So when you yawn, the pressure change outside of your eardrums unbalances other people’s eardrum pressures so they must yawn also to even it out. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why yawns are contagious.

-Even if you aren’t a fan of Tool, I suggest you watch this video demonstrating the Fibonacci number sequence in Tool’s “Lateralus”. It’s very interesting and if not only pure coincidence: genius. [Video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS7CZIJVxFY&fmt=18 ]

-Despite how disgusting it sounds, cheese in an aerosol can was a really great idea.

-When one door is locked, hope that a window was left open. That’s the burglar’s version of the similar motto.

-Clarissa Explains It All was a good damn show. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

-On Tuesday the Senate unanimously passed a bill that would make it a third degree felony for anyone to have sex with an animal in Florida. That’s a step forward, rest assured everyone.

-When working on our homework together, my ex asked me what the capitol of Paris was. I told her she reminds me of a lava lamp; fun to look at, but not very bright. She never let me live it down.

-The first publicized robot attack and it’s a whopping two years after the fact. A worker was performing maintenance on a robot designed to lift heavy rocks when the robot suddenly came to life then picked up and nearly chocked the worker to death. The worker managed to escape its grasp but suffered four broken ribs among other serious injuries. [Source article: http://www.thelocal.se/19120.html ]

-Pro Tip: If there is a zipper going down your butt crack your pants are probably on backwards.

-Before any night of partying, I seclude myself in a quiet room and evaluate my goals for the evening: I will not spend more than the cash I have in my wallet, I will not make a fool of myself, I will not get thrown up on, I will not throw up on others. Then I put on my tuxedo shirt and flip flops and head out on the town.

The Dichotomy

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-Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

-If there was a position at Hooters to be their official motor-boater, I’d already work there and I’d pay them to let me do it.

-If you’re upset that your favorite band got popular and “sold out” then you shouldn’t have bought their CD, you shouldn’t have gone to their concert, you shouldn’t have told your friends about them, you shouldn’t have blared their music in your car with the windows down, you shouldn’t have added them as friends on MySpace, you shouldn’t have wore their t-shirts, you shouldn’t have hung their poster on your wall, or put that sticker on your bumper, or left a review of them on Amazon, but you did. Now you’ve got to make a choice: continue listening to a band that is trying to speak to millions or find a new band that’s only singing to a dozen attendees at a time. Support your local music.

-Pro tip: If your straw has more than two holes in it, it’s broken. If your straw has less than two holes, it’s not a straw.

-I didn’t celebrate 4/20 this year, but I did celebrate 4/11. I’m all about knowledge and information. That’s just how I roll motherfucker.

-By now a lot of people have heard of the sexual sense of the phrase “London Bridge” which is slang for when two guys stand at each end of a woman and engage in sexual acts while the woman is bent over. However, fewer people have heard about the similar act know on the streets as “Golden Gate Bridge” which involves more guys and more girls and introduces a little bit of urination. Disgusting, I know, but I’m here to keep you up-to-date on these things. It’s a dirty job.

-I bet that if we renamed “greenhouse gases” to “happy air” more people would care about the ozone (which would also need to be renamed to “the fun time zone”).

-Hang gliding is a great mix of words. “Hang”, usually associated with capital punishment and the abrupt death of a person, and “gliding”, a calm and smooth fall to the ground.

-You know some people I could live without? People who excessively click their pens while in otherwise quiet situations.

-I bet you $10 that Gumby’s poop was green.

-This nation would be a happier place if we had more monster truck rallies.

-Mother’s Day is one of my favorite holidays of the year. It’s my only solid excuse to play with macaroni and gold spray paint.

Overwhelming The Underwhelmed

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-On every first date I go on, I try to work a few very important questions casually into the conversation: 1) Have you ever cut a man’s dick off? 2) Was your uncle cremated and do you keep his remains in a milk jug in the refrigerator? And 3) Have you ever contemplated chopping a man’s wiener off? If she answers those three questions satisfactory then I’ll probably arrange to see her again.

-Sexy dorky people shall now be referred to as “storky”.

-Life certainly is a highway, but unfortunately I know a few people that just can’t seem to leave their driveway.

-Ordering sushi at a restaurant instead of cooked meat is like wanting a gallon of milk and having to buy a cow at a grocery store. Just hang on to that shit until it’s ready for me to consume.

-I came up with some new dance moves last night. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I’d relate it to how a person would look if an alien suddenly burst from their sternum and then did a little jazz hands at the end.

-You a name that would really suck to have? Dickface Cockbag III.

-Have you ever tried to teach a zombie some table manners? It’s really hard to get it through their head that they shouldn’t play with their food and that they ought to use some napkins and not be such messy eaters. Not to mention that the entire time you’re trying to teach them they’re trying to disembowel you and wear your face as a hat.

-There are several types of deaths in movies that you just can’t ever take seriously and they always have at least a little bit of comic value. One death that comes to mind in particular is anyone being killed by a harpoon gun that isn’t underwater or dressed in scuba gear.

-It doesn’t matter that you lost, what matters is what you learned from your failures. For example, now you know exactly how not to win a $5,000 grand prize. That might be useful.

-Pro Tip: You mop floors by holding onto the dry end.

-My love life can be summed up in one simple equation: Me = Life – Love

-My creativity knows no bounds. Nor does it recognize any laws, moral boundaries, personal standards, or social norms.