Tag Archives: public

Feast On Sympathy

Posted on by
Reply

-Do you think bugs get upset tummies?

-When I get really upset with someone I close my eyes and start taking long deep breaths until A) I blow them off into the sky, or B) until they think I’m going into labor and just go away.

-I don’t think I could ever bring myself to start dating a girl who is living with seven dwarfs.

-I enjoy crossing out days on my calendar so much that I usually cross out four or five days at a time. It sure would suck if I died before I actually made it through all of those days. I’d hate for my ghost to have to come back and perpetually live out those days I marked out but never actually made it through.

-Have you ever sat and thought to yourself “I’d probably have more fun watching an overly in depth documentary on the digestive system than doing what I’m doing right now.”?

-If the enjoyment you extract does not exceed the effort you input then it’s time to move on.

-Intergalactic Douchebag – A person who has surpassed the rank of jerk and asshole but has not yet reached the rank fucker or motherfucker and has previously travelled in space.

-The original ending to Beauty And The Beast was Belle being mauled to death, but Disney figured they should go with something more wholesome, like “Happily ever after…” or some crap.

-I’ve seen chickens do a lot in my day, but never once have I seen one do The Chicken Dance.

-It takes a special kind of person to defecate in public and it takes a special person to have sex in public, but it takes a remarkably special type of person to defecate on someone having sex in public. Thanks to the internet you can all be suckered into watching videos of these “special” people doing what they do best.

-We’re all simple creatures that just want a place for our belongings, hot meals, and the occasional heavy make-out session during a movie.

-There isn’t really much of a difference between a scheme and a plan. A scheme just sounds more cunning, while a plan sounds more official.

-Brunettes are double the trouble but blondes are only half the fun.

-The easiest way to survive a Monday: call in.

So Happy It Hurts

Posted on by
Reply

-People will never live on the moon because then they couldn’t have a pool in their backyard.

-Even if I fell into a vat of radioactive ooze, with my luck, I’d probably come out with lame superhuman powers like the ability to talk to fruits and vegetables or the uncanny ability to seduce hats.

-I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older the number of embarrassing caught-with-my-fly-down incidents have steadily decreased.

-Layaway – new slang for someone you keep in touch with for sexual favors but otherwise have a very limited relationship with.

-Whistling at ladies who pass by is so last century, it’s time to advance as a culture and just moan suggestively at them instead.

-I entered a pretty interesting debate over whether man invented the wheel first or discovered fire first. I was eager to throw in my two cents and let them both know that man’s first great invention was the nudie magazine.

-I have a great tolerance for dealing with angry people. It’s a lost art that comes to fruition when working with the general public.

-Nothing says you care like a $4 greeting card generated by a computer and underpaid graphic designers who possibly can’t even read the language that the card is printed in. It’s straight from the heart, let me tell you.

-It would have been really easy to be a medicine man back in the times of tribes. “Eat this pinecone and call me in the morning.” Basically your whole profession is just getting people to eat random things and then see what happens to them afterward.

-You can have a kid and you can adopt a kid, but why can’t you rent a kid?

-Some people just need to be violently beaten by the grammar police.

-I dated a blonde once, but she went out of style faster than a pair of “skorts”; you know, those skirt-fronted shorts that girls fashioned in the late 90s.

-The expression “15 minutes of fame” is actually a gross exaggeration and your moment of fame really only lasts for a good 5-10 seconds.

Delusions And Ponderings From The Timeout Corner

Posted on by
Reply

-The grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence. There aren’t any ant piles and it never has to be mowed either.

-Alien ray guns are much more humane than today’s modern guns. With a ray gun, you’re going to evaporate into a billion particles even if you get shot in the genitals. The same can’t be said for the latter.

-There probably isn’t anyone wishing another person a Happy Mother’s Day at an abortion clinic.

-I’m not out in the public very often. I’m more of the quiet romantic night at home kind of guys, but for the few hours I did spend out in the zoo that is society I noticed that today must be National Moo-Moo Day. I’ve never seen so many people sporting sleeved blankets in such a short amount of time. For a moment I thought I was trapped in the Snuggie’s commercial.

-I’m writing a survival guide for people who want to venture out into the wild. I don’t want to spoil too much, but Chapter 5 is about how to properly curl into a ball and cry hysterically until a rescue team arrives. Chapter 10 explains why hiding sausage in your overweight friend’s backpack is a good way to survive a bear attack, assuming of course, that you can run faster than you’re fat friend.

-If you had to be embarrassed by one or the other, would you rather be caught with your pants down or with a finger deep inside a nostril?

-They should have combined television shows and made Barney into a monster that the Power Rangers had to stop from destroying the world.

-Love is going to beat you up, drag you down, and give you everything you asked for.

-Without the discovery of caffeine and the widespread addiction to coffee, I don’t think that the industrial revolution would have ever happened.

-There’s nothing particularly great about men’s undergarments, but women’s panties, those things are magical. I’d argue they are more magical than a flying carpet. They have gotten me in more trouble and persuaded me to more bad things than any amount of peer pressure or large volume of alcohol ever has. Before I die, I’m going to create an ode to underwear. Whether it is in song form, a painting, or an epic odyssey, I will do it.

-I’ve been absorbing other people’s problems like a sponge since 1996. It’s time to find someone who can wring me out.

-Since it’s finals time, I’ll end this one with a study tip: Make a batch of margaritas to enjoy as you study. If you drink enough you’ll wake up with a headache, but that just means you studied hard. Knowledge hurts; anyone who tells you otherwise is stupid. Good luck!