-If Wile E. Coyote has enough money to by all of that Acme crap then why doesn’t he just buy his own grilled roadrunner dinner?
-With just a few carefully arranged garbage bags and little rain on a summer day, you can make yourself a pretty bitching slip-and-slide.
-”Snot” is a pretty disgusting word, but not nearly as gross as “pus”.
-If you’re not a strong writer, then make sure you spend a lot of time working on your cover page. If you can’t even design a nice cover page then you should spend money on someone else to make a nice cover for you.
-I am a man of my word and that word is full-frontal-nudity.
-A few months ago a lake in Chile disappeared. Geologists later determined that a large crack formed under the lake and the water drained into the empty caves below. Unfortunately, several lake houses just dropped in value by about 200%.
-Make no mistake about it, in relationships, the one with the vagina makes the rules.
-Great news everybody! Writers have begun drafting the script for a big-screen Baywatch movie! No cast roles have been filled yet.
-There is an alcoholic drink called a “hand job”. It is comprised of Jack Daniel’s and Squirt Soda.
-Pro Tip: If your socks are on fire, your pant legs are probably next.
-She was putty in my hands; first, I shaped her into a ball and then I rolled her into a worm, then I flattened her out into a big circle and then I used a cookie cutter to shape her into a little puppy and then I folded her into a little square and dropped her into the spaghetti maker. If that’s not a passionate and romantic evening I don’t know what is.
-Throughout mankind’s history, from cave paintings through the Renaissance, nude photos and paintings were considered art, then, in the 50′s, suddenly they became “pornography”.
-There are about 10,000,000,000,000,000,000 insects on earth at any given moment, seriously.
-Hippy zombies petition for free love and delicious open minds.
-The worst part about time traveling is that no matter when you go back to, the ending is always spoiled.