Tag Archives: quote

Remarkably Satisfying

Posted on by
Reply

-When Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat, people called her an artist. When I wore a dress made out of meat, my neighbors told the police I was a cross-dressing cannibal.

-”If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” -Aristotle Onassis

-There’s no better way to shave your chest, thighs, and eyebrows than a dry slip-n-slide.

-My self-esteem is so high that my tears have dreams of growing up into tidal waves.

-If you think you have things figured out, then it’s obvious you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

-How hot is it outside? It’s need-to-strip-down-naked-just-to-take-out-the-garbage kind of hot outside.

-When a girl cancels a date, she has to. When a guy cancels a date, he has two.

-You can’t even imagine my disappointment when I stumbled into, and discovered the real meaning of, my first booby trap.

-Here’s a great passive-aggressive way to break up a relationship you’re stuck in: stop bathing.

-I’m not a morning person. Honestly, I’m not even much of an early afternoon person either.

-A world without jesters would be far crueler than a world without kings.

-Apparently, Head Over Heels isn’t just a position in the Kama Sutra.

-Just to make golf more interesting, they should have a televised tournament where the players only play during lightning storms.

-I like my music like I like my women: loud and ugly.

-If another man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see shit.

-There are times that try men’s souls; like after over-eating at a Mexican restaurant.

-When opportunity knocks, you let that fucker in!

Drunk With Power And Whiskey Mostly Whiskey

Posted on by
Reply

-Everyday is a toga party if you just stay wrapped up in your bed sheets.

-There is a fine line between coloring inside the lines and coloring outside the lines.

-I reward attention whores with encouragement. Encouragement for them to take their attention-seeking to new heights; to get them to do things that they will spend weeks trying to forget. They like attention; I like being entertained by other people’s stupidity, win-win.

-If the waiter doesn’t provide me with a box of crayons to draw on the tablecloth then I am in a restaurant I don’t want to be in.

-Appendages matter. Pulling someone’s hair, someone’s finger and someone’s leg all have completely different implications and consequences.

-The fastest way to get caught in the act of armed robbery would be to hold up a doughnut shop.

-I will forever be perplexed by how often people say “I understand” when they clearly don’t understand a damn thing at all.

-If a book or documentary is going identify by name the first and last soldiers killed during a war, they should show respect and take the effort and the time to identify every soldier that died.

-If you live in a glass house, throwing stones should be only one of many of your concerns. Using the restroom, changing clothes, and pretty much anything involving nakedness should also be of high consideration on your list of things you probably shouldn’t be doing.

-Any chair can be a lawn chair; location, location, location.

-Interventions are the worst kinds of surprise parties.

-”My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you’ll be happy; if not, you’ll become a philosopher.” -Socrates

Concentration Problems Like Hey Look Cupcakes

Posted on by
Reply

-Johnson and Johnson really dropped the ball with their shampoo products. Tear free shampoo is nice, but how about going the distance for a shampoo that provides a boost in self esteem or one that tells you jokes every time you open the bottle (and I mean funny jokes, not jokes about how silly you look naked in the shower).

-Imagine how scary watching someone laugh is when you were born deaf. All of a sudden everyone opens their mouths and starts convulsing. That has to be terrible.

-The witch hunt of the 21st century will be sparked by a widespread belief that if you fail 3 Captcha attempts in a row, you are most certainly a robot and need to be wiped from the earth for your travesties.

-”His ignorance is encyclopedic.” -Abba Eban

-The only thing worse than herpes is space herpes.

-When did someone decide that enough interesting stuff has happened to mankind that it was time to create the first history museum?

-Those who delete their internet history are forever doomed to repeat it.

-When you’re a fat kid, the food pyramid creates a whole different mental image than for most other people.

-I’m perplexed by the Waldo character Martin Handford is trying to bring to life in his Where’s Waldo series. Is Waldo trying to get lost in the world, is he desperately trying to stand out from everyone else? What a conundrum.

-In this day and age and with the advances in technology that we’ve had, I think it’s time that the freezer receives a light when you open the door just like the refrigerator has. Society is ready for this, make it happen.

-I want die any other way than by “natural causes.” Fuck nature, I’m not giving in to that bitch.

-You’re like sprinkles on a shit sandwich.

Thanks For The Venom

Posted on by
Reply

-I’d like to see a lumberjack try to get aboard an airplane with a suitcase full of axes and a chainsaw as his carryon.

-Your success at living with scars isn’t determined by how well you conceal them, but by how proudly you display them, acknowledge them, and understand what you’ve learned from them.

-Someone needs to invent a machine that juggles jugglers.

-“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” –Jean Cocteau

-There’s slang a night owl and an early bird, but what about someone who is out in the afternoon? Perhaps “late rooster”? Or maybe “mid-day duckling”?

-I bet whichever Jack jumping-jacks were named after was a real obnoxious prick.

-If you’ve made the decision to drink all day then there’s no problem with starting early.

-I just came up with a great idea for a sequel: Old Yeller 2: Yeller’s Revenge… in 3D.

-Fun Fact: One sperm has 37.5MB worth of DNA information in it. A normal ejaculation represents a data transfer rate of 529GB per second.

-I’m Blame Game World Champion four years running now!

-If a baseball player hits a homerun, but dies before he can run around the bases, does the homerun still count?

-There are two situations I never want to be in: one is to be stuck on a two person bicycle with The Flash and the other is the situation we’re in right now.

-Guys with erectile dysfunction have mourning wood issues.

-I’ve been breaking hearts since before Pat Benatar made it cool.

Just Say When

Posted on by
1

-The future is as certain as the possibility that I’m not wearing pants.

-I try to always keep a folding chair in the room with me. You just never know when a pro wrestler might stop by.

-Take a real deep breath, look into the mirror and ask yourself “Why the fuck am I talking to myself?”

-I bought a telescope to study the stars but I quickly realized there are much more interesting things just through the window of my neighbor’s house.

-The worst advice is always punctual. The best advice is always 30 minutes late.

-It’s always flattering when someone admits to dreaming about you. It’s nice to know you’ve made enough of an impression that someone’s mind can’t resist but to think of you.

-If you can’t see the forest for the trees then maybe you live in a desert, or perhaps a low-lying grassland region.

-Too often, pretty underwear is covered by ugly jeans. Such a travesty.

-Anytime I receive a package that says “Open Other End” I take it as a personal challenge to successfully open the wrong end. Same thing goes for signs that say “Stay Off Of Grass”. For some reason my feet start to tingle and walking across a green lawn seems to be the only cure.

-After much research it has been determined that the strongest force in the universe is gossip.

-Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

-People who share their religious views with you almost never want to hear your religious views in return.

-Never trust a man wearing two watches.

-Stumbling all over myself and mumbling incoherently; either someone slipped something into my drink or I’m in love. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

-I’ll jump, jump, but I won’t put my hands up in the air, because I actually do kind of care.

-“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!’” -Hunter S. Thompson

-If you suddenly went deaf and blind at the same time, how could anyone convince you that you are still alive? A hand to their chest to feel their heartbeat?

It Only Took A Day

Posted on by
Reply

 -The expression “Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.” has no validity on a nudist beach.

-The more I look around at the world today, the more I’m convinced that the Tree of Wisdom was axed down to make room for a Starbucks.

-When you have one of those days where it feels like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders, just remember it’s only 130,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000lbs. That’s not too bad if you really think about it.

-I want to die behind the wheel of a car… No, I want to go quietly in my sleep… Nah, I want to go quietly in my sleep while behind the wheel of a car. Hopefully my passengers want to go out screaming and panicking while violently shaking a sleeping man.

-This has to be the best album title ever: C-Murder’s “The Truest Shit I Ever Said”.

-When I blow my nose I have to cup the tissue real close to my face otherwise my brain might shoot out.

-Statistically, the most common expression used in games of Hangman is “hangman” (how creative we are!). When playing, I usually start off with sexually transmitted diseases and then move on to names of terminal illnesses. I think we’d all rather be hung than have “genital warts” or “cancer of the ball sack”. Losing doesn’t seem so bad then.

-You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. Well, if the girl is 2,000lbs, then you can’t take her out of the trailer park either.

-Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. That’s why you should remind them at every single opportunity possible.

-Isn’t an occult pretty much the same thing as a cult? I’m having a hard time figuring out what to put on the cover of my membership brochures.

-Apparently this man-rule hasn’t been passed down through the generations as it should be, so I’m going to state it plain and simple for you to hear and understand: Never buy your girlfriend/wife a fake dick that is bigger than your dick.

-There are things in life I fear I’ll never learn to do. Like how to look seductive while reading a newspaper.

-I have so much stuff that I’m supposed to take to the grave with me that I just might have to be cremated to fit it all in my coffin.

-I remember the afternoons we used to spend together before you got too cool. I miss them.

So Awesome It Hurts When I Pee

Posted on by
Reply

-I can’t dance; I don’t even pretend to be okay at it. So, at parties I just tell people I have a basal ganglia problem and they leave me alone about it. Unfortunately, then they spread rumors thinking it’s an STD I have and not a brain disorder.

-I start every social gathering with a lovely chorus of “If You’re Happy And You Know It”. I just add the line “If you’re not happy, then get the fuck out.” It’s a quick way to weed out the depressed people that are sure to start drama once they consume alcohol.

-As you get older, the number of dots needed to make a connect-the-dots puzzle fun gradually increases as your worldly experiences grow and your imagination deteriorates. “It’s a giraffe. Next puzzle…” “It’s the Eifel Tower. Next…” “It’s me stabbing myself in the face with this pencil because this isn’t any fun.”

-I played so much of Assassin’s Creed II that I can speak pretty competent Italian now.

-Not sure if your new love interest is a slut/man-whore? Here’s an easy way to find out: ask them to draw a picture of the opposite sex’s private parts. If they can draw a better picture of your plumbing that you can, you’re probably dating a person who gets around faster than mono at a kissing booth.

-I find it suspicious that British people never sound British when they sing. I think their entire country is faking the accent just to be different.

-To save time with all of my bathroom visits, I finish every meal by eating two sheets of paper towels.

-It’s quite difficult to throw away a garbage can.

-If you run backwards down a flight of stairs fast enough you just might trip and hit your head really hard and forget who you are. That’s not quite like time travel, but it’s pretty close if you really think about it.

-You know it’s Christmas time if even when checking out online, there is a wait time and they’re out of shopping carts.

-I have a great idea! Caffeine is an appetite suppressor and while you sleep your body stores fat, right? I have new diet craze ready to sweet the nation! For fourteen days I’ll drink nothing but coffee and never go to sleep! This is will be great! Come on America lets lose those muffin tops, love handles, and those man-boobs that are starting to resemble actual boobs!

-Never play hide and seek with your Alzheimer grandma. If you can’t find her, she just might stay hidden inside the basement closet until she withers away to dust.

-”Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.”

As Serious As An Erection Problem

Posted on by
Reply

Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.

-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.

-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.

-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!

-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador

-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?

-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!

-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.

-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.

-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.

-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.

-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.

-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.

-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.

-Ignorance is not bliss.

Black And White And Read All Over

Posted on by
Reply

-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.

-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.

-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.

-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.

-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.

-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.

-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.

-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”

-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.

-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.

-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.

-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?

-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”