Posts Tagged ‘quote’
Thursday, July 22nd, 2010
-The future is as certain as the possibility that I’m not wearing pants.
-I try to always keep a folding chair in the room with me. You just never know when a pro wrestler might stop by.
-Take a real deep breath, look into the mirror and ask yourself “Why the fuck am I talking to myself?”
-I bought a telescope to study the stars but I quickly realized there are much more interesting things just through the window of my neighbor’s house.
-The worst advice is always punctual. The best advice is always 30 minutes late.
-It’s always flattering when someone admits to dreaming about you. It’s nice to know you’ve made enough of an impression that someone’s mind can’t resist but to think of you.
-If you can’t see the forest for the trees then maybe you live in a desert, or perhaps a low-lying grassland region.
-Too often, pretty underwear is covered by ugly jeans. Such a travesty.
-Anytime I receive a package that says “Open Other End” I take it as a personal challenge to successfully open the wrong end. Same thing goes for signs that say “Stay Off Of Grass”. For some reason my feet start to tingle and walking across a green lawn seems to be the only cure.
-After much research it has been determined that the strongest force in the universe is gossip.
-Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.
-People who share their religious views with you almost never want to hear your religious views in return.
-Never trust a man wearing two watches.
-Stumbling all over myself and mumbling incoherently; either someone slipped something into my drink or I’m in love. It’s hard to tell sometimes.
-I’ll jump, jump, but I won’t put my hands up in the air, because I actually do kind of care.
-“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!’” -Hunter S. Thompson
-If you suddenly went deaf and blind at the same time, how could anyone convince you that you are still alive? A hand to their chest to feel their heartbeat?
Tags: advice, blind, deaf, future, gossip, love, neighbor, not wearing pants, quote, religion, spying, telescope, underwear, wrestler
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Monday, March 8th, 2010
-The expression “Stick it where the sun doesn’t shine.” has no validity on a nudist beach.
-The more I look around at the world today, the more I’m convinced that the Tree of Wisdom was axed down to make room for a Starbucks.
-When you have one of those days where it feels like the weight of the entire world is on your shoulders, just remember it’s only 130,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000lbs. That’s not too bad if you really think about it.
-I want to die behind the wheel of a car… No, I want to go quietly in my sleep… Nah, I want to go quietly in my sleep while behind the wheel of a car. Hopefully my passengers want to go out screaming and panicking while violently shaking a sleeping man.
-This has to be the best album title ever: C-Murder’s “The Truest Shit I Ever Said”.
-When I blow my nose I have to cup the tissue real close to my face otherwise my brain might shoot out.
-Statistically, the most common expression used in games of Hangman is “hangman” (how creative we are!). When playing, I usually start off with sexually transmitted diseases and then move on to names of terminal illnesses. I think we’d all rather be hung than have “genital warts” or “cancer of the ball sack”. Losing doesn’t seem so bad then.
-You can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl. Well, if the girl is 2,000lbs, then you can’t take her out of the trailer park either.
-Nobody knows the troubles you’ve seen. That’s why you should remind them at every single opportunity possible.
-Isn’t an occult pretty much the same thing as a cult? I’m having a hard time figuring out what to put on the cover of my membership brochures.
-Apparently this man-rule hasn’t been passed down through the generations as it should be, so I’m going to state it plain and simple for you to hear and understand: Never buy your girlfriend/wife a fake dick that is bigger than your dick.
-There are things in life I fear I’ll never learn to do. Like how to look seductive while reading a newspaper.
-I have so much stuff that I’m supposed to take to the grave with me that I just might have to be cremated to fit it all in my coffin.
-I remember the afternoons we used to spend together before you got too cool. I miss them.
Tags: blow nose, cult, expression, game, hangman, man law, man rule, nudist beach, occult, quote, take to the grave, trailer park, tree of wisdom, weight of the world
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Saturday, December 19th, 2009
-I can’t dance; I don’t even pretend to be okay at it. So, at parties I just tell people I have a basal ganglia problem and they leave me alone about it. Unfortunately, then they spread rumors thinking it’s an STD I have and not a brain disorder.
-I start every social gathering with a lovely chorus of “If You’re Happy And You Know It”. I just add the line “If you’re not happy, then get the fuck out.” It’s a quick way to weed out the depressed people that are sure to start drama once they consume alcohol.
-As you get older, the number of dots needed to make a connect-the-dots puzzle fun gradually increases as your worldly experiences grow and your imagination deteriorates. “It’s a giraffe. Next puzzle…” “It’s the Eifel Tower. Next…” “It’s me stabbing myself in the face with this pencil because this isn’t any fun.”
-I played so much of Assassin’s Creed II that I can speak pretty competent Italian now.
-Not sure if your new love interest is a slut/man-whore? Here’s an easy way to find out: ask them to draw a picture of the opposite sex’s private parts. If they can draw a better picture of your plumbing that you can, you’re probably dating a person who gets around faster than mono at a kissing booth.
-I find it suspicious that British people never sound British when they sing. I think their entire country is faking the accent just to be different.
-To save time with all of my bathroom visits, I finish every meal by eating two sheets of paper towels.
-It’s quite difficult to throw away a garbage can.
-If you run backwards down a flight of stairs fast enough you just might trip and hit your head really hard and forget who you are. That’s not quite like time travel, but it’s pretty close if you really think about it.
-You know it’s Christmas time if even when checking out online, there is a wait time and they’re out of shopping carts.
-I have a great idea! Caffeine is an appetite suppressor and while you sleep your body stores fat, right? I have new diet craze ready to sweet the nation! For fourteen days I’ll drink nothing but coffee and never go to sleep! This is will be great! Come on America lets lose those muffin tops, love handles, and those man-boobs that are starting to resemble actual boobs!
-Never play hide and seek with your Alzheimer grandma. If you can’t find her, she just might stay hidden inside the basement closet until she withers away to dust.
-”Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.”
Tags: accent, bathroom, christmas, connect the dots, dance, dating, diets, drinking, gaming, garbage, hide and seek, quote, time travel
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Tuesday, December 1st, 2009
Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.
-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.
-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.
-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!
-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador
-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?
-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!
-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.
-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.
-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.
-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.
-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.
-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.
-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.
-Ignorance is not bliss.
Tags: alcohol, care bears, christmas, cleavage, dancing, dinosaur, elderly, holiday, ignorance, matador, microwave, porn, quote, shopping, smurfs, turkey, twilight, wet t-shirt
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Monday, July 27th, 2009
-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.
-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.
-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.
-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.
-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.
-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.
-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.
-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.
-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”
-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.
-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.
-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt
-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.
-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?
-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”
Tags: burnt, chicken, donuts, drunk, edible underwear, fire, geez louise, gum, imax, lotto, love, lucky number, marriage, mcdonalds, middle of the ocean, movies, nicotine, ninjas, pirates, product, quote, row, sex, sex life, teacher, viagra, zombies
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Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
-One time, I wished upon a star that the star would actually fall from the sky and hit my archenemy in the face.
-”Not to invent yourself is to be false. To follow preordained rules is a profound betrayal of what it means to be human.” – David Starkey
-Showers killed my fun of playing with toys in the bathtub. Now, getting old and being sponged by a hot nurse is the only thing about bathing I can look forward to.
-Did you know that if you sniff a lot of petrol and then get tasered by the police, you can actually burst into flames? Happened to this guy: [Article source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090721/twl-tasered-petrol-sniffer-bursts-into-f-3fd0ae9.html ]
-I finished writing my first script this week. It’ll be the first movie with both a musical dance number and a musical sex number.
-A troop of Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes full of drugs would be a really good cover-up for a home delivery service of illicit substances.
-Apparently humans have been killing each other in Iraq for the past 50,000-75,000 years. Newly examined evidence shows that a modern human stabbed a Neanderthal with a spear like object. Survival of the fittest through murder is still evolution. Although I’d like to think that we became the dominate Homo sapiens through means other than just killing, turning on the news today shows that things haven’t changed much. [Article source: http://www.livescience.com/history/090721-neanderthal-murder.html ]
-Candlelight dinners didn’t become romantic until after electricity was invented.
-If you like to hear nothing but bad news, perhaps a profession as a 9-1-1 operator is in your future.
-Everyone has a few stains on their character, but unfortunately I’ve dated a few people that could benefit from an Oxy Clean bath and maybe even drinking a few cups of bleach.
-What do you think happens when you overdose on vitamin C? Does your immune system become so strong that it rejects yourself and you slowly turn inside out or do you think you just turn into an orange?
-For just a few extra dollars, instead of hiring a maid to clean your house you can hire a maid to clean your house while wearing lingerie.
-Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.
Tags: 911, bath time, burst into flame, candlelight, character, cookies, drugs, friends, girl scouts, iraq, lingerie, maid, quote, romantic, script, showers, sponge bath, taser, vitamin c, wish upon a star
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Friday, July 10th, 2009
-I’m a sponge full of smelly stale water and useless information.
-Every time I’m dreaming, just when it gets to the good part; right when I’m about to save the damsel in distress; the moment I’m about to solve the hangman puzzle; just as I’m about to pour the honey all over my naked body; right when I’m signing the contract on purchasing my first unicorn; my alarm goes off and wakes me up. Life isn’t fair.
-”Did you not just hear what I told you?”
“Sorry, I have my bullshit speech filter turned on. Give me a second… Okay, go ahead, what were you saying?”
-The Caps Lock key should be in all capitals, just to get the message across. The Insert key should be re-labeled to “Fucking hell! Did I push that one useless fucking button again?”
-Have you ever disliked someone so much that when you meet someone with the same name you cringe a little?
-My boss was telling me a story about her college life but I had to interrupt her to ask if her major was deflating hopes and dreams or if she just got a degree in distribution of duties.
-”I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.” – James Buchanan
-Every year, 150 people are killed by exercise equipment. Self-improvement that!
-Another interesting fact I found was that 900 women die annually during cunnilingus.
-Shaking hands with cactus plants and occasionally hugging a porcupine aren’t the only ways to find pricks; most of them are on television now and hold a seat in the government.
-When I grow up, I want to do something prestigious, like be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being able to eat the most hot dogs in an hour or something.
-Welcome to 191st day of the year. It will likely be just like the previous 190.
-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. So they’re pretty much just like humans.
-Success has enemies.
Tags: alarm clock, boss, caps lock, college, deaths, dislike, dreams, enemies, exercise equipment, guinness book of records, hate, hopes, hot dogs, insects, insert key, keyboard, keys, killed, oral sex, praying matis, pricks, quote, religion, sponge, success, when i grow up, yearly
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Friday, July 3rd, 2009
-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.
-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.
-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.
-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”
-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.
-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.
-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.
-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.
-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.
-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.
-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.
-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.
-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.
-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?
-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.
-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.
Tags: accident, advice, blue sky, bobbitt, bushes, car, car accident, celebrity, dances, dogs, environmentalist, ex, fluffly, free bird, gift card, girlfriend, go green, green grass, hokey pokey, karaoke, knievel, lorena bobbitt, mcdonalds, mornings, movie, murders, new york, new york times, no place like home, playboy, playboy mansion, quote, rat, river dance, romantic, schindlers list, snowmobile, squirrel, survey, swimming, trim
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Monday, June 29th, 2009
-In a perfect world, no statement would start with those first four words.
-I don’t mind singing in the shower, but when I get out the crowd always demands an encore and then I’m forced to continue singing while I try to brush my teeth.
-The best part about getting older is that you get to start more stories with “Back in my day…” and “When I was your age…”.
-Unlucky is having sex once, wearing a condom, and still becoming a father of triplets.
-Ambition tells you to not go to bed until your job is finished. Laziness tells you to do your work in the morning after you get some sleep.
-Unbearably embarrassing moments: Be a lead man carrying a casket at a funeral, but due to an untied shoelace you trip. As the casket is falling to the ground, the deceased flies from it and lands in the grave face down.
-The only thing more relaxing than chair shopping is bed shopping.
-Everyone seems surprised that celebrities die, as if they were ever something more than just human. Although their deaths are tragic, the media translates it as if it is the end of times.
-There’s nothing wrong with adding some color to your wardrobe, but fuck, some people look like they threw a box of crayons and a rainbow into a blender and doused themselves with whatever came of it!
-I like to hang out with people larger than me, that way if we’re captured by a tribe of cannibals my chances of being eaten drastically decrease.
-There needs to be a circle state. I think right in the middle of Missouri would be a good spot. Spot, that’s what we’ll name the new state too! The capitol city will be named Dot.
-I think the next Saw movie should have a guy trapped with his junk inside a toaster and the only way he can escape the room is if he makes and eats an entire box of Eggo Waffles.
-The electric carts at department stores are for handicapped people, not for people over 400lbs who don’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the store for a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese puffs.
-An optimist will tell you that things can’t get any worse while a pessimist will tell you it can’t get any better.
Tags: aging, ambition, blender, brush, cannibals, celebrities, circle, color, death, embarrassing, encore, fat, funeral, laziness, lazy, media, movie, older, optimist, perfect world, pessimist, quote, rainbow, relaxing, saw, saying, sex, singing, singing in the shower, state, teeth, torture, trap, unlucky
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Wednesday, June 24th, 2009
-”I love you.” was the Freudian slip that did me in.
-I’ve never had anything literally “knock my socks off”.
-Pound, pound, and pound all mean different things. That’s why here in America we have to take ten years of English classes for even a high school degree.
-”A great man once advised that if you’re really good at something then you should never do it for free. That’s why it’s going to cost you another $2 for me to refill your drinks.” I enjoy a waitress with a good sense of humor.
-Laundry day often turns into wonder-around-the-house-naked day.
-I was disappointed to discover that there are neither elephants nor clowns on any of the Carnival Cruise Line cruise ships.
-A Chinese woman heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter’s suffering of psychiatric problems. She and her husband then enlisted the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk, 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, served it with some garnish and some pieces of duck, and strangely, it didn’t cure shit and now the killer and the parents are going to face jail time. [News article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5617094/Chinese-woman-boiled-mans-head-to-cure-daugthers-psychiatric-problems.html]
-A neighbor of mine informed me that there is a new trend amongst young people. Kids are smashing up Smarties [you know, those little disc candies that come in a roll of twenty or so] piling the small pieces into lines and snorting them like cocaine. The best part about this trend is that it causes no side effects; it basically just leaves them with burning nostrils and often a headache. These children are the future of the world. These kids are really going to push us in the right direction, I can feel it!
-Reverse engineering can solve a lot of problems, but it won’t fix stupid.
-The gallon of milk in my refrigerator expires on July 4. Somewhere out there, there must be a very patriotic cow, doing her part to support the American economy in this harsh economic climate.
-Kush Support is a nifty little round thing that women can put between their breasts while they sleep to provide natural support to the breasts while they sleep. Here’s the commercial. Commercial is safe for work, but some of the “related” YouTube videos might not be. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbPYfW2s-E&feature=player_embedded]
-I’ll end this one with a little advice once again. If it smells like trout, get the hell out.
Tags: advice, behead, breasts, carnival, chinese, circus, cocaine, commercial, cow, cure, drugs, education, elephants, engineering, english, freudian slip, future, humor, i love you, july 4th, july fourth, kids, laundry, milk, naked, news, patriotic, product, quote, school, smarties, smell, snort, socks, soup, support, trout, waitress, words, youtube
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