Tag Archives: quote

Waging War Against Normalcy

Posted on by
Reply

-One time, I wished upon a star that the star would actually fall from the sky and hit my archenemy in the face.

-”Not to invent yourself is to be false. To follow preordained rules is a profound betrayal of what it means to be human.” – David Starkey

-Showers killed my fun of playing with toys in the bathtub. Now, getting old and being sponged by a hot nurse is the only thing about bathing I can look forward to.

-Did you know that if you sniff a lot of petrol and then get tasered by the police, you can actually burst into flames? Happened to this guy: [Article source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090721/twl-tasered-petrol-sniffer-bursts-into-f-3fd0ae9.html ]

-I finished writing my first script this week. It’ll be the first movie with both a musical dance number and a musical sex number.

-A troop of Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes full of drugs would be a really good cover-up for a home delivery service of illicit substances.

-Apparently humans have been killing each other in Iraq for the past 50,000-75,000 years. Newly examined evidence shows that a modern human stabbed a Neanderthal with a spear like object. Survival of the fittest through murder is still evolution. Although I’d like to think that we became the dominate Homo sapiens through means other than just killing, turning on the news today shows that things haven’t changed much. [Article source: http://www.livescience.com/history/090721-neanderthal-murder.html ]

-Candlelight dinners didn’t become romantic until after electricity was invented.

-If you like to hear nothing but bad news, perhaps a profession as a 9-1-1 operator is in your future.

-Everyone has a few stains on their character, but unfortunately I’ve dated a few people that could benefit from an Oxy Clean bath and maybe even drinking a few cups of bleach.

-What do you think happens when you overdose on vitamin C? Does your immune system become so strong that it rejects yourself and you slowly turn inside out or do you think you just turn into an orange?

-For just a few extra dollars, instead of hiring a maid to clean your house you can hire a maid to clean your house while wearing lingerie.

-Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.

Running Marathons In Glass Shoes

Posted on by
Reply

-I’m a sponge full of smelly stale water and useless information.

-Every time I’m dreaming, just when it gets to the good part; right when I’m about to save the damsel in distress; the moment I’m about to solve the hangman puzzle; just as I’m about to pour the honey all over my naked body; right when I’m signing the contract on purchasing my first unicorn; my alarm goes off and wakes me up. Life isn’t fair.

-”Did you not just hear what I told you?”
“Sorry, I have my bullshit speech filter turned on. Give me a second… Okay, go ahead, what were you saying?”

-The Caps Lock key should be in all capitals, just to get the message across. The Insert key should be re-labeled to “Fucking hell! Did I push that one useless fucking button again?”

-Have you ever disliked someone so much that when you meet someone with the same name you cringe a little?

-My boss was telling me a story about her college life but I had to interrupt her to ask if her major was deflating hopes and dreams or if she just got a degree in distribution of duties.

-”I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.” – James Buchanan

-Every year, 150 people are killed by exercise equipment. Self-improvement that!

-Another interesting fact I found was that 900 women die annually during cunnilingus.

-Shaking hands with cactus plants and occasionally hugging a porcupine aren’t the only ways to find pricks; most of them are on television now and hold a seat in the government.

-When I grow up, I want to do something prestigious, like be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being able to eat the most hot dogs in an hour or something.

-Welcome to 191st day of the year. It will likely be just like the previous 190.

-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. So they’re pretty much just like humans.

-Success has enemies.

Uix Mt Ip

Posted on by
Reply

-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.

-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.

-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.

-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”

-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.

-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.

-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.

-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.

-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.

-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.

-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.

-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.

-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.

-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?

-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.

-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.

Go Funk Yourself

Posted on by
Reply

-In a perfect world, no statement would start with those first four words.

-I don’t mind singing in the shower, but when I get out the crowd always demands an encore and then I’m forced to continue singing while I try to brush my teeth.

-The best part about getting older is that you get to start more stories with “Back in my day…” and “When I was your age…”.

-Unlucky is having sex once, wearing a condom, and still becoming a father of triplets.

-Ambition tells you to not go to bed until your job is finished. Laziness tells you to do your work in the morning after you get some sleep.

-Unbearably embarrassing moments: Be a lead man carrying a casket at a funeral, but due to an untied shoelace you trip. As the casket is falling to the ground, the deceased flies from it and lands in the grave face down.

-The only thing more relaxing than chair shopping is bed shopping.

-Everyone seems surprised that celebrities die, as if they were ever something more than just human. Although their deaths are tragic, the media translates it as if it is the end of times.

-There’s nothing wrong with adding some color to your wardrobe, but fuck, some people look like they threw a box of crayons and a rainbow into a blender and doused themselves with whatever came of it!

-I like to hang out with people larger than me, that way if we’re captured by a tribe of cannibals my chances of being eaten drastically decrease.

-There needs to be a circle state. I think right in the middle of Missouri would be a good spot. Spot, that’s what we’ll name the new state too! The capitol city will be named Dot.

-I think the next Saw movie should have a guy trapped with his junk inside a toaster and the only way he can escape the room is if he makes and eats an entire box of Eggo Waffles.

-The electric carts at department stores are for handicapped people, not for people over 400lbs who don’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the store for a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese puffs.

-An optimist will tell you that things can’t get any worse while a pessimist will tell you it can’t get any better.

We’re All Unique Individuals

Posted on by
1

-”I love you.” was the Freudian slip that did me in.

-I’ve never had anything literally “knock my socks off”.

-Pound, pound, and pound all mean different things. That’s why here in America we have to take ten years of English classes for even a high school degree.

-”A great man once advised that if you’re really good at something then you should never do it for free. That’s why it’s going to cost you another $2 for me to refill your drinks.” I enjoy a waitress with a good sense of humor.

-Laundry day often turns into wonder-around-the-house-naked day.

-I was disappointed to discover that there are neither elephants nor clowns on any of the Carnival Cruise Line cruise ships.

-A Chinese woman heard in 2008 that soup made with a man’s head could help cure her daughter’s suffering of psychiatric problems. She and her husband then enlisted the help of a man in December who knocked unconscious a drunk, 76-year-old passer-by before beheading him. The couple then gave their 25-year-old daughter soup made from the man’s head, served it with some garnish and some pieces of duck, and strangely, it didn’t cure shit and now the killer and the parents are going to face jail time. [News article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/asia/china/5617094/Chinese-woman-boiled-mans-head-to-cure-daugthers-psychiatric-problems.html]

-A neighbor of mine informed me that there is a new trend amongst young people. Kids are smashing up Smarties [you know, those little disc candies that come in a roll of twenty or so] piling the small pieces into lines and snorting them like cocaine. The best part about this trend is that it causes no side effects; it basically just leaves them with burning nostrils and often a headache. These children are the future of the world. These kids are really going to push us in the right direction, I can feel it!

-Reverse engineering can solve a lot of problems, but it won’t fix stupid.

-The gallon of milk in my refrigerator expires on July 4. Somewhere out there, there must be a very patriotic cow, doing her part to support the American economy in this harsh economic climate.

-Kush Support is a nifty little round thing that women can put between their breasts while they sleep to provide natural support to the breasts while they sleep. Here’s the commercial. Commercial is safe for work, but some of the “related” YouTube videos might not be. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbbPYfW2s-E&feature=player_embedded]

-I’ll end this one with a little advice once again. If it smells like trout, get the hell out.

Obviously We Were Different Then

Posted on by
1

-If I was like a cat and knew I had nine lives, I’d probably spend eight of them as a total floozy.

-With divorce as common as it is, I’m surprised there isn’t a Stepfather’s Day.

-No matter how you slice it, that one prick will always grab the piece of pizza that you were eyeing as soon as the lid was opened.

-The people who thought that steam engines would kill off the use of sailboats are probably the same ones who thought K-Mart was just as good as Wal-Mart.

-Do you think more people make plans to vacation in the Middle East or plan to vacation in Wyoming?

-”A woman is closest to being naked when she is well dressed. ” – Coco Chanel

-If it wasn’t for Mickey Mouse I don’t think people would have horrid fears about giant mice living in their houses.

-I can’t wait until I have my own house. I’ll put up my Christmas lights once and then just leave them up until they all burn out, and then I’ll just put another strand over the old ones.

-Prisoner 1: “I’m in here for double homicide. A man cut me off on the highway so I followed him home and killed him and his dog. What are you in for?”
Prisoner 2: “I got caught sharing torrent copies of Free Willy 2 on the Pirate Bay.”

-If there is a way to weasel out of something, then you better believe that weaseling out is going to be Plan A and anything else will only be a backup strategy.

-I was watching CNN last night and after a recent “national” survey they discovered that 29% of college kids binge-drink. Apparently, they really just polled one Mormon school in Iowa, because 29% sounds pretty damn low if you ask me.

-Thanks to games like Rock Band and Guitar Hero, arguments like “My fake band is better than yours!” can happen.

-If you had to be one, would you rather be a loser, a sellout, or a poseur? I think I’d be a sellout. At least a sell out is usually somewhat successful.

-No one wants to be second – that goes for everything from marathons to gangbangs.

-Pro Tip: If the sock puppet isn’t talking, then it’s probably just filled with a regular foot and not with a hand making whimsical gestures.

Little Things In Big Packages

Posted on by
1

-Sex is like any other physically laborious activity; it’s better if you put your back into it.

-Reading the back of packaging is always a source for some interesting facts. Take for example sunblock; one ingredient you’ll find in all of the top dollar stuff is hippo sweat. That’s right, hippo sweat. After some internet browsing I also figured out that it makes for a decent insect repellant as well.

-If you’re tickling a gorilla, then you’re definitely looking for trouble.

-The first public anti-smoking campaign was launched by the Nazis, and it’s been going great ever since.

-If you repeatedly dial the wrong number more than three times in a single hour, then, congratulations, you’re eligible for execution behind the tool shed! It sucks having a cell phone number that’s only a digit off from a Chinese restaurant telephone number.

-It was once commonly believed that having alcohol in your bloodstream made it likely for you to suddenly burst into flames and be burnt alive. If that was true, I would have turned into a running, screaming, Tiki torch a long time ago.

-It’s a good thing that there isn’t a naming system for children like there is for most online services. Sure would suck to be XxBillxX2285 or D1xiCutie2010.

-The true story about the Ugly Duckling got cut short. After he grew up into a swan [which is kind of magical since he was born as a fucking duck, but whatever] he started drinking heavily and doing lots of blow, started sleeping with loose female birds, even hens I hear, and was finally did in by being struck by a golf ball at a local golf course. He’s said to be buried just off the putting green on hole number eight.

-If your marriage has lasted longer than the wedding cake, then you’re off to a good start. Don’t mess it up now.

-If someone mentions to you that love comes in all shapes in sizes then they’re just trying to hint that maybe you should try to date heftier people… or midgets.

-Most people stop collecting and displaying stuffed animals once they discover that they can be posed in amusing and awkward sexual positions.

-If you’re in a relationship, no question will proceed more fights and arguments than “Where have you been?”

-”You’re only here for a short visit. Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.” – Walter C. Hagen

-I sure could go for a snow cone right about now.

Super Obnoxious

Posted on by
1

-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.

Embracing The Stupid Of Tomorrow

Posted on by
Reply

-I don’t like to brag, but I beat a deaf, blind kid at pinball once.

-I’m not for certain, but I’m pretty sure that a Native American breaking into your room and setting your novelty dreamcatcher on fire and then peeing on it to put out the fire is not a good sign.

-If you didn’t know the definition, you might think that someone calling you a “sexist” was actually a pretty awesome compliment.

-It’s the differences between us that keep us sane.

-I really hope I die on one of my days off. I’d really hate to spend a whole day at work only to bite the dirt on my way home. What a waste of a day that would be.

-On an application for a job or school or anything really, it’s never a good idea to put “freelance gynecologist” in the Hobbies/Other Interests section.

-I met a guy named Ted D. Bear today. I told him it was unfortunate that his parents hate him that much, but at least they didn’t name him Snuggles or Yogi.

-Everything should be judged and rated by a 5-star peer review system. Online dating networks could rate each candidate by their past performances, underwear at Victoria’s Secret sorted by a 5-star rating of sexiest to least sexy, or dogs at the kennel rated least likely to tear your entire house apart.

-Pro tip: If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s probably not your damn shoe.

-I discovered the best rap song lyrics ever: “Got a one track mind / Gotta, gotta, gotta get dat behind. / Booty booty, fresh and fruity / Gotta, gotta, hit dat booty.” So classy, so modern; I love it.

-Some call me a hopeless romantic, but I call myself stupid. I have a terrible habit of falling madly in love with girls who couldn’t care less about me.

-After being in Happy Gilmore, I wonder how many times Bob Barker wanted to actually tell a contestant “The price is wrong, bitch!”

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the expression “Got to piss like a race horse.”

-Cheech and Chong need their own Saturday morning cartoon special.

-I need more readers! Spread the word and let your friends know about AmazinglyMundane.com through Facebook by becoming a fan of the AmazinglyMundane.com Page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/AmazinglyMundanecom/87514425205  or by adding me as a friend on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/ldforrest

-Not to sound too needy, but I also need bodies! In my quest for finding more work as a graphic designer, I need more and more samples for my portfolio. I am currently seeking amateur models in the Houston area for portraits and staged photography! Contact me at ldforrest at hotmail dot com if you’re interested!

Confessions Of Two Busy Hands

Posted on by
Reply

-I’ve only been wrong twice. Both instances were the biggest mistakes of my life.

-Heartburn sounds painful, but not nearly as painful as testicle-burn.

-Everyone collects stamps; I collect envelopes.

-”I enjoy your company as much as I enjoy bleeding from the head.” Gotta love the grandparents.

-I don’t help children. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any child crying in the corner is only there to lure me closer so he can slit my throat with a garden sheers.

-If I can go my entire life without being stabbed in the face by an olive fork, then I’d consider my life to be an accomplishment.

-The best way to get the opposite sex’s attention is to simply ignore them. Everyone enjoys attention. When he/she comes around then you can be yourself, make them laugh, and totally swoon them with your sweet Chewbacca tattoo, or showoff whatever shiny things you have to offer.

-I really hope that right now someone is out there making a new Christmas carol for this year. The old ones are getting pretty lame.

-Life is the last gift you’ll receive with no strings attached.

-It’s important to have friends because there are a lot of things you can’t do by yourself, like have an orgy.

-A creative block is like constipation of the mind. Unfortunately, they don’t make laxatives for it.

-If your butt isn’t numb, then you’re not meditating correctly.

-Video of the 2009 Pole Dancing Championship, you’re welcome. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBWNaJdzovI ]

-I’m signing up for yoga classes, but it has nothing to do with fitness. I’m just into foxy moms that can put their legs behind their head and enjoy passing the time by bouncing up and down on giant rubber balls.

-This is one of those days when I feel like I’m a candle burning at three different ends.