Tag Archives: quote

That White Picket Fence

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-There’s nothing more dangerous that a girl with legs who knows how to use them.

-Your flirty love letter could quickly become mistaken for a death threat with just a few punctuation errors. For example, “Drop dead gorgeous.” and “Drop dead, gorgeous.” Always proof read.

-”No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.” – Alfred Smith

-My only hope is that after a few more years of global warming, we’ll be able to get two summer breaks every year.

-When you get older tell them not to worry, it’s not a bald spot, it’s just a solar panel for a sex machine.

-I ordered a mail order bride, but it looked like the UPS guy dropped the package a few times, so I had to return her.

-No one likes a tattletale, but everyone loves a good storyteller. That’s why every time you tattle you should always embellish and elaborate well beyond the bounds of reality.

-People continue to validate my inherent mistrust of strangers.

-If you went to a very believable fortuneteller and she told you that you would die while making love, would you abstain from sex? I’d just go with it; I don’t think there’s a better way to die.

-I am declaring a war on all polyester/cotton blends.

-I hate grammar with a passionate.

-The problem with faking your death is that you can only do it once, so you have to make sure that the problems and predicaments you are in will surely be resolved when your bus full of poisonous snakes and large amounts of fireworks “suddenly” explodes.

-Leopard print -anything- isn’t sexy.

-If a fifth of Scotch doesn’t solve your problems, try another fifth.

-There are night owls, early birds, and then there’s me. I’m more of a mid-day duckling.

-I enjoy judging others as much as I enjoy being judged, which is a way to say I hate them both.

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

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-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.

Nothing Else I’d Rather Do

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-There are about 640 muscles in the human body, never in my life have all of them been having a good time at the same time.

-Have you ever seen some really bad or crazy haircut and thought to yourself “Man, they must have fallen down a flight of stairs with a pair of scissors in one hand and a weed whacker in the other.”?

-If I could go back and do it all again, I’d a hire a midget to stay in my backpack and do all of my school work for me.

-Making out is really cool until you lose your virginity, then it’s just another tedious step in the process of getting to what you’re really after: which is love, true everlasting love, of course. What did you think I meant?

-Every time I throw coins into a wishing well I make the same wish. I always wish that I had more coins to throw into it.

-”Sexting” is the hottest new trend for paying ridiculous phone prices to get a little bit of excitement. Nothing gives that feeling of a sexy private moment like anonymous and heavily abbreviated text messages sent every few minutes. “I’m going to rub your…” [two minutes and $0.99 later] “…back to relax you. Then I’ll take off my…” [two more minutes and another $0.99] “…fur coat because it sure is hot.” Perhaps this is the real reason why our economy is in the shitter. Poor money management.

-My finals are finally over, finally. So this weekend I’m going to drink until I develop methyphobia (a fear of alcohol).

-If someone asks you the hypothetical question about being stranded on an island and only being able to bring one thing and you answer anything other than an airplane or a boat, you’re stupid.

-Are you open-minded? [video link: http://www.dailymotion.com/user/totocacapouet/video/x8uei4_openmindedness_tech ]

-”My heart belongs to you, but my cock is community property.” – Steel Panther

-It’s impossible to sound stern or serious while saying “Okie-dokie!”

-Having an antidepressant addiction is the happiest bad habit you could possibly have.

-Today is International Bra Free Day. I’ll give you ladies a minute to unclasp and get comfy… Okay, now take a picture and send it to me it just might reduce your chances of breast cancer. Well, not the sending the picture part, but the freeing of the breastesses has proven to be better for your health.

-When you can’t say anything nice shut the fuck up, please.

So Indecisive It Hurts

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-There’s only about 29,000 mornings in the average person’s lifetime. I’ve decided to watch as many sunrises as I can until my time is up.

-ShamWow? More like ScamWow!

-”A series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and mockery of the unfortunate.” Sounds like a summary of a pretty decent summer comedy right? Well it’s actually a quote from The New York Times in regards to The Underground Comedy. The movie was written and directed by non other than the ShamWow guy, Vince Shlomi [who often goes by Vince Offer]. The New York Post summed the movie up as “Maybe the least amusing comedy ever made.”

-Thanks to the magic of YouTube, you can now enjoy Japanese workout videos complete with translation mistakes! [video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIaTOVLNgzU ]

-It’s a whole different meaning when porn directors get their creative juices flowing.

-My favorite kinds of scientists are the mad crazy ones.

-I saw a few husbands buying condoms on Mother’s Day. I’d say that’s just wishful thinking. Buying condoms is something you should be worrying about for Father’s Day instead.

-Their called blue balls not because of the pressure they’re under, but because they’re sad they never got to perform their one purposeful duty.

-You know you woke up way too early when the infomercials are still on repeat and the cartoons haven’t even started yet.

-”It was just a rhetorical question.”
“Good, I was about to stick that question right up your rhetorical!”

-Retirement must be very peaceful for boxers. They can finally rest assured that they’ll never have to beat another guy’s face in.

-What do you do when you’re the most powerful person in the world? Whatever the fuck you want, that’s the point.

-I don’t understand why anyone would want to go back to their high school years. Puberty was a cruel, violent, and torturous thing. Why the hell would anyone want to repeat that?

-That’s it until tomorrow. If you need me I’ll be at the corner of 8th and Jamison working hard for very little.

Thoroughly Confused

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-I don’t French kiss, I American kiss. If you don’t know what that is, well then my friend, you’re missing out!

-Seeing is believing! Well, unless you’re blind, then it’s just believing.

-Torturing someone really takes a lot out of you. That’d be a good advertisement for an energy drink. “Running out of toenails to remove? Broken all of the less important bones already? Still not getting the confession you wanted? Save the jumper-cables-to-the-gonads trick for when you really need it, grab a PRODUCT NAME HERE!”

-Now that I think about it… I haven’t been tied up and whipped in a really long time.

-It hurts when you get your finger nicked in your zipper, but it’s just plain embarrassing when you get it nicked in someone else’s.

-You know the best part about the new Transformers 2 trailer? It’s not the new Transformers, it’s not the crazy action and multitude of explosions, and it’s not even the part with the giant sand eating monster. It’s the part where Megan Fox is pretending to work on a motorcycle. I’ve never wanted to be a leather seat so bad in my entire life. [Video link: http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809943432/video/13222062 ]

-Rape victims should have the ability to decide the punishment for the accused. I think that would really put a dent in the amount of sexual assault crimes.

-”If you don’t go to other men’s funerals, they won’t go to yours.” – Clarence Day

-I want to live to be over a hundred just so I can party like it’s 99′ twice.

-If you have any qualms about buying a Wal-Mart brand product, why in the hell would you go to their pharmacy for medical advice?

-Swine Flu is pretty much a game of cooties played by adults. This time instead of pinches and flirty gestures, it’s a bunch of hand sanitizer, flu masks, and an occasional death.

-A pornographic film is being made somewhere in the United States roughly every 39 minutes.

-There is only one think deadlier than Chuck Norris? Zombie Chuck Norris.

-Would you rather be hit by a slow moving bus and killed or hit by a small car repeatedly until you were killed?

-If you have to ask the audience for a round of applause, then it wasn’t deserving of applause in the first place.

-Happy birthday, dad.

Undergarments On Your Cranium

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-If you can’t say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.

-Right before I die, I want to go to my local library and rent every single encyclopedia, dictionary, or reference book for words starting with the letter S. Then when I pass away, I want to be buried with all of them.

-A Port-O-Potty Port-O-Pole-Dancer would be a great idea.

-There’s no better way to start the day than with a big cup of hot, all natural Brazilian blended smooth roast coffee being dumped all over your lap.

-I’d blow myself up for 72 virgins. I’ve done dumber things for girls in the past.

-I don’t like to brag about my popularity, but I’m universally renowned as That Guy Over There in most social circles.

- It’s just simple logic; the larger your shoes, the more likely you are to step in dog shit.

-Due to the speed limits being eliminated, gondola accident fatalities in Venice are up 200% this year.

-D’s are like B’s without a belt on.

-I’d be willing to bet that most astronomers fell into the profession after their neighbors learned to keep their blinds closed.

-They’ve already installed the stairway, but I’m starting a petition to install a handicap ramp to heaven.

-A friend and I were nearly in a car accident this week. Not the head-on-collision type, more like the too-many-bottles-of-water-and-no-gas-station-to-stop-at type.

-When I’m running late in the mornings, I iron my clothes in the car on the way to work. It’s tricky, I got burnt a few times, but after some practice, it’s not too bad.

-My train of thought derailed when I was 10 and I’ve been cleaning up the spilt cargo ever since.

-”…And like a fart in the wind, he disappeared.”

Deserters Will Be Shot

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-I have a beard, I make the rules.

-If you live along the southern border of the United States, I suggest you learn Spanish. It’s always a good idea to learn the language of your conquerors.

-The good thing about global warming is that maybe I’ll finally have a nice even tan. I don’t know about you, but once the temperature gets above 110 degrees I’m just going to stop wearing pants all together.

-I passed the Good Samaritan test this morning. While walking out to my car, there was a brand new Mercedes car with its door wide open. I looked around, didn’t see anybody nearby so I shut the car door. On my way out of the parking lot a police car stopped me and told me thanks for being so nice, but that they were waiting for someone to try to take the car or for someone to steal belongings from inside. Little did he know, I planned to come back with a big sack so I could more easily carry the sweet roller blades that were laying in the backseat and the two stray golf clubs that were lying on the floorboard. Good thing he blew his cover. That would have been really embarrassing.

-My favorite thing about James Bond flicks is the ridiculous names for the lead ladies. Could you imagine a girl actually having to suffer through public school with a name like Pussy Galore?

-I had a dream that I lived in a great and wonderful world made entirely of sand, then in that dream it started to rain and everything turned to mud and muck. It must have been a representation of my last relationship. Fucking whore, but I digress.

-I’m a very patient man. Yesterday I waited in line at the bank for 45 minutes just to get a pen.

-I wonder who came up with the idea that giving someone a bouquet of thorny, blood red flowers would be a good way to show their love for someone. I would have gone for something lighter in color that didn’t have a possibility of making someone bleed, but I guess that’s just me.

-I dated a model once. A plus size model, but still, doesn’t mean I can’t brag a little.

-Aren’t all drugs recreational drugs? Is there really anyone who takes drugs professionally?

-I’m a strong advocate of free speech. I started a 500 man petition to Wheel of Fortune to stop making people buy vowels.

-”In the backroom she’s everyone darling.”

Misdirection

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-Justice is a delicate pie that is all too often delivered by a poorly trained monkey riding a rocket at full speed through a tornado.

-I’m a man of my word – and my word is boobies.

-Good things come to those who wait. Unless you’re waiting on concert tickets, those just get worse and worse the longer you wait. Well, unless you really want to sit in row ZZ99 situated right behind a giant cement column.

-Honorable mention is kind of a pointless award in an eating contest. You pretty much just went on stage and had a nice meal, nothing particularly honorable about that.

-I’m happy and I know it, I just refuse to clap my hands. Thus, I will not show it.

-I’m sick of these backyard dog relationships. Barking at each other through the fence then when face to face they just sniff each other’s asses and act like everything’s hunky-dory.

-Summer is my favorite time of year. It means I can finally throw a B.B.B.B.B.Q. (bikini, beer, beach, barbeque) party.

-”Isn’t this a magical moment, sweetie?”
“No, a truck full of crystal balls crashing into a glitter factory would be a magical moment. This is pretty fucking mundane.”

-Potted plants make me sad; forced to live their lives with a capped potential. It’d be like living a completely normal life but you’d always have to wear clothes too small for you.

-In every instance of my entire life that I said, “I’ll bring my books and study there.” never have I ever actually studied when I got to where I was going.

-I want to do something really great for society so they erect a statue in my honor. And I want that statue to be a dozen foxy nurses riding on the back of a unicorn that’s stabbing Rosie O’Donnell in the heart with its horn. That’d be one hell of a memorial, I think.

-If you’re the successor to a failure does that just make you neutral or another failure?

-Here’s the average work philosophy: work as little as possible, take credit for as much as you can, and bitch about it all the first chance you get.

-When all of the guns are out on the table, it’s too late to change where your allegiances lie.