Tag Archives: reading

Little Things In Big Packages

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-Sex is like any other physically laborious activity; it’s better if you put your back into it.

-Reading the back of packaging is always a source for some interesting facts. Take for example sunblock; one ingredient you’ll find in all of the top dollar stuff is hippo sweat. That’s right, hippo sweat. After some internet browsing I also figured out that it makes for a decent insect repellant as well.

-If you’re tickling a gorilla, then you’re definitely looking for trouble.

-The first public anti-smoking campaign was launched by the Nazis, and it’s been going great ever since.

-If you repeatedly dial the wrong number more than three times in a single hour, then, congratulations, you’re eligible for execution behind the tool shed! It sucks having a cell phone number that’s only a digit off from a Chinese restaurant telephone number.

-It was once commonly believed that having alcohol in your bloodstream made it likely for you to suddenly burst into flames and be burnt alive. If that was true, I would have turned into a running, screaming, Tiki torch a long time ago.

-It’s a good thing that there isn’t a naming system for children like there is for most online services. Sure would suck to be XxBillxX2285 or D1xiCutie2010.

-The true story about the Ugly Duckling got cut short. After he grew up into a swan [which is kind of magical since he was born as a fucking duck, but whatever] he started drinking heavily and doing lots of blow, started sleeping with loose female birds, even hens I hear, and was finally did in by being struck by a golf ball at a local golf course. He’s said to be buried just off the putting green on hole number eight.

-If your marriage has lasted longer than the wedding cake, then you’re off to a good start. Don’t mess it up now.

-If someone mentions to you that love comes in all shapes in sizes then they’re just trying to hint that maybe you should try to date heftier people… or midgets.

-Most people stop collecting and displaying stuffed animals once they discover that they can be posed in amusing and awkward sexual positions.

-If you’re in a relationship, no question will proceed more fights and arguments than “Where have you been?”

-”You’re only here for a short visit. Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.” – Walter C. Hagen

-I sure could go for a snow cone right about now.

It’s Always Something

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It’s Always Something

-I hope that when robots take over the world I’ll be able to work as a parts lubricator. That job sounds a lot more enjoyable than being liquefied and turned into a biofuel.

-Martha Stewart doesn’t play Rock, Paper, Scissors; she plays Drain Plug, Bath Mat, Shower Curtain.

-If your nanny arrives at your house floating down from the sky on a flying umbrella, either you’re tripping balls or your parents called the magician hotline instead of the babysitter hotline.

-Before I read any book, I go online and read the book’s climax. If it doesn’t grab me, I don’t buy it… I also enjoy looking at their covers. Covers are a really important part of any of the books I read.

-When someone says that something has all of the “bells and whistles” it doesn’t really impress me. I don’t typically want bells or whistles on anything I own.

-I take that last comment back, if there was a procedure to make a woman’s breasts honk when you squeezed them, I might be somewhat interested.

-This Saturday at 8:30pm is Earth Hour. Earth Hour is a program sponsored by the WWF [unfortunately, not the wrestling federation], World Wildlife Fund. This program is asking for everyone to turn off all of their lights for one hour in an effort to save energy and help the environment. Unfortunately, the byproduct of asking everyone to turn off their lights for an hour on a Saturday night is a mass amount of simultaneous reproduction. It’s already been proven in previous incidents of power outages that when the television doesn’t work and computers are turned off, everyone’s favorite pastime is bumping uglies. So we save 60 minutes of electricity and provide the world with an extra million mouths to feed. Good idea, but this won’t save the planet. [More details about Earth Hour here: http://www.earthhour.org]

-I’d like everyone to give the deranged lunatics of the world a big round of applause. If it wasn’t for them, our news channels would be so bland and boring.

-You know a girl is excessively rich when she hires an interior decorator for her private parts.

-Nothing says “I’m a gigantic prick!” like a popped collar.

-I’d watch golf if they only played during thunderstorms and they added landmines to the golf course.

-I haven’t folded socks it almost 8 years now. I’m pretty sure my sock drawer is haunted, so I don’t open it anymore.