Tag Archives: relationship

I Will Treat You Right

Posted on by
Reply

-What if one day your computer becomes self-aware and tells everyone all of the horrible, horrible things you’ve been looking at?

-I bet Tyrannosaurs were the best knitters.

-“I thought she might be crazy when she saved a loose fingernail clipping of mine that got left on the bathroom floor, but when she looked straight into my eyes and asked if I could do the dishes I knew she was bat-shit crazy!”

-Dictionaries can tell a million stories. They have all the right words you just have to find the perfect order.

-It took many years and many one dollar bills, but I have finally overcome my fear of naked, uninhibited breasts.

-The most common lie told these days is “Yes, I have read and agree to the terms and conditions.”

-Nothing is worse than being embarrassed and feeling flush and then someone points out how red your face is and how embarrassed you must be. Thanks. People are such dicks.

-“Cute as a button” – what kind of weird apparel fetish do you have?

-It really upsets me when a store has double-doors but they only have one door unlocked. What kind of weird mind experiment trick are playing on me shop keeper?! I demand answers!

-“Do you know how fast you were going?” “No officer, I bought the only car on the entire planet that doesn’t have a speedometer. This sweet ride is pretty much just a Power Wheels on steroids.”

-Few things in this world could be worse than being trapped in an elevator with a mime who takes miming extremely seriously.

-Your love is a trapdoor that is a slide made of rainbows that leads to a vat of glitter that slowly swallows me like quicksand and I’m being smothered by the dazzle and choking on the magic.

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

Posted on by
Reply

-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.