Tag Archives: relationships

Confessions Of Two Busy Hands

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-I’ve only been wrong twice. Both instances were the biggest mistakes of my life.

-Heartburn sounds painful, but not nearly as painful as testicle-burn.

-Everyone collects stamps; I collect envelopes.

-”I enjoy your company as much as I enjoy bleeding from the head.” Gotta love the grandparents.

-I don’t help children. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any child crying in the corner is only there to lure me closer so he can slit my throat with a garden sheers.

-If I can go my entire life without being stabbed in the face by an olive fork, then I’d consider my life to be an accomplishment.

-The best way to get the opposite sex’s attention is to simply ignore them. Everyone enjoys attention. When he/she comes around then you can be yourself, make them laugh, and totally swoon them with your sweet Chewbacca tattoo, or showoff whatever shiny things you have to offer.

-I really hope that right now someone is out there making a new Christmas carol for this year. The old ones are getting pretty lame.

-Life is the last gift you’ll receive with no strings attached.

-It’s important to have friends because there are a lot of things you can’t do by yourself, like have an orgy.

-A creative block is like constipation of the mind. Unfortunately, they don’t make laxatives for it.

-If your butt isn’t numb, then you’re not meditating correctly.

-Video of the 2009 Pole Dancing Championship, you’re welcome. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBWNaJdzovI ]

-I’m signing up for yoga classes, but it has nothing to do with fitness. I’m just into foxy moms that can put their legs behind their head and enjoy passing the time by bouncing up and down on giant rubber balls.

-This is one of those days when I feel like I’m a candle burning at three different ends.

That White Picket Fence

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-There’s nothing more dangerous that a girl with legs who knows how to use them.

-Your flirty love letter could quickly become mistaken for a death threat with just a few punctuation errors. For example, “Drop dead gorgeous.” and “Drop dead, gorgeous.” Always proof read.

-”No matter how thin you slice it, it’s still baloney.” – Alfred Smith

-My only hope is that after a few more years of global warming, we’ll be able to get two summer breaks every year.

-When you get older tell them not to worry, it’s not a bald spot, it’s just a solar panel for a sex machine.

-I ordered a mail order bride, but it looked like the UPS guy dropped the package a few times, so I had to return her.

-No one likes a tattletale, but everyone loves a good storyteller. That’s why every time you tattle you should always embellish and elaborate well beyond the bounds of reality.

-People continue to validate my inherent mistrust of strangers.

-If you went to a very believable fortuneteller and she told you that you would die while making love, would you abstain from sex? I’d just go with it; I don’t think there’s a better way to die.

-I am declaring a war on all polyester/cotton blends.

-I hate grammar with a passionate.

-The problem with faking your death is that you can only do it once, so you have to make sure that the problems and predicaments you are in will surely be resolved when your bus full of poisonous snakes and large amounts of fireworks “suddenly” explodes.

-Leopard print -anything- isn’t sexy.

-If a fifth of Scotch doesn’t solve your problems, try another fifth.

-There are night owls, early birds, and then there’s me. I’m more of a mid-day duckling.

-I enjoy judging others as much as I enjoy being judged, which is a way to say I hate them both.

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

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-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.

Schnozberries

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-Bazooka Gum sounded awesome, then I realized there wasn’t a bazooka inside the package, nor was it shot into my mouth by a bazooka… In fact, there isn’t a bazooka involved in any way, whatsoever.

-All art is concept art; otherwise it’s just a photograph.

-Love is a beautiful thing when you’re actually in love. When you’re not in love, it’s rather annoying and aggravating.

-Body shots – because the first round of drinks is on me, literally.

-The most honest motivational poster would say something like “If you are reading this in an office environment, then it’s time to find another job.”

-Thanks to the internet, I’ve seen things I never thought I would, things I never wanted to see, and things I will never forget I saw, no matter how hard I try.

-Parenting – Not everyone can do it and no one is ready for it.

-A great man once said, “Pull my finger.” and a lesser, and quickly regretful, other man actually did.

-If we could somehow get everyone to care about holes in the ozone as much as they care about holes in their underwear, the world would be a much better place.

-Despite the rumors and speculation, I’m relatively certain that there is no such thing as “mourning sex”, so don’t worry about picking up a box of party ponchos before a funeral.

-Here’s a creative way to lose your limbs: play Red Rover, Red Rover with the Transformers.

-The hopes of a stripper leaping from a birthday cake quickly diminish with each piece of cake you cut to serve.

-If the point in time ever comes when we all get to own our own robots, I’m going to name mine Rusty Balls.

-Laughter is the best medicine. Side effects may include sore sides, burning cheeks, and wetting of the trousers. If you experience laughter lasting more than 4 hours consult a physician immediately because this may be a sign of delirium. Ask your doctor if laughter is right for you.

I Cannot Find My Other Half

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-Welcome to the unofficial national wiener roasting day. Lest we forget that today is actually the day to honor the roughly 668,268 men and women who have died in combat defending this country.

-I’m so good at calling in to work that I convinced my employer that my grandmother passed away last week and I was able to skip more work when I told them this week that she was resuscitated and needed me to help her move into her new condominium.

-If Crayons tasted as delicious as they look, everyone would be an art major.

-I wish I was a celebrity; everyone would know my name, I could buy whatever I wanted, everyone would want to take a picture with me, and I could occasionally get away with murder.

-New slang: Organ donor – Refers to any male or female who has sex frequently, donating their reproductive organs to others.

-Back in my day, you actually had to turn the pencil inside the sharpener to sharpen it.

-It’s a personal rule of mine to never get intimately involved with a girl described as “loosey-goosey”. I recommend you adopt it as a rule yourself.

-I learned this weekend that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

-Happy endings only exist in massage parlors and fairy tales.

-In these tough economic times, it wouldn’t surprise me if the leader of a large occult was sued for using the Kool-Aid brand without the proper copyright permission.

-Anytime you’re watching a thriller movie, during the opening credits, the actor whose name comes right after the main character is usually the killer.

-Unfortunately, I only have enough extremities to count to 21.

-”Time heals all wounds” is a polite way of saying “This shit won’t matter in a month so I’d rather not waste my time giving you any suggestions on how to get over it because I know you’re just going to ignore my advice and do whatever the fuck you want anyway… You cunt.”

-Plan-A never works, Plan-B almost never works, and no one ever has a Plan-C until Plan-B fucks up terribly.

-Pro-Tip: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck. It’s probably a damn duck.

-Have you ever stopped all of a sudden and thought to yourself “Where the hell am I and why am I naked?” Happens to me at least once every day it seems.

-She’s the misfortune to all of my luck.

Zombies Are Just Hungering For Knowledge

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-Some people just deserve a good swift kick to the crotch.

-In an effort to get inspired and to come up with new material, I ventured out to the great outdoors. Well, as my car sat at the local park while I got in touch with nature and what not, a dozen or so birds decided to crap all over the damn thing and to finish things off, on my way home I hit a squirrel, a house cat, two ducks and a penguin. Fuck nature.

-You have to accept that there is a meaning and purpose to the universe, even if it’s far too complicated for you to understand.

-There comes a point in any geeky guy’s life when he has to ask himself a really important question, no matter how much he may dread the answer: “Is my online girlfriend really a guy?”

-I’m an honorable man, but I’ll never admit to stealing those cookies from the cookie jar.

-A man teaching gun safety accidently shot himself in the head while demonstrating why you should keep guns unloaded at all times. If that’s not irony then I don’t know what is. [Article source: http://www.azstarnet.com/metro/293333.php ]

-Men don’t share their clothes with other men, unless it involves a funeral service: only exception, period.

-The new poster for the Twilight sequel, New Moon, has hit the net and I’m pretty sure I need to go change my pants. Hopefully this one won’t suck, but judging by the poster this movie is still going to be a series of funny facial expressions. [Image link: http://www.aintitcool.com/node/41127 ]

-No one cares for police officers that much when they’re getting a ticket, but as soon as someone breaks into their house and steals their collection of Star Wars figurines who’s the first person they call?

-My security blanket for when I retire is a million dollars sewn together into a giant quilt.

-Pro Tip: Eating one of those tree shaped air fresheners is not the same thing as rinsing with some mouthwash.

-I’m going to go get terminated tonight at midnight. Hopefully the new Terminator Salvation movie has a bunch of grown ass men naked in a fetal position. That’s my favorite part about the series. Well, that and when the T-1000 stabs John Connor’s dad in the face through the bottom of the milk carton. That part was pretty cool too. I fucking love milk.

-Don’t expect much from me and I’ll expect even less from you.

Progress In Reverse

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-If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I don’t want to come back as a lonely amoeba, waddling my protoplasmic mass around, playing parasite to some unfortunate host.

-If you really had to choose, would you rather lose all of your fingers except your pinkies or would you rather lose all of your toes except the smallest ones, you know, the little piggies that went to the market?

-No one ever needs a king size candy bar. Want it as much as you’d like, but you can’t justify your body needing 10lbs of chocolate covered with a half gallon of caramel and a jars worth of crushed up peanuts.

-”You call this music? Sounds like he’s playing the piano with a garden rake strapped to his dick.”

-Nothing says “I love you” like inviting a total stranger into the bedroom for a night of fun.

-A 400lb doctor telling you that you should eat healthier is like a mother of eight telling me I should practice safe sex.

-IHOP is a classy place to take a girl on a date. The stale coffee smell and the lingering tobacco smoke go great with the delicious food and sticky tabletops.

-It was cut out of the children’s book, but Prince Charming was actually a necrophiliac and thought Sleeping Beauty was dead when he kissed her and was then somewhat disappointed when she woke up and proclaimed he was her one true love. True story.

-A pen is never truly out of ink until it fails the drawing clockwise scribbled circles test.

-Best question I’ve ever been asked: “Where can I find D-batteries and edible undergarments?”

-If I had a time machine I’d go back in time and ruin everyone’s movie going experience by spoiling the ending of every movie during the opening credits.

-I stayed in a very exotic hotel last summer; they had bath mats made out of Siamese cat fur.

-Whoever decided to call an open door “ajar” was a real ass. “The door is ajar.” “No, the door is a door; this open glass container is a jar.” “Yes, the jar is ajar as well.”

-With a little relabeling and some new box art, you could turn a regular retail grill accessory kit into a do it yourself cannibalism kit.

-There is no I in “team” but there is one in “quit” and one in “give up”.

Nothing Else I’d Rather Do

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-There are about 640 muscles in the human body, never in my life have all of them been having a good time at the same time.

-Have you ever seen some really bad or crazy haircut and thought to yourself “Man, they must have fallen down a flight of stairs with a pair of scissors in one hand and a weed whacker in the other.”?

-If I could go back and do it all again, I’d a hire a midget to stay in my backpack and do all of my school work for me.

-Making out is really cool until you lose your virginity, then it’s just another tedious step in the process of getting to what you’re really after: which is love, true everlasting love, of course. What did you think I meant?

-Every time I throw coins into a wishing well I make the same wish. I always wish that I had more coins to throw into it.

-”Sexting” is the hottest new trend for paying ridiculous phone prices to get a little bit of excitement. Nothing gives that feeling of a sexy private moment like anonymous and heavily abbreviated text messages sent every few minutes. “I’m going to rub your…” [two minutes and $0.99 later] “…back to relax you. Then I’ll take off my…” [two more minutes and another $0.99] “…fur coat because it sure is hot.” Perhaps this is the real reason why our economy is in the shitter. Poor money management.

-My finals are finally over, finally. So this weekend I’m going to drink until I develop methyphobia (a fear of alcohol).

-If someone asks you the hypothetical question about being stranded on an island and only being able to bring one thing and you answer anything other than an airplane or a boat, you’re stupid.

-Are you open-minded? [video link: http://www.dailymotion.com/user/totocacapouet/video/x8uei4_openmindedness_tech ]

-”My heart belongs to you, but my cock is community property.” – Steel Panther

-It’s impossible to sound stern or serious while saying “Okie-dokie!”

-Having an antidepressant addiction is the happiest bad habit you could possibly have.

-Today is International Bra Free Day. I’ll give you ladies a minute to unclasp and get comfy… Okay, now take a picture and send it to me it just might reduce your chances of breast cancer. Well, not the sending the picture part, but the freeing of the breastesses has proven to be better for your health.

-When you can’t say anything nice shut the fuck up, please.

Delusions And Ponderings From The Timeout Corner

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-The grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence. There aren’t any ant piles and it never has to be mowed either.

-Alien ray guns are much more humane than today’s modern guns. With a ray gun, you’re going to evaporate into a billion particles even if you get shot in the genitals. The same can’t be said for the latter.

-There probably isn’t anyone wishing another person a Happy Mother’s Day at an abortion clinic.

-I’m not out in the public very often. I’m more of the quiet romantic night at home kind of guys, but for the few hours I did spend out in the zoo that is society I noticed that today must be National Moo-Moo Day. I’ve never seen so many people sporting sleeved blankets in such a short amount of time. For a moment I thought I was trapped in the Snuggie’s commercial.

-I’m writing a survival guide for people who want to venture out into the wild. I don’t want to spoil too much, but Chapter 5 is about how to properly curl into a ball and cry hysterically until a rescue team arrives. Chapter 10 explains why hiding sausage in your overweight friend’s backpack is a good way to survive a bear attack, assuming of course, that you can run faster than you’re fat friend.

-If you had to be embarrassed by one or the other, would you rather be caught with your pants down or with a finger deep inside a nostril?

-They should have combined television shows and made Barney into a monster that the Power Rangers had to stop from destroying the world.

-Love is going to beat you up, drag you down, and give you everything you asked for.

-Without the discovery of caffeine and the widespread addiction to coffee, I don’t think that the industrial revolution would have ever happened.

-There’s nothing particularly great about men’s undergarments, but women’s panties, those things are magical. I’d argue they are more magical than a flying carpet. They have gotten me in more trouble and persuaded me to more bad things than any amount of peer pressure or large volume of alcohol ever has. Before I die, I’m going to create an ode to underwear. Whether it is in song form, a painting, or an epic odyssey, I will do it.

-I’ve been absorbing other people’s problems like a sponge since 1996. It’s time to find someone who can wring me out.

-Since it’s finals time, I’ll end this one with a study tip: Make a batch of margaritas to enjoy as you study. If you drink enough you’ll wake up with a headache, but that just means you studied hard. Knowledge hurts; anyone who tells you otherwise is stupid. Good luck!

Overwhelming The Underwhelmed

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-On every first date I go on, I try to work a few very important questions casually into the conversation: 1) Have you ever cut a man’s dick off? 2) Was your uncle cremated and do you keep his remains in a milk jug in the refrigerator? And 3) Have you ever contemplated chopping a man’s wiener off? If she answers those three questions satisfactory then I’ll probably arrange to see her again.

-Sexy dorky people shall now be referred to as “storky”.

-Life certainly is a highway, but unfortunately I know a few people that just can’t seem to leave their driveway.

-Ordering sushi at a restaurant instead of cooked meat is like wanting a gallon of milk and having to buy a cow at a grocery store. Just hang on to that shit until it’s ready for me to consume.

-I came up with some new dance moves last night. It’s kind of hard to describe, but I’d relate it to how a person would look if an alien suddenly burst from their sternum and then did a little jazz hands at the end.

-You a name that would really suck to have? Dickface Cockbag III.

-Have you ever tried to teach a zombie some table manners? It’s really hard to get it through their head that they shouldn’t play with their food and that they ought to use some napkins and not be such messy eaters. Not to mention that the entire time you’re trying to teach them they’re trying to disembowel you and wear your face as a hat.

-There are several types of deaths in movies that you just can’t ever take seriously and they always have at least a little bit of comic value. One death that comes to mind in particular is anyone being killed by a harpoon gun that isn’t underwater or dressed in scuba gear.

-It doesn’t matter that you lost, what matters is what you learned from your failures. For example, now you know exactly how not to win a $5,000 grand prize. That might be useful.

-Pro Tip: You mop floors by holding onto the dry end.

-My love life can be summed up in one simple equation: Me = Life – Love

-My creativity knows no bounds. Nor does it recognize any laws, moral boundaries, personal standards, or social norms.