Tag Archives: robots

Everyone Makes Mistakes, But Me

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-When choosing legal council, I always go with the lawyer with the most terrible commercial. If he/she is so eager for work that they are willing to make a complete ass of themselves on public television, then I know they will be able to focus solely on my case.

-All of the good women are taken, but that little hiccup hasn’t stopped me yet.

-What goes around comes around; like Ferris Wheels, merry-go-rounds, umbrellas, balls, and some hats.

-You know your child’s future is rather bleak when the guidance counselor suggests your child look into forklift operating as a potential college major.

-If you believe in Jesus, it isn’t asking much of you to consider the possibility of a zombie outbreak in the future.

-No one can do the robot better than an actual robot. That’s how the machines will take over one day, first it’s our dance moves, then it’s our souls.

-Someone once told me “Remember these words, for they will save your life one day.” Pretty amazing stuff. Words, these, will, for, they, day, remember, life, save, your, one. Wonder how that’s going to save me… Is it a password or something? Will I be forced into a game of real-life Hangman and those are the answers to the puzzle? Only time will tell.

-There are many more things in our broom closet that just brooms. In fact, I don’t think there is even a broom in there at all…

-Corporate sponsors never forget.

-Remember to always burn all incriminating evidence.

-Pimps should start using an Employee of The Month program to boost moral a bit.

-I save all of my Christmas candy canes to give out to trick-or-treaters the following year.

-A naked game of Twister sounds like fun until left-hand green, left-leg yellow, and right-leg red. Then things just take a turn for the worse.

-To whoever does the marketing for Icy Hot, I implore you to create an ad campaign around Blue Oyster Cult’s “I’m Burnin’ For You”.

-If you’re going to get addicted to drugs, I at least hope it’s Children’s Tylenol in the bubblegum flavor. That shit is delicious!

Schnozberries

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-Bazooka Gum sounded awesome, then I realized there wasn’t a bazooka inside the package, nor was it shot into my mouth by a bazooka… In fact, there isn’t a bazooka involved in any way, whatsoever.

-All art is concept art; otherwise it’s just a photograph.

-Love is a beautiful thing when you’re actually in love. When you’re not in love, it’s rather annoying and aggravating.

-Body shots – because the first round of drinks is on me, literally.

-The most honest motivational poster would say something like “If you are reading this in an office environment, then it’s time to find another job.”

-Thanks to the internet, I’ve seen things I never thought I would, things I never wanted to see, and things I will never forget I saw, no matter how hard I try.

-Parenting – Not everyone can do it and no one is ready for it.

-A great man once said, “Pull my finger.” and a lesser, and quickly regretful, other man actually did.

-If we could somehow get everyone to care about holes in the ozone as much as they care about holes in their underwear, the world would be a much better place.

-Despite the rumors and speculation, I’m relatively certain that there is no such thing as “mourning sex”, so don’t worry about picking up a box of party ponchos before a funeral.

-Here’s a creative way to lose your limbs: play Red Rover, Red Rover with the Transformers.

-The hopes of a stripper leaping from a birthday cake quickly diminish with each piece of cake you cut to serve.

-If the point in time ever comes when we all get to own our own robots, I’m going to name mine Rusty Balls.

-Laughter is the best medicine. Side effects may include sore sides, burning cheeks, and wetting of the trousers. If you experience laughter lasting more than 4 hours consult a physician immediately because this may be a sign of delirium. Ask your doctor if laughter is right for you.

All Over It Like A Wet Sweater

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-My birthday wish this year will be for a fire breathing unicorn. Wish me luck!

-You know the expression “April showers bring May flowers”? Well here in Houston, Texas we’ve been behind most of April, so to meet our quota we are getting all of April’s showers in the form of 4 days of torrential downpour.

-It’s not polite to point, so I gawk instead.

-One of the reasons why you yawn is because you need to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. So when you yawn, the pressure change outside of your eardrums unbalances other people’s eardrum pressures so they must yawn also to even it out. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why yawns are contagious.

-Even if you aren’t a fan of Tool, I suggest you watch this video demonstrating the Fibonacci number sequence in Tool’s “Lateralus”. It’s very interesting and if not only pure coincidence: genius. [Video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS7CZIJVxFY&fmt=18 ]

-Despite how disgusting it sounds, cheese in an aerosol can was a really great idea.

-When one door is locked, hope that a window was left open. That’s the burglar’s version of the similar motto.

-Clarissa Explains It All was a good damn show. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

-On Tuesday the Senate unanimously passed a bill that would make it a third degree felony for anyone to have sex with an animal in Florida. That’s a step forward, rest assured everyone.

-When working on our homework together, my ex asked me what the capitol of Paris was. I told her she reminds me of a lava lamp; fun to look at, but not very bright. She never let me live it down.

-The first publicized robot attack and it’s a whopping two years after the fact. A worker was performing maintenance on a robot designed to lift heavy rocks when the robot suddenly came to life then picked up and nearly chocked the worker to death. The worker managed to escape its grasp but suffered four broken ribs among other serious injuries. [Source article: http://www.thelocal.se/19120.html ]

-Pro Tip: If there is a zipper going down your butt crack your pants are probably on backwards.

-Before any night of partying, I seclude myself in a quiet room and evaluate my goals for the evening: I will not spend more than the cash I have in my wallet, I will not make a fool of myself, I will not get thrown up on, I will not throw up on others. Then I put on my tuxedo shirt and flip flops and head out on the town.

It’s Always Something

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It’s Always Something

-I hope that when robots take over the world I’ll be able to work as a parts lubricator. That job sounds a lot more enjoyable than being liquefied and turned into a biofuel.

-Martha Stewart doesn’t play Rock, Paper, Scissors; she plays Drain Plug, Bath Mat, Shower Curtain.

-If your nanny arrives at your house floating down from the sky on a flying umbrella, either you’re tripping balls or your parents called the magician hotline instead of the babysitter hotline.

-Before I read any book, I go online and read the book’s climax. If it doesn’t grab me, I don’t buy it… I also enjoy looking at their covers. Covers are a really important part of any of the books I read.

-When someone says that something has all of the “bells and whistles” it doesn’t really impress me. I don’t typically want bells or whistles on anything I own.

-I take that last comment back, if there was a procedure to make a woman’s breasts honk when you squeezed them, I might be somewhat interested.

-This Saturday at 8:30pm is Earth Hour. Earth Hour is a program sponsored by the WWF [unfortunately, not the wrestling federation], World Wildlife Fund. This program is asking for everyone to turn off all of their lights for one hour in an effort to save energy and help the environment. Unfortunately, the byproduct of asking everyone to turn off their lights for an hour on a Saturday night is a mass amount of simultaneous reproduction. It’s already been proven in previous incidents of power outages that when the television doesn’t work and computers are turned off, everyone’s favorite pastime is bumping uglies. So we save 60 minutes of electricity and provide the world with an extra million mouths to feed. Good idea, but this won’t save the planet. [More details about Earth Hour here: http://www.earthhour.org]

-I’d like everyone to give the deranged lunatics of the world a big round of applause. If it wasn’t for them, our news channels would be so bland and boring.

-You know a girl is excessively rich when she hires an interior decorator for her private parts.

-Nothing says “I’m a gigantic prick!” like a popped collar.

-I’d watch golf if they only played during thunderstorms and they added landmines to the golf course.

-I haven’t folded socks it almost 8 years now. I’m pretty sure my sock drawer is haunted, so I don’t open it anymore.