Tag Archives: romantic

Breaking Up: Easy Ways To Initiate The Big Letdown

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We’ve all heard the old “it’s not you, it’s me” line, but there are a plethora of other ways to let your significant other know that they aren’t so significant. As with any other tactic or strategy, there is usually a counter maneuver you have to be aware of. I’ll break down your break ups and let you know what to be wary of.

Alright, let’s start breaking hearts.

Option 1: Fake Your Death
Most obvious of your options when it’s time to call it quits, but one of the trickiest moves to pull off successfully. Works great when you are moving, joined the armed forces, have been relocated for your job, or if you two have only dated over the internet.

Doesn’t Work When: You’re dating your next door neighbor, you two share mutual friends who cant keep secrets, or if you are dating someone in the same apartment complex – easily turning your day into the longest elevator ride of your life as you try to explain to them that you are just a ghost… and that even ghosts have to go grocery shopping.

Option 2: Plant Evidence That You’ve Been Cheating
Evidence suggesting you’ve been cheating is a good way to get them to break up with you, saving you the hassle of initiating the conversation and ensuring they will never want to talk to you again. Guys just need to buy a bottle of cheap perfume that smells sweeter than a sugar cube and a bottle of honey having sex. A few spurts on your chest when you’re on your way home is a sure way to make her think you’ve been snuggling with an 18 year old. Girls, all you need to do is splash a little Brut on your inner thighs. Next time you’re in bed together, your soon-to-be ex will quickly wonder what other recently shaved gentleman has been dining as his buffet, if you catch my drift.

Doesn’t Work When: It will work, but if your partner is close to your family and friends it’s likely that they will spread word of your deeds and everyone will think you’re a total asshole for a month or two. Beware of that.

Option 3: Build-A-Break-Up-Bear
By now, everyone is probably familiar with Build-A-Bear stores and their products, but I’ll give you a quick summary. Build-A-Bear is a place to assemble your own teddy bear to give to someone. You pick out its look, its stuffing, its clothes; you even can record a message on it to play when someone squeezes one of the bear’s paws. All you need to do is record your parting message and give it to the one you loathe. Hopefully the sweet thoughtfulness and cuteness of the bear will counter the sour message delivered through the cheap and terribly muffled speaker that’s telling them it’s time to see other people.

Doesn’t Work When: Your less-than-better half is deaf, but works twice as well when your partner has a deep rooted fear of bears – stuffed, or real.

Option 4: Counter Commitment
If your relationship is new, suggest it’s time to get married and have four dozen children together. If your relationship has been long, be sure to let them also know that you see no kids in your future and let them know that you don’t believe in marriage and that you were put on this earth for one thing: having sex – having sex with lots of people.

Doesn’t Work When: They actually share the same views. Rare, but it does happen.

Option 5: Electronic Billboard At The Baseball Game
Let the world know that you aren’t meant for each other, your lover’s feet stink, they’re always late, they’re terrible in bed, and that they whistle when they talk sometimes on the world largest LCD television, the good old JUMBO-TRON 5000! Quick, easy, and only costs about $40 to have your message displayed. Plus, if you went to the sporting event with your friends, it will save you the hassle of having to describe why you two broke up over and over again.

Doesn’t Work When: Your main-squeeze is blind, can’t read, or happens to be in the bathroom when your message is displayed. This one takes some planning, but sure to leave a lasting impression.

You might want to print this out and keep it with you in case of emergencies.

Good luck out there.

Waging War Against Normalcy

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-One time, I wished upon a star that the star would actually fall from the sky and hit my archenemy in the face.

-”Not to invent yourself is to be false. To follow preordained rules is a profound betrayal of what it means to be human.” – David Starkey

-Showers killed my fun of playing with toys in the bathtub. Now, getting old and being sponged by a hot nurse is the only thing about bathing I can look forward to.

-Did you know that if you sniff a lot of petrol and then get tasered by the police, you can actually burst into flames? Happened to this guy: [Article source: http://uk.news.yahoo.com/5/20090721/twl-tasered-petrol-sniffer-bursts-into-f-3fd0ae9.html ]

-I finished writing my first script this week. It’ll be the first movie with both a musical dance number and a musical sex number.

-A troop of Girl Scouts selling cookie boxes full of drugs would be a really good cover-up for a home delivery service of illicit substances.

-Apparently humans have been killing each other in Iraq for the past 50,000-75,000 years. Newly examined evidence shows that a modern human stabbed a Neanderthal with a spear like object. Survival of the fittest through murder is still evolution. Although I’d like to think that we became the dominate Homo sapiens through means other than just killing, turning on the news today shows that things haven’t changed much. [Article source: http://www.livescience.com/history/090721-neanderthal-murder.html ]

-Candlelight dinners didn’t become romantic until after electricity was invented.

-If you like to hear nothing but bad news, perhaps a profession as a 9-1-1 operator is in your future.

-Everyone has a few stains on their character, but unfortunately I’ve dated a few people that could benefit from an Oxy Clean bath and maybe even drinking a few cups of bleach.

-What do you think happens when you overdose on vitamin C? Does your immune system become so strong that it rejects yourself and you slowly turn inside out or do you think you just turn into an orange?

-For just a few extra dollars, instead of hiring a maid to clean your house you can hire a maid to clean your house while wearing lingerie.

-Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.

Uix Mt Ip

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-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.

-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.

-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.

-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”

-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.

-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.

-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.

-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.

-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.

-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.

-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.

-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.

-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.

-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?

-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.

-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.

To See Like Your Eyes Do

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-I sold my soul to a pawn shop for a fake Rolex watch, a 20″ television, and an old acoustic guitar.

-I must not be American. Fuck baseball, fornication is my favorite pastime.

-If I was in your shoes, my feet would be pretty uncomfortable.

-”You’re about as helpful as a scented candle in a used diaper recycling factory.”

-In Boy Scouts, I think you get a badge for being molested by your Scout Leader and not telling your parents about it.

-This weekend I start filming my new documentary style series. It’s called Grannies Gone Wild, should be pretty awesome.

-Is the Vice President’s wife called the second lady? Or do we stop numbering them after the first? If so, why even bother numbering them in the first place?

-I don’t believe in reincarnating into an animal because I’d like to hope that I won’t come back to this little blue marble as a cow meandering around through life just to be slaughtered and turned into a couple dozen Big Mac burgers. And I don’t believe in reincarnating as an object because I’d like not to come back as a bottle of personal lubricant. I’d rather just die and stay dead thank you very much.

-I’m a failed romantic. I had a really big crush on this girl for the longest time and things were going steady until I hired a tuba player to serenade her late one school night. After that, she wouldn’t return any of my phone calls.

-I like to be different, so I always eat my popsicles from the stick end first.

-What triggers inside the brain that makes you say to yourself “I want to be a monk! I want to wear pajamas all day long and hum to myself all the time.”

-Do not run while holding scissors or while carrying an angry anaconda.

-”Just because you caught me with my pants down doesn’t mean you have to slam my dick in the door.”

-What does the Tooth Fairy do with all of those teeth? Does she use them as bricks to build an enormous castle? Does she melt them down and turn them into fine jewelry? Come on. Why the fuck would anyone want all those teeth? If you’re going to make a fable, at least have the story flushed out to add some plausibility.

-You can’t learn to love until you learn to lose.