Tag Archives: sex

Switch Off Your Autopilot

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-I haven’t been able to gauge which one is better after a night of partying; waking up naked, or waking up fully clothed in what I wore the night before.

-I love a good story about people wasting their lives searching for the fountain of youth. So much irony.

-Why did Yankee Doodle name the feather in his hat Macaroni? Who names feathers in their hat anyway? This shit keeps me awake at night.

-You can wear a sports jersey if: (1) you actually play the damn sport, (2) you are at the actual sporting event, (3) you are sleeping with the athlete whose name is on the jersey. If you are not meeting the requirements of (1) or (2), then (3) will be assumed.

-“I miss you as much as I miss the toilet when I’m drunk.”

-Even if you eat Cheetos with a knife and fork, you will still somehow have orange crumbs on all of your fingertips. Even if you eat Cheetos while wearing a fully enclosed biological suit you will still get orange crumbs on your fingertips, that shit is inescapable.

-Zombies hate nothing more than a boarded up entryway.

-On slow afternoons I memorize the words to porno movies.

-Earlier this week I had a day where it seemed everything I touched, I broke. I was too terrified to use the restroom.

-One does not dabble in the friend zone. Foot, thigh, waist, shoulders, head; the friend zone swallows you whole.

-“Why are you dressed like a pirate? Halloween isn’t for months.”
“It’s laundry day.”
“But you had to wear the eye patch?”
“It completes the outfit!”

-No one wants to go down on their significant other and feel like they’re talking to ZZ Top.

-As a man, I can confidently inform the female population that getting sex tips from Cosmopolitan magazine is a terrible idea. Those articles are not typically written by heterosexual males, so the validity of the information is highly questionable and subject to great bias. You’d be better off asking a nun what men like in the bedroom.

Hackneyed

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-There are plenty of fish in the sea. Unfortunately, I don’t date fish.

-If  we could regenerate lost limbs, cutting off your own leg with a table knife wouldn’t be a bad way to get out of going to work for a couple days.

-”So, Mrs. Peacock, you weren’t the least bit suspicious when Mr. White asked you to bring a wrench and a candlestick with you to the kitchen?”

-Simon says, shut the fuck up!

-Monday through Thursday you can consider me clinically deceased. I live for the weekends, explicitly, for the weekends.

-The only justice I’ve seen in the world in the past several years was when Britney Spears lost custody of her kids. Oh, and that one woman who was sentenced eight years in prison for cutting off her boyfriend’s dick with a kitchen knife.

-I want my first child to be born in one of those giant ball pits on Chuck-E-Cheese. That’s how I’d want to come into this world.

-Carpet burns never tell the whole story.

-The person you love more than anything on this planet is nearly 70% water.

-When you tell someone they have something on their face, they will always wipe the wrong side first. I just play along and tell them they got it. 

-When you receive a compliment, be ready for the request of a favor in the sentences to follow. “Man, that hat looks great on you!… Can I borrow a kidney next weekend?”

-Due to the increase of school shootings, if you browse the internet a little you can find backpacks that come with bulletproof Kevlar lining. Kind of sad, huh?

-The more popular you are, the less privacy you have. Now thanks to Facebook, you can be a broke, jobless, jerk-off, and abandon your privacy all together without even having to be in a single teenage vampire movie!

-Why is it okay to say “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.” but people give you weird looks when you say “I’m so hungry I could eat my neighbors and probably even their annoying little dog.”

-Opinions matter because facts don’t change.

-If a girl makes you wear a condom, you probably didn’t need one. If a girl doesn’t make you wear a condom, you probably should have worn three.

Pass Through The In-Between

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-I had a dream that I was crowd-surfing at a huge rock concert… naked.

-Would you rather be cut in half slowly by a sharp object or quickly by a blunt object? I know, you’d rather not be in cut in half, but suppose you had to pick one.

-You only have to do one cock push-up.

-Firecrackers are by far the most entertaining way to lose one of your digits.

-Time travel is only possible after having several mixed drinks. You will be able to skip several hours of the night, but then you will spend nearly a week trying to figure out what happened while you were caught in the space/time continuum.

-Without the weapons, armies would just be terrible fashion trends literally sweeping across a nation.

-Introducing food into a romantic evening can be interesting, but a honey basted turkey and an entire pan of cornbread is taking things a little too far. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I suggest you at least wait until the family leaves the dinner table.

-I bet the nation suicide rate would drop dramatically if you had to include a works cited page with your suicide note.

-The day I perfect my longhand will likely be the day I die.

-Don’t blame the elephants when they go on a rampage during a circus. After all of those years being forced to sit on that little round stool and eat stale peanuts I’d want to step on some necks too. Same goes for the motorcycle riding bears and the tigers that jump through rings of fire.

-You can’t run from your problems, especially when your problem is a treadmill.

-I have a great cheesy superhero name just itching to become a monthly comic: Max Douche. He has the ability to one-up anything you say and is always dating obnoxious bitches. Under his cape he has a holster to hold his cheap cologne, a pack of condoms, a bottle opener and a pack of ping pong balls for beer pong.

-If I owned a magic flying school bus, the last thing I would do would go on adventures with the intent to learn.

-I’ve given out all of my advice, so now that I need help there’s nothing to turn to.

-Life is game; a shitty one. It is full of liars and cheaters who will steal your paper money and skip two spaces as soon as you aren’t looking. I’m watching you Top Hat!

Black And White And Read All Over

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-Love is in the air, I can feel it filling my nostrils and I think it’s going to make me vomit.

-Playing with fire is a good way to get burnt. Playing with donuts is a good way to get delicious.

-Before I die, I want to say “Geez Louise!” to someone actually named Louise.

-I don’t play the lotto because my lucky number is 0.00045682. Last I checked, on lotto tickets you have to pick whole numbers. Fuck that.

-The McDonald’s premium chicken meals are actually just regular chicken meals. The chicken just appears “premium” in comparison to their regular it’s-only-one-day-past-expiration-and-it’s-only-been-dropped-on-the-floor-twice chicken.

-It’s a bad sign of the times when you go to class and your teacher is more drunk than you are.

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the first scientist to realize and test what Viagra would do.

-If someone could somehow combine zombies, pirates, and ninjas into one movie, they could probably create the best movie of all time for infinity and forever.

-I’ve got a really great idea for a product, but I hesitate to share it because I really believe it could net me millions of dollars. Anyways, here it goes: edible underwear made out of nicotine gum for people who are trying to quit smoking. The tagline for the product will be “When you just have to quit, but you don’t want to stop.”

-It’s wishful thinking to believe that after years of marriage every day will be “hump day” like when you were just dating.

-In the future we’ll have brown seas, green skies, and dead grass. I suppose that’s something to look forward to.

-”The Interstate highway system has made it possible to go from sea to shining sea without seeing anything.” – Charles Kuralt

-If somehow, you and I were stranded in the middle of the ocean on a row boat, I’d probably let you do the rowing. That is, until delirium sets in and you start to look like a big juicy hamburger.

-IMAX is short for Image Maximum… Not very special, huh?

-”The empty box holds an almost infinite number of treasures.”

Feast On Sympathy

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-Do you think bugs get upset tummies?

-When I get really upset with someone I close my eyes and start taking long deep breaths until A) I blow them off into the sky, or B) until they think I’m going into labor and just go away.

-I don’t think I could ever bring myself to start dating a girl who is living with seven dwarfs.

-I enjoy crossing out days on my calendar so much that I usually cross out four or five days at a time. It sure would suck if I died before I actually made it through all of those days. I’d hate for my ghost to have to come back and perpetually live out those days I marked out but never actually made it through.

-Have you ever sat and thought to yourself “I’d probably have more fun watching an overly in depth documentary on the digestive system than doing what I’m doing right now.”?

-If the enjoyment you extract does not exceed the effort you input then it’s time to move on.

-Intergalactic Douchebag – A person who has surpassed the rank of jerk and asshole but has not yet reached the rank fucker or motherfucker and has previously travelled in space.

-The original ending to Beauty And The Beast was Belle being mauled to death, but Disney figured they should go with something more wholesome, like “Happily ever after…” or some crap.

-I’ve seen chickens do a lot in my day, but never once have I seen one do The Chicken Dance.

-It takes a special kind of person to defecate in public and it takes a special person to have sex in public, but it takes a remarkably special type of person to defecate on someone having sex in public. Thanks to the internet you can all be suckered into watching videos of these “special” people doing what they do best.

-We’re all simple creatures that just want a place for our belongings, hot meals, and the occasional heavy make-out session during a movie.

-There isn’t really much of a difference between a scheme and a plan. A scheme just sounds more cunning, while a plan sounds more official.

-Brunettes are double the trouble but blondes are only half the fun.

-The easiest way to survive a Monday: call in.

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.

Go Funk Yourself

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-In a perfect world, no statement would start with those first four words.

-I don’t mind singing in the shower, but when I get out the crowd always demands an encore and then I’m forced to continue singing while I try to brush my teeth.

-The best part about getting older is that you get to start more stories with “Back in my day…” and “When I was your age…”.

-Unlucky is having sex once, wearing a condom, and still becoming a father of triplets.

-Ambition tells you to not go to bed until your job is finished. Laziness tells you to do your work in the morning after you get some sleep.

-Unbearably embarrassing moments: Be a lead man carrying a casket at a funeral, but due to an untied shoelace you trip. As the casket is falling to the ground, the deceased flies from it and lands in the grave face down.

-The only thing more relaxing than chair shopping is bed shopping.

-Everyone seems surprised that celebrities die, as if they were ever something more than just human. Although their deaths are tragic, the media translates it as if it is the end of times.

-There’s nothing wrong with adding some color to your wardrobe, but fuck, some people look like they threw a box of crayons and a rainbow into a blender and doused themselves with whatever came of it!

-I like to hang out with people larger than me, that way if we’re captured by a tribe of cannibals my chances of being eaten drastically decrease.

-There needs to be a circle state. I think right in the middle of Missouri would be a good spot. Spot, that’s what we’ll name the new state too! The capitol city will be named Dot.

-I think the next Saw movie should have a guy trapped with his junk inside a toaster and the only way he can escape the room is if he makes and eats an entire box of Eggo Waffles.

-The electric carts at department stores are for handicapped people, not for people over 400lbs who don’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the store for a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese puffs.

-An optimist will tell you that things can’t get any worse while a pessimist will tell you it can’t get any better.

Until The Bitter End

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-Prostitutes don’t give a fuck – they sell fucks.

-Foosball is a tasteful blend of soccer and shish kabobs.

-There are probably nude pictures of Rosie O’Donnell on the internet somewhere, but no one dares search for them.

-There is no greater reason than the generic mother’s response of “Because I said so.”

-When I’m bored on a rainy afternoon I head to the local museum and I name the untitled pieces.

-Over the past few years, religious allocation has been on a steady decline. You know that times are tough when even invisible people in the sky granting wishes aren’t doing well on public opinion polls.

-To my knowledge, the quickest way to lose 5-10 pounds is still to get an amputation.

-I’d never wish harm upon anyone, but there are a few I’d like to see struggle through some difficulty.

-There are times in life when you have to become your inner monster in order to cope with reality. Unfortunately for me, my inner monster is Barbara Streisand. So a few times a year I sing show tunes and reenact scenes from Hello Dolly.

-Pro Tip: If you fall asleep while masturbating, it should be pretty obvious that you’re terrible in bed.

-If you’re looking for a stable economic position in your love life let me give you this advice; you can date the supermodel but it’d be wise to marry an accountant.

-Count the number of letters in all of your friend’s names and then be sure to stay the hell away from the ones with thirteen letters. Why? Well, the serial killers Jack The Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy, Albert de Salvo, Harvey Glatman, Herman Mudgett, Herbert Mullin, Daniel Rolling, Lucian Staniak, Peter Sutcliffe, and Wayne Williams all have 13 letters in their names.

-If you want to be heard, sometimes you just literally have to scream about something.

-I do not possess great responsibility. If I had a great power like x-ray vision I most certainly would use it for inappropriate purposes for at least the first week or so.

-If you find yourself naked in a strange room with your hands tied and your mouth covered by tape either you better know the safety word or else you better hope your family pays the ransom.

Little Things In Big Packages

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-Sex is like any other physically laborious activity; it’s better if you put your back into it.

-Reading the back of packaging is always a source for some interesting facts. Take for example sunblock; one ingredient you’ll find in all of the top dollar stuff is hippo sweat. That’s right, hippo sweat. After some internet browsing I also figured out that it makes for a decent insect repellant as well.

-If you’re tickling a gorilla, then you’re definitely looking for trouble.

-The first public anti-smoking campaign was launched by the Nazis, and it’s been going great ever since.

-If you repeatedly dial the wrong number more than three times in a single hour, then, congratulations, you’re eligible for execution behind the tool shed! It sucks having a cell phone number that’s only a digit off from a Chinese restaurant telephone number.

-It was once commonly believed that having alcohol in your bloodstream made it likely for you to suddenly burst into flames and be burnt alive. If that was true, I would have turned into a running, screaming, Tiki torch a long time ago.

-It’s a good thing that there isn’t a naming system for children like there is for most online services. Sure would suck to be XxBillxX2285 or D1xiCutie2010.

-The true story about the Ugly Duckling got cut short. After he grew up into a swan [which is kind of magical since he was born as a fucking duck, but whatever] he started drinking heavily and doing lots of blow, started sleeping with loose female birds, even hens I hear, and was finally did in by being struck by a golf ball at a local golf course. He’s said to be buried just off the putting green on hole number eight.

-If your marriage has lasted longer than the wedding cake, then you’re off to a good start. Don’t mess it up now.

-If someone mentions to you that love comes in all shapes in sizes then they’re just trying to hint that maybe you should try to date heftier people… or midgets.

-Most people stop collecting and displaying stuffed animals once they discover that they can be posed in amusing and awkward sexual positions.

-If you’re in a relationship, no question will proceed more fights and arguments than “Where have you been?”

-”You’re only here for a short visit. Don’t hurry. Don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.” – Walter C. Hagen

-I sure could go for a snow cone right about now.