Tag Archives: sex

So Happy It Hurts

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-People will never live on the moon because then they couldn’t have a pool in their backyard.

-Even if I fell into a vat of radioactive ooze, with my luck, I’d probably come out with lame superhuman powers like the ability to talk to fruits and vegetables or the uncanny ability to seduce hats.

-I’m happy to say that as I’ve gotten older the number of embarrassing caught-with-my-fly-down incidents have steadily decreased.

-Layaway – new slang for someone you keep in touch with for sexual favors but otherwise have a very limited relationship with.

-Whistling at ladies who pass by is so last century, it’s time to advance as a culture and just moan suggestively at them instead.

-I entered a pretty interesting debate over whether man invented the wheel first or discovered fire first. I was eager to throw in my two cents and let them both know that man’s first great invention was the nudie magazine.

-I have a great tolerance for dealing with angry people. It’s a lost art that comes to fruition when working with the general public.

-Nothing says you care like a $4 greeting card generated by a computer and underpaid graphic designers who possibly can’t even read the language that the card is printed in. It’s straight from the heart, let me tell you.

-It would have been really easy to be a medicine man back in the times of tribes. “Eat this pinecone and call me in the morning.” Basically your whole profession is just getting people to eat random things and then see what happens to them afterward.

-You can have a kid and you can adopt a kid, but why can’t you rent a kid?

-Some people just need to be violently beaten by the grammar police.

-I dated a blonde once, but she went out of style faster than a pair of “skorts”; you know, those skirt-fronted shorts that girls fashioned in the late 90s.

-The expression “15 minutes of fame” is actually a gross exaggeration and your moment of fame really only lasts for a good 5-10 seconds.

Schnozberries

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-Bazooka Gum sounded awesome, then I realized there wasn’t a bazooka inside the package, nor was it shot into my mouth by a bazooka… In fact, there isn’t a bazooka involved in any way, whatsoever.

-All art is concept art; otherwise it’s just a photograph.

-Love is a beautiful thing when you’re actually in love. When you’re not in love, it’s rather annoying and aggravating.

-Body shots – because the first round of drinks is on me, literally.

-The most honest motivational poster would say something like “If you are reading this in an office environment, then it’s time to find another job.”

-Thanks to the internet, I’ve seen things I never thought I would, things I never wanted to see, and things I will never forget I saw, no matter how hard I try.

-Parenting – Not everyone can do it and no one is ready for it.

-A great man once said, “Pull my finger.” and a lesser, and quickly regretful, other man actually did.

-If we could somehow get everyone to care about holes in the ozone as much as they care about holes in their underwear, the world would be a much better place.

-Despite the rumors and speculation, I’m relatively certain that there is no such thing as “mourning sex”, so don’t worry about picking up a box of party ponchos before a funeral.

-Here’s a creative way to lose your limbs: play Red Rover, Red Rover with the Transformers.

-The hopes of a stripper leaping from a birthday cake quickly diminish with each piece of cake you cut to serve.

-If the point in time ever comes when we all get to own our own robots, I’m going to name mine Rusty Balls.

-Laughter is the best medicine. Side effects may include sore sides, burning cheeks, and wetting of the trousers. If you experience laughter lasting more than 4 hours consult a physician immediately because this may be a sign of delirium. Ask your doctor if laughter is right for you.

I Cannot Find My Other Half

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-Welcome to the unofficial national wiener roasting day. Lest we forget that today is actually the day to honor the roughly 668,268 men and women who have died in combat defending this country.

-I’m so good at calling in to work that I convinced my employer that my grandmother passed away last week and I was able to skip more work when I told them this week that she was resuscitated and needed me to help her move into her new condominium.

-If Crayons tasted as delicious as they look, everyone would be an art major.

-I wish I was a celebrity; everyone would know my name, I could buy whatever I wanted, everyone would want to take a picture with me, and I could occasionally get away with murder.

-New slang: Organ donor – Refers to any male or female who has sex frequently, donating their reproductive organs to others.

-Back in my day, you actually had to turn the pencil inside the sharpener to sharpen it.

-It’s a personal rule of mine to never get intimately involved with a girl described as “loosey-goosey”. I recommend you adopt it as a rule yourself.

-I learned this weekend that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

-Happy endings only exist in massage parlors and fairy tales.

-In these tough economic times, it wouldn’t surprise me if the leader of a large occult was sued for using the Kool-Aid brand without the proper copyright permission.

-Anytime you’re watching a thriller movie, during the opening credits, the actor whose name comes right after the main character is usually the killer.

-Unfortunately, I only have enough extremities to count to 21.

-”Time heals all wounds” is a polite way of saying “This shit won’t matter in a month so I’d rather not waste my time giving you any suggestions on how to get over it because I know you’re just going to ignore my advice and do whatever the fuck you want anyway… You cunt.”

-Plan-A never works, Plan-B almost never works, and no one ever has a Plan-C until Plan-B fucks up terribly.

-Pro-Tip: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck. It’s probably a damn duck.

-Have you ever stopped all of a sudden and thought to yourself “Where the hell am I and why am I naked?” Happens to me at least once every day it seems.

-She’s the misfortune to all of my luck.

Nothing Else I’d Rather Do

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-There are about 640 muscles in the human body, never in my life have all of them been having a good time at the same time.

-Have you ever seen some really bad or crazy haircut and thought to yourself “Man, they must have fallen down a flight of stairs with a pair of scissors in one hand and a weed whacker in the other.”?

-If I could go back and do it all again, I’d a hire a midget to stay in my backpack and do all of my school work for me.

-Making out is really cool until you lose your virginity, then it’s just another tedious step in the process of getting to what you’re really after: which is love, true everlasting love, of course. What did you think I meant?

-Every time I throw coins into a wishing well I make the same wish. I always wish that I had more coins to throw into it.

-”Sexting” is the hottest new trend for paying ridiculous phone prices to get a little bit of excitement. Nothing gives that feeling of a sexy private moment like anonymous and heavily abbreviated text messages sent every few minutes. “I’m going to rub your…” [two minutes and $0.99 later] “…back to relax you. Then I’ll take off my…” [two more minutes and another $0.99] “…fur coat because it sure is hot.” Perhaps this is the real reason why our economy is in the shitter. Poor money management.

-My finals are finally over, finally. So this weekend I’m going to drink until I develop methyphobia (a fear of alcohol).

-If someone asks you the hypothetical question about being stranded on an island and only being able to bring one thing and you answer anything other than an airplane or a boat, you’re stupid.

-Are you open-minded? [video link: http://www.dailymotion.com/user/totocacapouet/video/x8uei4_openmindedness_tech ]

-”My heart belongs to you, but my cock is community property.” – Steel Panther

-It’s impossible to sound stern or serious while saying “Okie-dokie!”

-Having an antidepressant addiction is the happiest bad habit you could possibly have.

-Today is International Bra Free Day. I’ll give you ladies a minute to unclasp and get comfy… Okay, now take a picture and send it to me it just might reduce your chances of breast cancer. Well, not the sending the picture part, but the freeing of the breastesses has proven to be better for your health.

-When you can’t say anything nice shut the fuck up, please.

So Indecisive It Hurts

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-There’s only about 29,000 mornings in the average person’s lifetime. I’ve decided to watch as many sunrises as I can until my time is up.

-ShamWow? More like ScamWow!

-”A series of sketches built around subjects like masturbation, defecation, alienation, urination, necrophilia, voyeurism, casual brutality, and mockery of the unfortunate.” Sounds like a summary of a pretty decent summer comedy right? Well it’s actually a quote from The New York Times in regards to The Underground Comedy. The movie was written and directed by non other than the ShamWow guy, Vince Shlomi [who often goes by Vince Offer]. The New York Post summed the movie up as “Maybe the least amusing comedy ever made.”

-Thanks to the magic of YouTube, you can now enjoy Japanese workout videos complete with translation mistakes! [video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mIaTOVLNgzU ]

-It’s a whole different meaning when porn directors get their creative juices flowing.

-My favorite kinds of scientists are the mad crazy ones.

-I saw a few husbands buying condoms on Mother’s Day. I’d say that’s just wishful thinking. Buying condoms is something you should be worrying about for Father’s Day instead.

-Their called blue balls not because of the pressure they’re under, but because they’re sad they never got to perform their one purposeful duty.

-You know you woke up way too early when the infomercials are still on repeat and the cartoons haven’t even started yet.

-”It was just a rhetorical question.”
“Good, I was about to stick that question right up your rhetorical!”

-Retirement must be very peaceful for boxers. They can finally rest assured that they’ll never have to beat another guy’s face in.

-What do you do when you’re the most powerful person in the world? Whatever the fuck you want, that’s the point.

-I don’t understand why anyone would want to go back to their high school years. Puberty was a cruel, violent, and torturous thing. Why the hell would anyone want to repeat that?

-That’s it until tomorrow. If you need me I’ll be at the corner of 8th and Jamison working hard for very little.

All Over It Like A Wet Sweater

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-My birthday wish this year will be for a fire breathing unicorn. Wish me luck!

-You know the expression “April showers bring May flowers”? Well here in Houston, Texas we’ve been behind most of April, so to meet our quota we are getting all of April’s showers in the form of 4 days of torrential downpour.

-It’s not polite to point, so I gawk instead.

-One of the reasons why you yawn is because you need to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. So when you yawn, the pressure change outside of your eardrums unbalances other people’s eardrum pressures so they must yawn also to even it out. That, ladies and gentlemen, is why yawns are contagious.

-Even if you aren’t a fan of Tool, I suggest you watch this video demonstrating the Fibonacci number sequence in Tool’s “Lateralus”. It’s very interesting and if not only pure coincidence: genius. [Video source: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS7CZIJVxFY&fmt=18 ]

-Despite how disgusting it sounds, cheese in an aerosol can was a really great idea.

-When one door is locked, hope that a window was left open. That’s the burglar’s version of the similar motto.

-Clarissa Explains It All was a good damn show. I don’t care what anyone else thinks.

-On Tuesday the Senate unanimously passed a bill that would make it a third degree felony for anyone to have sex with an animal in Florida. That’s a step forward, rest assured everyone.

-When working on our homework together, my ex asked me what the capitol of Paris was. I told her she reminds me of a lava lamp; fun to look at, but not very bright. She never let me live it down.

-The first publicized robot attack and it’s a whopping two years after the fact. A worker was performing maintenance on a robot designed to lift heavy rocks when the robot suddenly came to life then picked up and nearly chocked the worker to death. The worker managed to escape its grasp but suffered four broken ribs among other serious injuries. [Source article: http://www.thelocal.se/19120.html ]

-Pro Tip: If there is a zipper going down your butt crack your pants are probably on backwards.

-Before any night of partying, I seclude myself in a quiet room and evaluate my goals for the evening: I will not spend more than the cash I have in my wallet, I will not make a fool of myself, I will not get thrown up on, I will not throw up on others. Then I put on my tuxedo shirt and flip flops and head out on the town.

The Dichotomy

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-Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

-If there was a position at Hooters to be their official motor-boater, I’d already work there and I’d pay them to let me do it.

-If you’re upset that your favorite band got popular and “sold out” then you shouldn’t have bought their CD, you shouldn’t have gone to their concert, you shouldn’t have told your friends about them, you shouldn’t have blared their music in your car with the windows down, you shouldn’t have added them as friends on MySpace, you shouldn’t have wore their t-shirts, you shouldn’t have hung their poster on your wall, or put that sticker on your bumper, or left a review of them on Amazon, but you did. Now you’ve got to make a choice: continue listening to a band that is trying to speak to millions or find a new band that’s only singing to a dozen attendees at a time. Support your local music.

-Pro tip: If your straw has more than two holes in it, it’s broken. If your straw has less than two holes, it’s not a straw.

-I didn’t celebrate 4/20 this year, but I did celebrate 4/11. I’m all about knowledge and information. That’s just how I roll motherfucker.

-By now a lot of people have heard of the sexual sense of the phrase “London Bridge” which is slang for when two guys stand at each end of a woman and engage in sexual acts while the woman is bent over. However, fewer people have heard about the similar act know on the streets as “Golden Gate Bridge” which involves more guys and more girls and introduces a little bit of urination. Disgusting, I know, but I’m here to keep you up-to-date on these things. It’s a dirty job.

-I bet that if we renamed “greenhouse gases” to “happy air” more people would care about the ozone (which would also need to be renamed to “the fun time zone”).

-Hang gliding is a great mix of words. “Hang”, usually associated with capital punishment and the abrupt death of a person, and “gliding”, a calm and smooth fall to the ground.

-You know some people I could live without? People who excessively click their pens while in otherwise quiet situations.

-I bet you $10 that Gumby’s poop was green.

-This nation would be a happier place if we had more monster truck rallies.

-Mother’s Day is one of my favorite holidays of the year. It’s my only solid excuse to play with macaroni and gold spray paint.

Shimmy, Shimmy, Shake

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-Out with the old, in with the stupid.

-My weekly routine includes binge drinking and a little bit of crying.

-Wind chimes; one of mankind’s most annoying inventions, second only to alarm clocks.

-Trapped in a box is too easy, I want to see a mime pretend to be trapped in a giant hamster ball.

-I got a tattoo this weekend. It’s a tiny little squiggly on the side of my face. That way people can tell me “Hey, you got something on your face.” and I can rub the opposite side of my head so they have to tell me “No, no, other side.” Then they’ll demonstrate where it’s at and I can just keep rubbing the wrong spot until they get frustrated and lie to me and tell me that I got it and that it’s gone now. Then I can call them a liar. This will show me who my friends really are. Friends don’t let friends walk around with shit on their faces.

-I’m strongly opposed to young people driving while under the influence of terrible music.

-Now I’ve seen everything. This morning I saw a lady on a treadmill wearing fuzzy house slippers. It’s a bold way of saying, “I’m here to get in shape, but I’m still too lazy to tie any laces.”

-”No human thing is of serious importance.” – Plato

-Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalianism is the expression you use to say that a word is really, really long. Should be pretty easy to remember.

-If the bed isn’t squeaking you’re doing it wrong.

-Which would make for a better epitaph; a man mauled by one really huge cat or a man eaten by three dozen regular house cats?

-The best inventions are the ones you don’t appreciate until they’re not around.

-Green is a tricky color. There’s only a few shades difference between forest green and baby puke.

-Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing pictures of those people who put on way too much bronzer and now look like Oompa-Loompas.

-I had a dream that I woke up and went to work. Then, when I really did wake up, I went to work, thus turning my Sunday into the fourth worst day of my entire life.

-And lastly, some advice for the road: hanging out with assholes is a good way to smell like shit.