Tag Archives: shopping

As Serious As An Erection Problem

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Now that the turkey meat is out of my system and my brain has left the molasses state and returned to “normal”, I’m happy to be back and writing again.

-In my best estimates, I’d say that about half of the new dance crazes are derived from someone having a wild animal crawl up their pant leg.

-I’m a man of my word and that word is “wet-t-shirt-contest”.

-Someone needs to create a reality TV show where they lock a bunch of Twilight fans into a cave with live vampire bats and then let them get bitten and die of disease. Team Edward and Team Jacob that, bitches!

-”I look like a Bangkok hooker on a Sunday morning after the navy’s left town.” – The Matador

-In a small town there are only two barbers; one has a really bad haircut and the other has a really great haircut. Which barber should you let cut your hair?

-Alcohol isn’t the answer: alcohol is the question and “Yes!” is the answer!

-I had a nightmare that I was smothered to death by cleavage. Now that I think about it, I’d consider it more of a dream than a nightmare.

-I have a great holiday porn spoof idea: Randy The Red Donged Truck Driver. The climax will be him and eight of his friends in a scene with a really fat woman in a red dress.

-The guitarist, drummer, and bass player of my one man band were killed in a plane crash. I’ll have to trek on with just a singer and a kazooist now.

-I’d like to see the Care Bears and the Smurfs duke it out in a no holds barred fight to the death.

-Shopping at 9:30am on a weekday is a true test of patience, because at that time everyone over 65 years old who moves slower than a snail in a vat of glue is out shopping as well. They will damn sure all be writing checks to pay as well. If you’re lucky, they might not bump into you with their power scooter.

-I’m not the type of guy to get all soft and mushy. In fact, the only guy to get soft and mushy is one who gets put inside a microwave.

-I want a pet dinosaur for Christmas. I’ll feed him my enemies.

-Ignorance is not bliss.

I Can Hardly Contain It

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-Shopping for tampons was the third most embarrassing purchase I’ve ever made.

-I updated my last will and testament today. I requested that for my funeral I be cremated over ten George Foreman Grills and then packaged away inside a Space Bag.

-Einstein was an atheist. If atheism is good enough for that dummy, it’s good enough for me.

-I buy stacks of greeting cards in Spanish and give them to my English speaking friends. They’ll never know if the holidays even match up and I won’t have to spend an hour picking out “the perfect card for the occasion”.

-I’m a fan of horror movies. I love to see the twinkle in someone’s eye as their head rolls across the floor boards of an abandoned cabin.

-When someone requests “I want your honest opinion”, typically whatever follows is usually pretty far from honest.

-Your momma is so fit and intelligent I kinda want to be your stepfather.

-Today’s word of the day is cunnilingus. Repeat after me, cunn-i-ling-us. It’s what a boy does to a girl after she showers and typically only before they get married.

-Is it scadoodle or scadaddle?

-My goal is to put a smile on every person’s face – even if I have to walk around the streets and physically make them smile using my fingers.

-Getting someone a gift card for gasoline is a pleasant way of saying “I didn’t know what to get you, but I’d like for you to go away.”

-Being tall saves me roughly $57.84 annually on ladder purchases and the buying of stepstools.

-I’ve faked my death to avoid going to word twice for the same company.

-You’re not supposed to run with scissors, but skipping is okay.

-Love is a fire. Stomp it out quick before it spreads!

Debauchery

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-There is a fine line between pain and pleasure. That’s why it’s recommended that you use a safety word.

-When you’re a secret assassin, sent around the world to take out the toughest targets, you’re outfit is everything. A ninja wearing a sombrero is not a good combination.

-It happens all the time in sitcoms and Hollywood movies, but you know those parts where the character goes into a lingerie store and a really hot employee volunteers to model the bra and panties for them? That never happens in real life. I bet that even if it did, it’d be more likely at a place like Wal-Mart and the person volunteering is someone you wouldn’t want to see wearing anything less than a ski jacket, parachute pants, military boots and a paper bag over their head.

-When a safe is unlocked, it’s no longer a safe. Instead, it’s just a really fucking heavy box.

-I had a dream the other night that I was tied up to the flag pole in front of my school, wearing only a pair of sneakers. I knew it was a dream when I was only concerned about getting someone walking by to tie my shoe laces rather than to cut me down.

-I’ll tell you the real secret to a great night’s sleep, and it has nothing to do with specialty beds. It’s simply three beers, a martini, two Long Island Iced Teas, a Sex on the Beach, and an Irish Car Bomb topped off with a Vegas Bomb. Best sleep ever! Although the morning after has little to be desired.

-I’m sure we’ve all had an instance of a phantom cell phone ring. That’s when you could have sworn you heard your phone ring but upon checking your cellular device, no calls were missed.

-Did you know that Cheech Marin from Cheech And Chong fame has a children’s book about a bus driver that teaches a mariachi band to compete against rock and roll bands in a battle of the bands contest? There’s even an animated movie to go along with it. [Amazon product page: http://www.amazon.com/Cheech-School-Bus-Driver-Marin/dp/0061132012 ]

-Digging to China sounds like a good idea, but after you’ve been shoveling for a couple of hours you get real hungry and kind of sweaty, then the idea just seems silly.

-Despite previous speculation that Van Gogh was a genius and through his own personal torment chopped his own ear off, new evidence has surfaced, and the truth is that Van Gogh lost his ear in a brothel sword fight. I’d say it’s about time for a big budget Van Gogh biography flick.

-I like my music like I like my women – loud and obnoxious.