Tag Archives: slang

Thanks For The Venom

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-I’d like to see a lumberjack try to get aboard an airplane with a suitcase full of axes and a chainsaw as his carryon.

-Your success at living with scars isn’t determined by how well you conceal them, but by how proudly you display them, acknowledge them, and understand what you’ve learned from them.

-Someone needs to invent a machine that juggles jugglers.

-“The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.” –Jean Cocteau

-There’s slang a night owl and an early bird, but what about someone who is out in the afternoon? Perhaps “late rooster”? Or maybe “mid-day duckling”?

-I bet whichever Jack jumping-jacks were named after was a real obnoxious prick.

-If you’ve made the decision to drink all day then there’s no problem with starting early.

-I just came up with a great idea for a sequel: Old Yeller 2: Yeller’s Revenge… in 3D.

-Fun Fact: One sperm has 37.5MB worth of DNA information in it. A normal ejaculation represents a data transfer rate of 529GB per second.

-I’m Blame Game World Champion four years running now!

-If a baseball player hits a homerun, but dies before he can run around the bases, does the homerun still count?

-There are two situations I never want to be in: one is to be stuck on a two person bicycle with The Flash and the other is the situation we’re in right now.

-Guys with erectile dysfunction have mourning wood issues.

-I’ve been breaking hearts since before Pat Benatar made it cool.

I Double Dog Dare You

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-If I had a pet dragon, I’d host more barbeque parties.

-It’d be really hard to hide the evidence if you were having a romantic affair with a giant Cheeto puff.

-I’m going to get my nipples pierced and then gauged so that way I have a place to hang my keys when I don’t have any pockets.

-Trapper Keeper binders don’t do a very good job of catching cats that stray into your yard.

-A turtle, a sloth and a snail walk into a bar… Nevermind, this joke is going nowhere fast.

-Overly starched britches are the next best thing to wearing a cardboard box as pants.

-I doubt that the expression “silent but deadly” was ever used to describe anything but farts.

-”Hush Puppies” was a slang term for women’s breasts before it became a popular southern food item.

-My junior year, I had a classmate that really was old school – he sat in the back row of the class and carved the end of his pencil with a hunting knife. When he wanted to write with ink he’d have to set up his ink well and quill pen set.

-A good band name would be “Fine Tonal Quality”. Their first album can be called “Fine Music Arranged In A Meaningful Succession”.

-Have you ever felt like your liver is on fire, your kidneys are full of acid and it feels like all of your fingernails are being bent back slowly? Me neither, but it sounds like it would hurt.

-The world economy is so bad that even brothels are making cutbacks. For example, in Germany, many brothels have added an all-you-can-eat type sexual arrangement instead of the customer paying for hourly services. While that method is new, they have had other special offers to help increase business such as discounts for disabled patrons, and 10% if you ride a bicycle or take public transportation to the brothel. [Article source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/5922789/Recession-hit-brothels-offer-novel-promotions.html ]

-Picking out condoms and lube together as a couple isn’t romantic, even if it is by candlelight.

-Right now I’m recovering from a serious bubble gum flavored Pepto-Bismol addiction.

-Assume all strangers are assholes. You will be pleasantly surprised to find out that most of them turn out to just be jerks.

I Told You So

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-I’m filled with so much passion and desire that sometimes it feels like I’m actually on fire.

-The world needs more sprinkle toppings.

-Running into a bathroom and yelling “I’m going to blow this place up” is not the same as running into a post office and yelling the same thing.

-If you’re going to verbally dig yourself a hole, you might as well dig yourself an eloquent one.

-Your importance is justified by how many birthday cakes you have for one single birthday. This year I got two. I’m pretty sure that makes me second in importance only to the President.

-When you work a dead-end retail job, a girl coming into the store wearing a damp bikini is your holy grail.

-They should just give the weather forecasts as a percentage chance to hear someone else bitch about the weather. “There’s a 35% chance you’ll run into someone that’ll claim that its ‘hot as hell outside.’ With a slight chance of ‘we really need the rain.’”

-Kung Fudge – the art of eating sweet delights without anyone else finding out and/or possibly asking you for a piece.

-Wearing headphones in public is useful for two things: it lets the wearer drown out all of the stupid people around them and, for the non-headphone wearers, it identifies who all of the self-important pricks are.

-Holding a pie-eating contest is not a sound way to pick your future wife.

-All television shows should have a mandatory big dance number in every episode.

-Disney World, happiest place on earth? Not this week. A monorail crash early Sunday morning killed one of the train operators. Sixteen people have died in the park since 1989.

-I’m a new weight watchers diet. I get a part time job at a fast food joint and I watch all the customers get fatter.

-You know you’re popular in prison when you get an invitation to the Cell Block B annual slumber party.

-Turns out it was the butler, in the study, with the candlestick after all.

Protest The Way We Are Passive Today

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-I have to renew my license at the DMV today. Honestly, I’d rather knit turtleneck sweaters for a heard of giraffe.

-There needs to be a game show that drops contestants through trap doors in the floor when they get a question wrong. This show should also never reveal where the trap doors lead to. Everyone likes a good mystery.

-I’ve decided to take up smoking just so I have a reason to complain about the government some more.

-I know this has to have happened to someone else out there, but have you ever been scoping someone out from a distance and you think to yourself “Wow, they’re pretty hot.”, then as they get closer you realize it’s someone you know and you feel pretty embarrassed?

-Nothing says “I care about my body” like ordering extra chili fries with a large Diet Coke.

-If you’re ever about to pushed off a ledge to your death, try this one on your assailant: “I’m rubber, you’re glue, push me off this cliff and I’m just going to bounce back up here and hit you.”

-Pro Tip: If you got two humps and it cost you $100, you’re not a camel, you’re a John.

-Stealing underwear is the only true crime of passion.

-A lady eating an ice cream cone on a hot day is as equally magical as seeing a unicorn prance under a rainbow in a field of exotic flowers… on a Thursday.

-I hunt for jobs with a butterfly net and a bazooka.

-In my older age now, I’ve come to realize that I’m about as lucky as a man breaking mirrors under a ladder with a black cat on my head on Friday the thirteenth.

-I’ve never fought a bear before, but one time I did fight a man dressed in a bear suit.

-Here’s some new slang for you hipsters. Grinder – [in reference to a meat grinder] an individual aggressively seeking companionship to the extent that they treat the opposite sex like a simple piece of meat.

-Without gravity there would be no such thing as jugglers and the world be a little bit sadder of a place.

-I fucking hate Mondays.

I Cannot Find My Other Half

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-Welcome to the unofficial national wiener roasting day. Lest we forget that today is actually the day to honor the roughly 668,268 men and women who have died in combat defending this country.

-I’m so good at calling in to work that I convinced my employer that my grandmother passed away last week and I was able to skip more work when I told them this week that she was resuscitated and needed me to help her move into her new condominium.

-If Crayons tasted as delicious as they look, everyone would be an art major.

-I wish I was a celebrity; everyone would know my name, I could buy whatever I wanted, everyone would want to take a picture with me, and I could occasionally get away with murder.

-New slang: Organ donor – Refers to any male or female who has sex frequently, donating their reproductive organs to others.

-Back in my day, you actually had to turn the pencil inside the sharpener to sharpen it.

-It’s a personal rule of mine to never get intimately involved with a girl described as “loosey-goosey”. I recommend you adopt it as a rule yourself.

-I learned this weekend that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished.

-Happy endings only exist in massage parlors and fairy tales.

-In these tough economic times, it wouldn’t surprise me if the leader of a large occult was sued for using the Kool-Aid brand without the proper copyright permission.

-Anytime you’re watching a thriller movie, during the opening credits, the actor whose name comes right after the main character is usually the killer.

-Unfortunately, I only have enough extremities to count to 21.

-”Time heals all wounds” is a polite way of saying “This shit won’t matter in a month so I’d rather not waste my time giving you any suggestions on how to get over it because I know you’re just going to ignore my advice and do whatever the fuck you want anyway… You cunt.”

-Plan-A never works, Plan-B almost never works, and no one ever has a Plan-C until Plan-B fucks up terribly.

-Pro-Tip: If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, sounds like a duck. It’s probably a damn duck.

-Have you ever stopped all of a sudden and thought to yourself “Where the hell am I and why am I naked?” Happens to me at least once every day it seems.

-She’s the misfortune to all of my luck.

The Dichotomy

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-Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.

-If there was a position at Hooters to be their official motor-boater, I’d already work there and I’d pay them to let me do it.

-If you’re upset that your favorite band got popular and “sold out” then you shouldn’t have bought their CD, you shouldn’t have gone to their concert, you shouldn’t have told your friends about them, you shouldn’t have blared their music in your car with the windows down, you shouldn’t have added them as friends on MySpace, you shouldn’t have wore their t-shirts, you shouldn’t have hung their poster on your wall, or put that sticker on your bumper, or left a review of them on Amazon, but you did. Now you’ve got to make a choice: continue listening to a band that is trying to speak to millions or find a new band that’s only singing to a dozen attendees at a time. Support your local music.

-Pro tip: If your straw has more than two holes in it, it’s broken. If your straw has less than two holes, it’s not a straw.

-I didn’t celebrate 4/20 this year, but I did celebrate 4/11. I’m all about knowledge and information. That’s just how I roll motherfucker.

-By now a lot of people have heard of the sexual sense of the phrase “London Bridge” which is slang for when two guys stand at each end of a woman and engage in sexual acts while the woman is bent over. However, fewer people have heard about the similar act know on the streets as “Golden Gate Bridge” which involves more guys and more girls and introduces a little bit of urination. Disgusting, I know, but I’m here to keep you up-to-date on these things. It’s a dirty job.

-I bet that if we renamed “greenhouse gases” to “happy air” more people would care about the ozone (which would also need to be renamed to “the fun time zone”).

-Hang gliding is a great mix of words. “Hang”, usually associated with capital punishment and the abrupt death of a person, and “gliding”, a calm and smooth fall to the ground.

-You know some people I could live without? People who excessively click their pens while in otherwise quiet situations.

-I bet you $10 that Gumby’s poop was green.

-This nation would be a happier place if we had more monster truck rallies.

-Mother’s Day is one of my favorite holidays of the year. It’s my only solid excuse to play with macaroni and gold spray paint.