-Which color crayons do you think taste the best?
-If you have ever thought “Well, at least Valentine’s Day isn’t an expensive holiday.” you are a woman.
-As a personal rule to myself, I try to avoid people who treat me like an umbrella. The people who let you sit there, dormant in the corner, until they need you to block the shit falling on them from the sky. Then, and only then, are you two best friends.
-But I’m a sucker for a nice smile.
-eHarmony and Match.com are the internet’s version of writing “For a good time call…” on a bathroom stall. Can’t complain though, a dates a date.
-If I had to create a PowerPoint presentation for my own funeral, I’d never die.
-If I’m ever caught in the middle of some life threatening emergency or crisis, I’m going to turn to the nearest woman and hurriedly demand “Quick! Take off your bra! I have an idea on how to get us out of here!” And then we’ll just play it by ear from there.
-Overheard on the toy aisle or adult supply store:
“Should we get extra batteries in case she doesn’t get tired of playing with it?”
“I like that it lights up and makes noises, I don’t like that it’s small enough to swallow.”
“Poseable positions and karate chop action! This is amazing!”
“I’m not sure if this will fit in my ass.”
-The beginning of the year is always the hardest for me. I can never decide on what calendar to get and most times it takes me nearly 6 months to make a decision.
-I wish I could pick my own nickname. I’d be the Cuddle Monster.
- CSI coloring book. Someone make this.
-With every new social network I hate people more and more. Funny how that works.
-The only thing filthier than my mouth is my mind, so until they come up with Abraxo Brain Cleaner, you’re just going to have to deal with it.
-It’s always going to be sour grapes with you.