-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?
-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.
-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.
-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.
-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.
-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.
-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.
-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.
-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!
-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.
-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.
-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.
-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.
-Forever can be something to bleed for.