Tag Archives: spanish

I Can Hardly Contain It

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-Shopping for tampons was the third most embarrassing purchase I’ve ever made.

-I updated my last will and testament today. I requested that for my funeral I be cremated over ten George Foreman Grills and then packaged away inside a Space Bag.

-Einstein was an atheist. If atheism is good enough for that dummy, it’s good enough for me.

-I buy stacks of greeting cards in Spanish and give them to my English speaking friends. They’ll never know if the holidays even match up and I won’t have to spend an hour picking out “the perfect card for the occasion”.

-I’m a fan of horror movies. I love to see the twinkle in someone’s eye as their head rolls across the floor boards of an abandoned cabin.

-When someone requests “I want your honest opinion”, typically whatever follows is usually pretty far from honest.

-Your momma is so fit and intelligent I kinda want to be your stepfather.

-Today’s word of the day is cunnilingus. Repeat after me, cunn-i-ling-us. It’s what a boy does to a girl after she showers and typically only before they get married.

-Is it scadoodle or scadaddle?

-My goal is to put a smile on every person’s face – even if I have to walk around the streets and physically make them smile using my fingers.

-Getting someone a gift card for gasoline is a pleasant way of saying “I didn’t know what to get you, but I’d like for you to go away.”

-Being tall saves me roughly $57.84 annually on ladder purchases and the buying of stepstools.

-I’ve faked my death to avoid going to word twice for the same company.

-You’re not supposed to run with scissors, but skipping is okay.

-Love is a fire. Stomp it out quick before it spreads!

Super Obnoxious

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-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.

Deserters Will Be Shot

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-I have a beard, I make the rules.

-If you live along the southern border of the United States, I suggest you learn Spanish. It’s always a good idea to learn the language of your conquerors.

-The good thing about global warming is that maybe I’ll finally have a nice even tan. I don’t know about you, but once the temperature gets above 110 degrees I’m just going to stop wearing pants all together.

-I passed the Good Samaritan test this morning. While walking out to my car, there was a brand new Mercedes car with its door wide open. I looked around, didn’t see anybody nearby so I shut the car door. On my way out of the parking lot a police car stopped me and told me thanks for being so nice, but that they were waiting for someone to try to take the car or for someone to steal belongings from inside. Little did he know, I planned to come back with a big sack so I could more easily carry the sweet roller blades that were laying in the backseat and the two stray golf clubs that were lying on the floorboard. Good thing he blew his cover. That would have been really embarrassing.

-My favorite thing about James Bond flicks is the ridiculous names for the lead ladies. Could you imagine a girl actually having to suffer through public school with a name like Pussy Galore?

-I had a dream that I lived in a great and wonderful world made entirely of sand, then in that dream it started to rain and everything turned to mud and muck. It must have been a representation of my last relationship. Fucking whore, but I digress.

-I’m a very patient man. Yesterday I waited in line at the bank for 45 minutes just to get a pen.

-I wonder who came up with the idea that giving someone a bouquet of thorny, blood red flowers would be a good way to show their love for someone. I would have gone for something lighter in color that didn’t have a possibility of making someone bleed, but I guess that’s just me.

-I dated a model once. A plus size model, but still, doesn’t mean I can’t brag a little.

-Aren’t all drugs recreational drugs? Is there really anyone who takes drugs professionally?

-I’m a strong advocate of free speech. I started a 500 man petition to Wheel of Fortune to stop making people buy vowels.

-”In the backroom she’s everyone darling.”