Tag Archives: sponge

Running Marathons In Glass Shoes

Posted on by
Reply

-I’m a sponge full of smelly stale water and useless information.

-Every time I’m dreaming, just when it gets to the good part; right when I’m about to save the damsel in distress; the moment I’m about to solve the hangman puzzle; just as I’m about to pour the honey all over my naked body; right when I’m signing the contract on purchasing my first unicorn; my alarm goes off and wakes me up. Life isn’t fair.

-”Did you not just hear what I told you?”
“Sorry, I have my bullshit speech filter turned on. Give me a second… Okay, go ahead, what were you saying?”

-The Caps Lock key should be in all capitals, just to get the message across. The Insert key should be re-labeled to “Fucking hell! Did I push that one useless fucking button again?”

-Have you ever disliked someone so much that when you meet someone with the same name you cringe a little?

-My boss was telling me a story about her college life but I had to interrupt her to ask if her major was deflating hopes and dreams or if she just got a degree in distribution of duties.

-”I have seldom met an intelligent person whose views were not narrowed and distorted by religion.” – James Buchanan

-Every year, 150 people are killed by exercise equipment. Self-improvement that!

-Another interesting fact I found was that 900 women die annually during cunnilingus.

-Shaking hands with cactus plants and occasionally hugging a porcupine aren’t the only ways to find pricks; most of them are on television now and hold a seat in the government.

-When I grow up, I want to do something prestigious, like be in the Guinness Book of World Records for being able to eat the most hot dogs in an hour or something.

-Welcome to 191st day of the year. It will likely be just like the previous 190.

-The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off. So they’re pretty much just like humans.

-Success has enemies.

Delusions And Ponderings From The Timeout Corner

Posted on by
Reply

-The grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence. There aren’t any ant piles and it never has to be mowed either.

-Alien ray guns are much more humane than today’s modern guns. With a ray gun, you’re going to evaporate into a billion particles even if you get shot in the genitals. The same can’t be said for the latter.

-There probably isn’t anyone wishing another person a Happy Mother’s Day at an abortion clinic.

-I’m not out in the public very often. I’m more of the quiet romantic night at home kind of guys, but for the few hours I did spend out in the zoo that is society I noticed that today must be National Moo-Moo Day. I’ve never seen so many people sporting sleeved blankets in such a short amount of time. For a moment I thought I was trapped in the Snuggie’s commercial.

-I’m writing a survival guide for people who want to venture out into the wild. I don’t want to spoil too much, but Chapter 5 is about how to properly curl into a ball and cry hysterically until a rescue team arrives. Chapter 10 explains why hiding sausage in your overweight friend’s backpack is a good way to survive a bear attack, assuming of course, that you can run faster than you’re fat friend.

-If you had to be embarrassed by one or the other, would you rather be caught with your pants down or with a finger deep inside a nostril?

-They should have combined television shows and made Barney into a monster that the Power Rangers had to stop from destroying the world.

-Love is going to beat you up, drag you down, and give you everything you asked for.

-Without the discovery of caffeine and the widespread addiction to coffee, I don’t think that the industrial revolution would have ever happened.

-There’s nothing particularly great about men’s undergarments, but women’s panties, those things are magical. I’d argue they are more magical than a flying carpet. They have gotten me in more trouble and persuaded me to more bad things than any amount of peer pressure or large volume of alcohol ever has. Before I die, I’m going to create an ode to underwear. Whether it is in song form, a painting, or an epic odyssey, I will do it.

-I’ve been absorbing other people’s problems like a sponge since 1996. It’s time to find someone who can wring me out.

-Since it’s finals time, I’ll end this one with a study tip: Make a batch of margaritas to enjoy as you study. If you drink enough you’ll wake up with a headache, but that just means you studied hard. Knowledge hurts; anyone who tells you otherwise is stupid. Good luck!