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Confessions Of Two Busy Hands

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-I’ve only been wrong twice. Both instances were the biggest mistakes of my life.

-Heartburn sounds painful, but not nearly as painful as testicle-burn.

-Everyone collects stamps; I collect envelopes.

-”I enjoy your company as much as I enjoy bleeding from the head.” Gotta love the grandparents.

-I don’t help children. I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that any child crying in the corner is only there to lure me closer so he can slit my throat with a garden sheers.

-If I can go my entire life without being stabbed in the face by an olive fork, then I’d consider my life to be an accomplishment.

-The best way to get the opposite sex’s attention is to simply ignore them. Everyone enjoys attention. When he/she comes around then you can be yourself, make them laugh, and totally swoon them with your sweet Chewbacca tattoo, or showoff whatever shiny things you have to offer.

-I really hope that right now someone is out there making a new Christmas carol for this year. The old ones are getting pretty lame.

-Life is the last gift you’ll receive with no strings attached.

-It’s important to have friends because there are a lot of things you can’t do by yourself, like have an orgy.

-A creative block is like constipation of the mind. Unfortunately, they don’t make laxatives for it.

-If your butt isn’t numb, then you’re not meditating correctly.

-Video of the 2009 Pole Dancing Championship, you’re welcome. [Video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jBWNaJdzovI ]

-I’m signing up for yoga classes, but it has nothing to do with fitness. I’m just into foxy moms that can put their legs behind their head and enjoy passing the time by bouncing up and down on giant rubber balls.

-This is one of those days when I feel like I’m a candle burning at three different ends.

Schnozberries

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-Bazooka Gum sounded awesome, then I realized there wasn’t a bazooka inside the package, nor was it shot into my mouth by a bazooka… In fact, there isn’t a bazooka involved in any way, whatsoever.

-All art is concept art; otherwise it’s just a photograph.

-Love is a beautiful thing when you’re actually in love. When you’re not in love, it’s rather annoying and aggravating.

-Body shots – because the first round of drinks is on me, literally.

-The most honest motivational poster would say something like “If you are reading this in an office environment, then it’s time to find another job.”

-Thanks to the internet, I’ve seen things I never thought I would, things I never wanted to see, and things I will never forget I saw, no matter how hard I try.

-Parenting – Not everyone can do it and no one is ready for it.

-A great man once said, “Pull my finger.” and a lesser, and quickly regretful, other man actually did.

-If we could somehow get everyone to care about holes in the ozone as much as they care about holes in their underwear, the world would be a much better place.

-Despite the rumors and speculation, I’m relatively certain that there is no such thing as “mourning sex”, so don’t worry about picking up a box of party ponchos before a funeral.

-Here’s a creative way to lose your limbs: play Red Rover, Red Rover with the Transformers.

-The hopes of a stripper leaping from a birthday cake quickly diminish with each piece of cake you cut to serve.

-If the point in time ever comes when we all get to own our own robots, I’m going to name mine Rusty Balls.

-Laughter is the best medicine. Side effects may include sore sides, burning cheeks, and wetting of the trousers. If you experience laughter lasting more than 4 hours consult a physician immediately because this may be a sign of delirium. Ask your doctor if laughter is right for you.