Tag Archives: strippers

Undergarments On Your Cranium

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-If you can’t say anything nice, then at least have the decency to be vague.

-Right before I die, I want to go to my local library and rent every single encyclopedia, dictionary, or reference book for words starting with the letter S. Then when I pass away, I want to be buried with all of them.

-A Port-O-Potty Port-O-Pole-Dancer would be a great idea.

-There’s no better way to start the day than with a big cup of hot, all natural Brazilian blended smooth roast coffee being dumped all over your lap.

-I’d blow myself up for 72 virgins. I’ve done dumber things for girls in the past.

-I don’t like to brag about my popularity, but I’m universally renowned as That Guy Over There in most social circles.

- It’s just simple logic; the larger your shoes, the more likely you are to step in dog shit.

-Due to the speed limits being eliminated, gondola accident fatalities in Venice are up 200% this year.

-D’s are like B’s without a belt on.

-I’d be willing to bet that most astronomers fell into the profession after their neighbors learned to keep their blinds closed.

-They’ve already installed the stairway, but I’m starting a petition to install a handicap ramp to heaven.

-A friend and I were nearly in a car accident this week. Not the head-on-collision type, more like the too-many-bottles-of-water-and-no-gas-station-to-stop-at type.

-When I’m running late in the mornings, I iron my clothes in the car on the way to work. It’s tricky, I got burnt a few times, but after some practice, it’s not too bad.

-My train of thought derailed when I was 10 and I’ve been cleaning up the spilt cargo ever since.

-”…And like a fart in the wind, he disappeared.”

Eyes Wide Mouth Shut

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-Creativity is a pool, a public pool in fact. And well, sometimes a kid poops in your pool and everyone has to get out until the mess is all cleaned up.

-A teacher gave me her home phone number once. Said she wanted to talk with me about my dangling participle.

-Due to the recession, everything is taking a cutback, even the cake and cake stripper industry. Due to the tough economic times, bachelor parties, birthday parties, and first communions have had to resort to hiring midget and amputee strippers to cut back on the cost of the giant cake needed for the strippers to pop out of.

-Dumb people should die. On Saturday, a lady at the Berlin zoo thought it’d be a good idea to hop over the large cement wall and dive into the water with polar bears during feeding time. They then began to nibble on her plump fat rolls. [Source: http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html#cnnSTCVideo ] Original article, pictures and video of the attack available at the link. It’s not that violent, but some might find the video disturbing: she’s plump, she’s soaking wet, and life rafts are breaking in half as rescuers try to hoist her to safety… Oh yeah, and there are some bears trying to eat her.

-It’s fine if you want to have Jesus as your co-pilot, but I don’t recommend him as your D.D.

-You know a shitty feeling? Doing your tax return and finding out you actually owe the government money instead.
 
-You know an even shittier feeling? Getting a tattoo and one of the words are spelt wrong.

-The only bunnies I care to hear about on Easter weekend are the Playboy bunnies. In fact, they’re the only bunnies I ever care to hear about. Fuck bunnies. “Fuck bunnies” should be the new slang for couples who procreate too frequently.

-Being able to confidently walk up to a cash register and purchase a tub of lube says a lot about your character.

-I have many ambitions in life; one is to spend a week being nothing but cougar meat, and by cougar I do not mean the feline.

-The best nights of your life won’t be spent sleeping.

-Keep this secret between just you and me, but you’re favorite reader. Seriously, you’re great.

Calling Myself Names

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-Scarecrow: you have to appreciate that name for how honest and literal it is. Now we just need to start calling shoes “foot holders”, umbrellas “rain stoppers”, and condoms “can’t feel a thing might as well be jerking it”.

-You know a music album is really terrible when you download it but yet still feel ripped off.

-When you go to a strip club and your dancer has nipples that taste like cheap beer, it’s a sign that you probably weren’t the first to kiss her nibbly-bibblies. Either that or she has some seriously awesome hygienic mutation.

-Speaking of strip clubs, have you ever noticed that stories about trips to a strip club are a lot like fishing stories? Each time you hear the story told it gets wilder and crazier than the last version you heard. “So there I was, at Heart Stoppers’ Gentlemen’s Club, under one arm I had the head of the robotic dinosaur I had to kill in the parking lot and under the other arm I was carrying the urn filled with my grandmother’s ashes. Guess who came on stage to dance next! …Come on, guess!? Carmen fucking Electra, man! It was a crazy night!”

-Rumors travel around the office almost as fast as Chlamydia. If rumors travelled faster then the office would have known that sleeping with each other on the latest business trip would a great way to get an STD.

-I was talked into having a few drinks by this great tag line “This tequila is so good, it will make love to your mouth.” The part they didn’t tell me was that it wasn’t nearly as loving or as gentle the next morning when it passed through my mouth a second time.

-If I’m ever stranded in the desert, I’ll just call a friend and have them mail me some ice cubes or something. Sounds like a good plan to me.

-I want to start my own delicious pastry business. To stand out though, all of our products will be named depressing names, like Cupcakes of Misery, As Close As You’ll Ever Get To The Feeling of The Real Thing Apple Pie, and Because You Live In Your Mom’s Basement Chocolate Chip Cookies. At check-out, we’ll insult your appearance.

-Pretend you were in some weird knife swallowing accident and your voice box was forever damaged; would you rather have to sound like Darth Vader or have to talk like Elmo from Sesame Street for the rest of your life?

-Well now I’m off to the gym; partially to get in shape, but mostly because I enjoy being surrounded by sweaty, smelly people.

You Do Or Don’t, Then You’re Dead

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-Size people up quickly and develop rigid attitudes based only on your first impression. If you try to delve deeper and get to know someone, then you’re asking for trouble.

-As it stands right now, the American education system is about as beneficial to society as a flat tire is to a unicyclist.

-I bet that at one point in time, the internet was just a search engine and one porn website. Even if you searched for Bob Dole, you’d get sent to a page that had at least a couple sets of nipples on it.

-It seems most people aren’t familiar with the expression “whore bath”, so I’ll spell it out for all of you not in the loop. A whore bath is basically someone who stinks, or is sweaty or in some way unclean, so, instead of taking a shower or cleaning up properly, they just douse themselves with enough perfume to kill a rhino.

-When in history did storing your spare coinage inside a farm animal become considered as a good financial savings practice?

-Paint thinner is my anti-drug.

-I eat my gummy bears just like everyone else. First I tear off all of their limbs and eat them, and then I eat the torso, and I save the head for last since it’s the tastiest.

-Despite business in the field being down 30%, the promise of flexible hours and quick cash during these economic times is sending women from typical jobs to jobs at strip clubs and jobs in the adult industry at a record rate. Strip clubs even have a higher percentage of dancers with college degrees than ever before. Now you can get a lap dance and get your taxes filed all in one place.

-I can’t wait until my grandchildren are in school and they have to study the history of MySpace and Facebook because they have a test over how that one day, Susie was a total bitch and updated her status confessing her love for Billy, even though she like totally knew that her friend Christine had a crush on Billy already. Gosh! What a skank!

-”Here’s to the crazy ones.
The misfits. The rebels.
The troublemakers. The round
pegs in the square holes – the
ones who see things differently.
They’re not fond of rules and
they have no respect for
the status quo. You can praise
them, disagree with them,
quote them, disbelieve them,
glorify or vilify them.
About the only thing that you
can’t do is ignore them.
Because they change things.”

- Jack Kerouac

Politely Making Your Demands

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-I am a man of many talents. In fact, one of those talents is exaggerating on the amount of talents I have.

-A toolbox only needs two things: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn’t, use the tape.

-A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

-Ronald McDonald actually died of heart failure twelve years ago due to excessive use of the products he sold. In fact, Jack, the Burger King and the Ronald McDonald you think you know, are actually all digitally inserted into every commercial. Jack is really a 400lb blob of a man trapped inside a trailer in Connecticut and the King went to a tanning salon and the large amounts of grease in his body from splurging on the dollar menu turned him into a giant baked potato.

-I have an interesting idea for a birth control/abstinence condom. You put the condom on your junk like usual, but its infused with a putrid odor to make your bells and whistle smell like something left at the back of a gym locker, ensuring no will ever come close to touching your willie.

-I put “for sexual favors” in the memo field of every check I write, thus reminding the person I’m writing the check for of the importance of accepting credit and debit cards.

-I think my female coworker is catching on to why I always ask her to go into the freezer and stock the frozen goods.

-In 2015 a satellite will reach Pluto. It’s a shame because when the satellite was launched Pluto was still considered a planet. Not anymore. Now our solar system stops at eight, ending with Neptune, which, on average, is a chilly -415 degrees Fahrenheit. You know, jeans and a t-shirt kind of weather.

-A 2×4 is actually a 1.5×3.5. You’re welcome.

-You don’t hear about a hodgepodge too often, but you’re confident you’ll know it when you see it.

-It takes a strong type of woman to remove all of her clothes for the sake of other’s mindless entertainment. It takes an idiotic man to remove all of his clothes and run across a field during halftime.

-If we’re going to have the silly national alert level, then I say that by the beginning of this summer all public pools should have a urine threat meter posted at the front gate.