-I had a dream that I was crowd-surfing at a huge rock concert… naked.

-Would you rather be cut in half slowly by a sharp object or quickly by a blunt object? I know, you’d rather not be in cut in half, but suppose you had to pick one.

-You only have to do one cock push-up.

-Firecrackers are by far the most entertaining way to lose one of your digits.

-Time travel is only possible after having several mixed drinks. You will be able to skip several hours of the night, but then you will spend nearly a week trying to figure out what happened while you were caught in the space/time continuum.

-Without the weapons, armies would just be terrible fashion trends literally sweeping across a nation.

-Introducing food into a romantic evening can be interesting, but a honey basted turkey and an entire pan of cornbread is taking things a little too far. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I suggest you at least wait until the family leaves the dinner table.

-I bet the nation suicide rate would drop dramatically if you had to include a works cited page with your suicide note.

-The day I perfect my longhand will likely be the day I die.

-Don’t blame the elephants when they go on a rampage during a circus. After all of those years being forced to sit on that little round stool and eat stale peanuts I’d want to step on some necks too. Same goes for the motorcycle riding bears and the tigers that jump through rings of fire.

-You can’t run from your problems, especially when your problem is a treadmill.

-I have a great cheesy superhero name just itching to become a monthly comic: Max Douche. He has the ability to one-up anything you say and is always dating obnoxious bitches. Under his cape he has a holster to hold his cheap cologne, a pack of condoms, a bottle opener and a pack of ping pong balls for beer pong.

-If I owned a magic flying school bus, the last thing I would do would go on adventures with the intent to learn.

-I’ve given out all of my advice, so now that I need help there’s nothing to turn to.

-Life is game; a shitty one. It is full of liars and cheaters who will steal your paper money and skip two spaces as soon as you aren’t looking. I’m watching you Top Hat!