Tag Archives: summertime

Love Is Friendship Set On Fire

Posted on by
Reply

-If at first you don’t succeed and if you can’t say anything nice, make like a tree and never take no for an answer. Then turn the other cheek, get your panties in a wad, make lemonade, and beat a dead horse until the fat lady sings… Or however the saying goes.

-I’m going through a hard time in my life right now; that little awkward stage between puberty and death.

-The secret to staying young is to make forts in the living room on rainy days. The secret to staying old is walking into the living room and destroying any forts that might persist there.

-I had my own reality show, but after hours of pointless exposition and several predictable plot twists, producers realized the show was a bad idea and cancelled it before the first season ever aired.

-The Book of Eli would be just as compelling of a movie if instead of the last bible, Eli was carrying with him the last Dr. Seuss book.

-What happened to B-size batteries? There’s plenty of A’s, why no B’s?

-Nothing will get you in more trouble faster than an idea.

-Is it wrong that I have a burning desire to find those happy couples in the eHarmony television ads and purposely break them up using forged sexy e-mails and photoshopped pictures of them with other lovers?

-It’s not really summertime in Texas until getting the mail in your bare feet gives you second degree burns on the bottom of your feet.

-You’re the wind beneath my wings and the jumbo jet crushing my face.

Super Obnoxious

Posted on by
1

-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.

Signs That Summertime Must Be Here Again

Posted on by
1

-You spend less time doing homework and more time grilling meat.

-You suddenly care about clean beaches.

-Girls are running around in outfits that look like they’re made out of a washcloth and some pieces of yarn.

-Your popsicle consumption has gone up 200%.

-You’ll honestly believe that your life must include the ownership of a snorkel.

-You have sand in places that you’ve never had sand before and where you never want to have sand again.

-Burying someone in sand is a good pastime rather than a way to avoid 10-25 years in prison.

-You could care less about what hotdogs are mad of. They taste great and that’s all you need to know.

-Waking up at 10:00am becomes “waking up early”.

-You become slightly more aware and weary of shark attacks in your area.

-Each day you wear less and less clothing to remain comfortable.

-Your bank statements consist mostly of where you spent your beer money.

-Every movie at the theater is either a romantic comedy or an action movie featuring continuous, back to back, explosions.

-You have a painful reminder of why you told yourself “I’m never going to let myself get sunburnt again.”

-You realize the importance of cold drinks and you’ll put a strong emphasis on the “cold” part when you order one.

-The notion of going to Mexico actually starts to sound like a good idea.

-You realize that just like buying a house, when building a sand castle the most important things are location, location, location.

-When you’re outside you’ll bitch about how hot it is, then as soon as you get inside you’ll remind everyone how great a day it is outside.

-You’ll accept the fact that anytime you turn on the television, you’ll be watching reruns.

-You have developed a tan line from your flip-flops.