Tag Archives: survey

Uix Mt Ip

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-The best part of the Hokey Pokey is when you turn yourself about.

-Speaking of dances, what happened to river dancing? All of a sudden out of nowhere it became immensely popular and then, as quickly as it emerged, it marched in a long line and in unison, back into the realm of the unheard.

-If you’re in a snowmobile accident in the summer then your last name better be Knievel, otherwise people are certainly going to make fun of you.

-”The grass is green, the sky is blue, and you’re still stupid.”

-Even murders don’t like to get wet. According to a recent study in the New York Times, the murder rate in New York City is lower on rainy days.

-Schindler’s List is not a good make-out movie.

-You think you’ve had bad mornings? Could you imagine being Lorena Bobbitt’s husband and waking up after a long night of drinking to find that your private parts have been severed and stuffed inside a sock and are now lying in a field several miles from your house? That’s a bad morning my friend.

-The expression “There’s no place like home.” most definitely originates from a previous tenant of the Playboy mansion.

-A fluffy tail makes all the difference. A squirrel is pretty much a big rat with a different style tail.

-My dogs love jumping into my swimming pool as much as I’d love for them not to.

-”Free Bird” is never a good choice for a round of karaoke.

-Sometimes I miss my ex-girlfriend, her eyes as green as mold and her smile that was as wide as her hips.

-Nothing says “I hope you die an early death” like a $100 McDonalds gift card.

-If a celebrity dies in a car accident, but the car itself isn’t to blame for the accident, is it good for business for the automobile manufacturer because of the free publicity of photos of the accident all over magazines and on the front of newspapers?

-If you’re a true environmentalist, then you won’t want your corpse driven to the cemetery in a hearse, you’ll want your coffin to be strapped awkwardly to the top of a Toyota Prius.

-I’ll end this one with a little romantic advice. If you trim the bushes, the gardener will come around more often.

Until The Bitter End

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-Prostitutes don’t give a fuck – they sell fucks.

-Foosball is a tasteful blend of soccer and shish kabobs.

-There are probably nude pictures of Rosie O’Donnell on the internet somewhere, but no one dares search for them.

-There is no greater reason than the generic mother’s response of “Because I said so.”

-When I’m bored on a rainy afternoon I head to the local museum and I name the untitled pieces.

-Over the past few years, religious allocation has been on a steady decline. You know that times are tough when even invisible people in the sky granting wishes aren’t doing well on public opinion polls.

-To my knowledge, the quickest way to lose 5-10 pounds is still to get an amputation.

-I’d never wish harm upon anyone, but there are a few I’d like to see struggle through some difficulty.

-There are times in life when you have to become your inner monster in order to cope with reality. Unfortunately for me, my inner monster is Barbara Streisand. So a few times a year I sing show tunes and reenact scenes from Hello Dolly.

-Pro Tip: If you fall asleep while masturbating, it should be pretty obvious that you’re terrible in bed.

-If you’re looking for a stable economic position in your love life let me give you this advice; you can date the supermodel but it’d be wise to marry an accountant.

-Count the number of letters in all of your friend’s names and then be sure to stay the hell away from the ones with thirteen letters. Why? Well, the serial killers Jack The Ripper, Charles Manson, Jeffrey Dahmer, Theodore Bundy, Albert de Salvo, Harvey Glatman, Herman Mudgett, Herbert Mullin, Daniel Rolling, Lucian Staniak, Peter Sutcliffe, and Wayne Williams all have 13 letters in their names.

-If you want to be heard, sometimes you just literally have to scream about something.

-I do not possess great responsibility. If I had a great power like x-ray vision I most certainly would use it for inappropriate purposes for at least the first week or so.

-If you find yourself naked in a strange room with your hands tied and your mouth covered by tape either you better know the safety word or else you better hope your family pays the ransom.

Super Obnoxious

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-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.