Tag Archives: tattoos

Never Too Late To Give A Damn

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-Trust me, I’m lying.

-Good Morning, Megan Fox, a video short following Megan Fox for a day. I didn’t realize her and I were so alike. We both enjoy tossing around in bed, then waking up and having a beer and a sandwhich by the pool before we dress all sexy and pose for Esquire Magazine. Oh my gosh, oh my gosh! We’re like totally soul mates! [Video source: http://www.esquire.com/the-side/video/megan-fox-video ]

-The “Telephone Game” 2.0: Could you imagine the disasters that would be caused if text messages had to be sent to some central office where it would have to be transcribed by another person and then sent out to the person you were originally sending it too? “What do you mean you want to sleep with my mom?!?!” “No, I asked if you wanted to get tacos!”

-Where do I sign up for one of those jobs airbrushing pretty pictures on the bodies of nude models? That seems like a pretty sweet gig, wonder why my guidance counselor never mentioned that to me in high school.

-The next winning political slogan ought to be “Keep the change.”

-Finally! A grunge Barbie doll complete with tattoo stickers! [Amazon product page: http://www.amazon.com/Mattel-N4758-Totally-Stylin-Tattoos/dp/B001NXO1YE ]

-It’s a nice compliment when any average person tells you that you smell good, but it’s a whole world of difference when a cannibal tells you the same thing.

-It pays to be cheap.

-I don’t know about to the bone, but I’m definitely bad to the base of my hair follicles.

-Men don’t fluff pillows. In fact, we don’t “fluff” anything.

-The World Snail Racing Championships have been held annually for over 40 years, but only the 2007 event was cancelled due to inclement weather. You never know when you’ll need to know this kind of stuff for a television game show, so take notes if you have to.

-I wish diseases were 2,000,000 times larger, that way we could actually watch them take over towns and then get nuked into oblivion by our armed forces. I’m a sucker for good entertainment on my nightly news broadcasts.

-I bet the people who work in the toll booths on the highway wear diapers. I never see any bathrooms when I’m giving them my change.

-In the grand scheme of things, sometimes I can’t help but feel like the little pieces of rubber left over after the architect erased a huge mistake.

Shimmy, Shimmy, Shake

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-Out with the old, in with the stupid.

-My weekly routine includes binge drinking and a little bit of crying.

-Wind chimes; one of mankind’s most annoying inventions, second only to alarm clocks.

-Trapped in a box is too easy, I want to see a mime pretend to be trapped in a giant hamster ball.

-I got a tattoo this weekend. It’s a tiny little squiggly on the side of my face. That way people can tell me “Hey, you got something on your face.” and I can rub the opposite side of my head so they have to tell me “No, no, other side.” Then they’ll demonstrate where it’s at and I can just keep rubbing the wrong spot until they get frustrated and lie to me and tell me that I got it and that it’s gone now. Then I can call them a liar. This will show me who my friends really are. Friends don’t let friends walk around with shit on their faces.

-I’m strongly opposed to young people driving while under the influence of terrible music.

-Now I’ve seen everything. This morning I saw a lady on a treadmill wearing fuzzy house slippers. It’s a bold way of saying, “I’m here to get in shape, but I’m still too lazy to tie any laces.”

-”No human thing is of serious importance.” – Plato

-Hippopotomonstrosesquipedalianism is the expression you use to say that a word is really, really long. Should be pretty easy to remember.

-If the bed isn’t squeaking you’re doing it wrong.

-Which would make for a better epitaph; a man mauled by one really huge cat or a man eaten by three dozen regular house cats?

-The best inventions are the ones you don’t appreciate until they’re not around.

-Green is a tricky color. There’s only a few shades difference between forest green and baby puke.

-Nothing makes me laugh harder than seeing pictures of those people who put on way too much bronzer and now look like Oompa-Loompas.

-I had a dream that I woke up and went to work. Then, when I really did wake up, I went to work, thus turning my Sunday into the fourth worst day of my entire life.

-And lastly, some advice for the road: hanging out with assholes is a good way to smell like shit.