Tag Archives: television

Confetti Vomit And Unicorn Glue

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-You know your girlfriend is a bad cook when her stories about her Easy Bake Oven involve her accidentally burning down Barbie’s Playhouse and how her room wreaked with the smell of burnt Troll doll hair.

-I was kidnapped and held ransom once for $9 in unmarked bills.

-It’s sad when your comedy channel has become the news channel and your news channel is the old comedy channel. Who needs reality? Entertain me!

-Around the office pranks can make the monotony of the work day diminish a little, but my coworkers weren’t too happy with the thin coat of Icy Hot that I put all over the hand rails, light switches, and, especially, the toilet seats. However, the vodka in the water cooler was a huge success!

-“Break neck speed” isn’t really possible; “break neck stop” however, is pretty damn common.

-Three-out-of-five stay at home moms suffer from extreme Tupperware addiction. I want this issue addressed as a key talking point in the next presidential election.

-I think it’d be fun to offer my friends a deluxe DVD package showcasing a few hours of my most hilarious and heartwarming moments. I will find a way to work capitalism into every single one of my interpersonal relationships.

-”If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” -George Bernard Shaw

-Technology has once again let me down. Everything today has a friends list, or some sort of social directory, yet none of them have an enemies list or a “people I’d like to see repeatedly stubbing their toes on furniture” list.

-Throwing money at your problems is not a solution unless we’re talking about spilt liquids and paper bills. In that case, throwing money at your problem is a solution, although not the most cost efficient one.

-The whiskey and cookie diet is the newest fitness craze sweeping the nation! Paired with the lounge-around-your-house-all-day-in-your-underwear workout, you’ll have the body of a Greek God/Goddess in mere weeks!

-The problem with promises is that they are too easily made and too easily broken.

From Bad To Worse

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Bad: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while on a construction site.
Worse: Getting hit by a wrecking ball while in a port-o-potty.

Bad: Getting lost in the woods and having to eventually eat your friend in order to survive.
Worse: Getting lost in the woods and being eaten by your friend for their survival.

Bad: Go on a fishing trip but come back with no fish.
Worse: Go on a fishing trip and come back with herpes.

Bad: Forgetting your wallet in your car.
Worse: Forgetting your child in your car.

Bad: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “Intervention”.
Worse: You finally get to be on television, but the show is “To Catch A Predator”.

Bad: Sitting next to someone talking through an entire movie.
Worse: Sitting next to someone giving birth through an entire movie.

Bad: Life is getting just too tough for you so you jump off a roof.
Worse: You live and are now 3 inches shorter.

Bad: Losing your keys at a party and not remembering where you left them.
Worse: Losing your virginity at a party and not remembering who took it.

Bad: You rig up your car so you have your own makeshift ejection seat.
Worse: You accidentally eject yourself while on the bottom floor of a parking garage.

Bad: Finding out Darth Vader is your father.
Worse: Finding out your love interest is actually your sister.

Bad: You get breast implants done by a blind surgeon.
Worse: You get breast implants done by a blind, armless surgeon.

Bad: Someone tells you that you’re ugly.
Worse: Someone tells you that your face reminds them of a Picasso painting.

Bad: You fall down a flight of stairs and lose all but one of your teeth.
Worse: Afterwards, you go to the dentist and he tells you that you have a cavity.

Bad: You go down a waterslide and somehow lose your swimsuit and go down it naked.
Worse: You go down a waterslide and lose your swimsuit but then there is a freak accident and the slide is instantly drained of all its water. You skid down the dry slide inch by inch only to plop out into an empty concrete pool.

Bad: Scientists finally discover the missing link and are able to determine your exact evolutionary progress.
Worse: Scientists prove, once and for all, that you are in fact a direct descendant of a pile of dung.

Bad: You have to imagine the class in their underwear when you give a speech.
Worse: You are actually only in your underwear when you give a speech to your class.

There Aren’t Any Chaperons At Camp Awesome

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-Have you ever had one of those moments where you are just tired of drinking, but, for some reason, you keep drinking anyway?

-I don’t know about you, but I think we should just get rid of Wednesday and Thursday.

-When you really break it down, there are only two people in the United States who decide what you see or don’t see on the news. Yes, two people.

-Wow, somewhere in the neighborhood of $250,000 space porn. A piece of astronaut gear is going up for auction; it’s a page from the manuals of the Apollo 16 crew featuring a doodle of an astronaut and a naked cartoon space bimbo. [link to auction, NSFW cartoon boobies: http://www.daylife.com/photo/05QR51Y2Ga7NL ]

-All movies should end with every single main character dying, simply to prevent Hollywood from making some shitty sequel. Sure after a while it’d be predictable, but it’d be interesting to see how directors could kill off an entire cast within realistic boundaries of the story.

-Next time you’re filling up, be sure to spray the person on the other side of the pump with gasoline. It’s a cool, refreshing way to add some enjoyment to their day in these warm summer months.

-This beats the hell out of those annoying “Can you hear me now?” commercials. This is one of the first commercials for a cell phone from 1989. I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that music in at least 5 different adult films though. [video link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ptbJZ9HBw2k ]

-Every time I assemble a puzzle that’s missing pieces it reminds me of the age old classic tale of the beloved Humpty Dumpty.

-Hopefully, by the time that the sun finally explodes there is such a thing as sunblock with SPF 3,000,000,000.

-It’s just an assumption, but I’m pretty sure that whoever came up with “jumping jacks” was probably named Jack… or Jumping.

-Here’s some good advice to help you live just a little bit longer: trust no one, take no chances, think of every consequence, look twice, keep to yourself, and be a pessimist. You’ll live longer, but you won’t live any happier.

-If I could possibly own everything in the world, I’d give it all away anyway. And you, my friend, would get all of the rubber bands.

-Last, but certainly not least, I’d like to send a thank you and happy birthday message to one of my most dedicated readers! Happy birthday Jennifer!

Friday The Thirteenth, Beware Of Hockey Goalies With Sharp Objects

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-My weekend is going to be about as sad as watching Edward Scissorhands try to catch a butterfly.

-I ate at a restaurant that served “A bowl of sexy Jell-O” as a dessert. I’m not sure what made it sexy, perhaps the way it jiggled? Maybe it was cut into some sort of adult shape? I settled for the nude key lime pie and a cup of prostitution instead.

-I think that during these economic times we need to define the American Dream 2.0. I’m pretty sure that the way things are now is a sign that maybe the first dream isn’t working out as well as we would have liked it to.

-Sorry if this isn’t very funny, last night I was drinking and hit on a girl that looked like a cross between Rosie O’Donnell and Arnold Schwarzenegger. I’m currently reevaluating my goals and life decisions.

-The unfortunate dyslexic dictator; he’ll never understand why his plan to conquer then divide didn’t work.

-Have you ever misspoken and said something like telling your neighbors that your new babysitter is very sexual when you actually meant to say she’s very sensible? Me neither, but it’d be pretty, huh?

-I was watching one of those house hunting shows and the lady looking for a house really wanted a laundry room that had a window. Why would you want a laundry room with a view? So you can depress yourself as you look outside at all of the other people in the world not doing laundry?

-”It’s only an island if you’re looking at it from the water.”

-I had a dream the other night that I was bobsledding with Tom Cruise and the entire Cool Runnings team. I instantly knew it was a dream when we got to the bottom of the hill and Tom Cruise and I were talking and I mentioned that I was now a believer in scientology. That pretty much diminished any actuality to the entire dream.

-If McDonalds sold lobster, would you try it? I don’t think I’m prepared to take that much of a risk.

-Several guys sitting around talking about their ex’s quickly turns into a plethora of private information you kinda didn’t want to know.

-Ever get that feeling that the trash is sweeping you under the rug instead?

 
Ps. I changed the comment requirements so you no longer have to provide a name and an e-mail address. So, there is no excuse why you can’t leave a few words of love [or hate, whatever floats your boat].