Tag Archives: torture

No Animals Were Harmed In The Making Of This Delicious Sandwich

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-Which do you think is a bigger import to Antarctica: alcohol, sweaters, or porn?

-I couldn’t think of anything else; there can’t be any worse of torture than ants in your pants.

-We’ve all met people who live life in the fast lane, but I’m sure only some of us have met the people living in the median with their hood up.

-In history class, we read about how the Russian army shot any deserters during World War II. However the dyslexic kid next to me had to stop the class discussion and ask why the Russians had such a problem with desserts. That’s the last time he ever raised his hand or made any comment about the reading material.

-Once, I totally did the romantic comedy style long-distance “I love you so much” moment. We had our phones resting on pillows next to our heads as we fell asleep so we could pretend we were lying next to each other. The truth is I hung up once she started snoring. Some things you don’t miss that much about people.

-If all of the best illegal drugs had to be taken as suppositories, I don’t think recreational drug use would be as popular as it is today.

-It’d be nice if STDs cancelled out; like if two people with herpes have unprotected sex the herpes would just cancel out. Unfortunately, that actually just makes mega-herpes.

-Most equal opportunity employers are also equal disadvantage employers. No matter who you are, when you start you get to shovel the same shit as everybody else.

-I’m a very observant person, but the ending to The Sixth Sense? Wow, never saw that one coming!

-When I’m writing something very important to me I feel hurried and write faster and faster and my handwriting gets sloppier by the sentence. I’ll have to type my last will and testament; otherwise even the best handwriting analyst from CSI won’t be able to decipher the chicken scratch.

-In the 70′s it was a popular trend for girls to have hard nipples, I’m glad the trend never extended and it became fashionable for guys to walk around with hard dicks.

-Pro Tip: If you’re going to be tanning naked in your backyard, make sure it’s not the day that the Google Earth satellite is flying over your neighborhood.

-I have a problem with people who tell you to fold a piece of paper and they specify to fold it like a hotdog or to fold it like a hamburger.

-Forever can be something to bleed for.

Go Funk Yourself

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-In a perfect world, no statement would start with those first four words.

-I don’t mind singing in the shower, but when I get out the crowd always demands an encore and then I’m forced to continue singing while I try to brush my teeth.

-The best part about getting older is that you get to start more stories with “Back in my day…” and “When I was your age…”.

-Unlucky is having sex once, wearing a condom, and still becoming a father of triplets.

-Ambition tells you to not go to bed until your job is finished. Laziness tells you to do your work in the morning after you get some sleep.

-Unbearably embarrassing moments: Be a lead man carrying a casket at a funeral, but due to an untied shoelace you trip. As the casket is falling to the ground, the deceased flies from it and lands in the grave face down.

-The only thing more relaxing than chair shopping is bed shopping.

-Everyone seems surprised that celebrities die, as if they were ever something more than just human. Although their deaths are tragic, the media translates it as if it is the end of times.

-There’s nothing wrong with adding some color to your wardrobe, but fuck, some people look like they threw a box of crayons and a rainbow into a blender and doused themselves with whatever came of it!

-I like to hang out with people larger than me, that way if we’re captured by a tribe of cannibals my chances of being eaten drastically decrease.

-There needs to be a circle state. I think right in the middle of Missouri would be a good spot. Spot, that’s what we’ll name the new state too! The capitol city will be named Dot.

-I think the next Saw movie should have a guy trapped with his junk inside a toaster and the only way he can escape the room is if he makes and eats an entire box of Eggo Waffles.

-The electric carts at department stores are for handicapped people, not for people over 400lbs who don’t feel like walking all the way to the back of the store for a loaf of bread and a bag of cheese puffs.

-An optimist will tell you that things can’t get any worse while a pessimist will tell you it can’t get any better.

Thoroughly Confused

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-I don’t French kiss, I American kiss. If you don’t know what that is, well then my friend, you’re missing out!

-Seeing is believing! Well, unless you’re blind, then it’s just believing.

-Torturing someone really takes a lot out of you. That’d be a good advertisement for an energy drink. “Running out of toenails to remove? Broken all of the less important bones already? Still not getting the confession you wanted? Save the jumper-cables-to-the-gonads trick for when you really need it, grab a PRODUCT NAME HERE!”

-Now that I think about it… I haven’t been tied up and whipped in a really long time.

-It hurts when you get your finger nicked in your zipper, but it’s just plain embarrassing when you get it nicked in someone else’s.

-You know the best part about the new Transformers 2 trailer? It’s not the new Transformers, it’s not the crazy action and multitude of explosions, and it’s not even the part with the giant sand eating monster. It’s the part where Megan Fox is pretending to work on a motorcycle. I’ve never wanted to be a leather seat so bad in my entire life. [Video link: http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809943432/video/13222062 ]

-Rape victims should have the ability to decide the punishment for the accused. I think that would really put a dent in the amount of sexual assault crimes.

-”If you don’t go to other men’s funerals, they won’t go to yours.” – Clarence Day

-I want to live to be over a hundred just so I can party like it’s 99′ twice.

-If you have any qualms about buying a Wal-Mart brand product, why in the hell would you go to their pharmacy for medical advice?

-Swine Flu is pretty much a game of cooties played by adults. This time instead of pinches and flirty gestures, it’s a bunch of hand sanitizer, flu masks, and an occasional death.

-A pornographic film is being made somewhere in the United States roughly every 39 minutes.

-There is only one think deadlier than Chuck Norris? Zombie Chuck Norris.

-Would you rather be hit by a slow moving bus and killed or hit by a small car repeatedly until you were killed?

-If you have to ask the audience for a round of applause, then it wasn’t deserving of applause in the first place.

-Happy birthday, dad.

Gypsies, Toads, And Evildoers

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-This will be the most difficult blog I’ve ever had to write; not because I have nothing funny to talk about, not because I’ve joined the CIA and been sworn to secrecy, not because I lost all of my fingers in a terrible jungle gym accident, but because I have two of my fingers stuck in an ancient Chinese finger trap. Okay to be honest, it’s not ancient, I bought it yesterday, and it actually says “Made in Taiwan”, not China, but still.

-I’m a strong advocate of fairness; I believe that we should all suffer equally.

-Debriefing sounds like something you do just before you hop in the shower or just before having sex.

-I’d like to hope that reincarnation is completely impossible, that way I don’t have to worry about coming back into this world as a drink coaster. That’d pretty much suck balls.

-Nothing irks me more than someone ruining the ending of a good porn flick.

-I was stuck in an elevator once. We were only in there for about an hour, but after 15 minutes or so I broke the silence and suggested that we eat one of the other stranded passengers. Apparently there is a time limit on how long you have to wait until suggesting cannibalism is considered plausible and acceptable.

-I end all of my emails and letters with “Ps. I was naked when I wrote this.” regardless of if it’s true or not. No one really appreciates it more than my Business Law teacher when I send in my homework.

-Nothing says “I couldn’t care less about what you think of me” like a hat that says “Fuck you” really big on it.

-If you’re not spitting blood and teary eyed after brushing your teeth than you’re not doing it right.

-Everyone has hobbies. One of mine is collecting paper. I have them sorted into stacks by what’s on them and I store them in different locations throughout my house. I keep the ones with “$” on them in a big metal box in my closet, the pieces of paper with song lyrics on them are kept with my music collection, I throw the ones that say “bill” on them in my garbage can, and the ones with pictures of naked people on them are kept under my bed.

-I had a dream last night that I was trapped inside of a kaleidoscope with dozens of furry animals. Then, after I saw the pictures on my friends phone, I realized I had just gotten totally plastered at Chucky Cheese and couldn’t find my way out of the ball pit.

When The Cows Come Home To Roost

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-I suffered four days of water torture, had most of my toenails removed, and was nearly electrocuted to death as the investigators just kept asking me the same question over and over again: Where’s Waldo?

-The one day of the year I go green is tomorrow: Saint Patrick’s Day. My clothes will be green, my beer will be green, and consequently, my pee will be green.

-I’d like to have a coat made out of the bath mat material; warm, soft, and mildew resistant.

-The year that doors were invented I bet masturbation went up at least 200%.

-If you’re blind you kind of have to be organized. If you don’t put stuff back where it belongs your bowl of cereal could become a bowl of Cascade dish soap drizzled over a handful of bolts. Not to mention that you’ll be eating them out of your cats food bowl instead of your favorite Batman plastic bowl.

-”More fun than a barrel of monkeys.” I’m not sure if this expression refers to the plastic toy or a literal barrel of live monkeys. Honestly, neither sound like very much fun to me.

-It takes a whole lot of bad behavior to get kicked out of IHOP.

-In 207 BC, Chrysippus, a Greek philosopher, is believed to have died of laughter after watching his drunk donkey attempt to eat figs. Story of my life.

-Which do you think came first; the giant q-tip people fight with on American Gladiators or the q-tip we use to clean our ears?

-It should be a rule that anytime you tell your significant other that you are going to take a shower that it be taken as an open invitation to join.

-During the reign of Elizabeth I, there was a tax put on men’s beards. I’m not sure if the tax was measured by number of hairs, length of hair, or overall weight of the beard, but I’m sure Gillette would love a tax like that today.

-I don’t smoke, but I still complain with my friends about the rising price of tobacco products.

-Floral patterns have no place in my life.

-The problem with truth is its lack of elaborate embellishment.

-I’ll make all of your dreams come true for the small monthly fee of $29.95!