Tag Archives: toys

Super Obnoxious

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-I say we cancel the war on drugs and focus entirely on the war on mosquitoes.

-I want to find a job that requires me to wear my nicest t-shirt and my most formal sandals.

-The new Texas state motto: “Se hablo ingles.”

-”We built this tomb together, and I’ll likely fill it all alone.”

-Batteries aren’t included with most toys these days because the batteries actually cost more than the fucking toys.

-”Poop face” is still as quality of a putdown now as it was on the playground in second grade.

-I’d rather try to hug dinosaurs than spend an entire weekend at work.

-I was severely disappointed to find out that crayons don’t taste nearly as delicious as they look, nor as tasty as the names of their colors suggest.

-It’s not truly summertime until you’ve played a round of Frisbee or two.

-The only sound case against evolution that I’ve ever experienced is a monster truck rally.

-I’m really hoping that three wrongs do make an eventual right. I have my fingers crossed.

-I might be interpreting the lyrics wrong, but “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Just what every girl wants, a guy that has already slept with all of her friends.

-My goal in life is to not die on a Tuesday. That way, every week I spend one whole day on my goals. That’s more than most people.

-My career path is a winding, twisting, dirt road on a precarious cliff side, complete with escape convicts trying to hitch rides and prostitutes dirtier than a Petri dish in a waste basket at an AIDS clinic.

-In a recent survey, “cunt” was deemed the most profane curse word of today’s language, just ahead of “motherfucker” and the classic “‘fuck”. “Spastic” came in at 14; spastic… seriously. “Balls” came in 22nd.

-I’m going to end this with a classic: Look down the front of your shirt and spell attic.

Bathroom Stall Of Fame

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-I made my spring resolutions today. You know what spring resolutions are, right? They’re the second chance at the New Year’s resolutions you’ve already broke. There’s also such a thing as fall resolutions if you still can’t keep your promises to yourself. On the other hand however, there is not such thing as summer resolutions. All bets are off for the summertime.

-I want to live on the moon. Then I wouldn’t have to mow the fucking grass.

-Before I die, I want to be involved in a huge city mob. I want to be that guy in the background with the flaming torch who yells “Let’s get him guys!”

-Bad luck is trying to catch a suicidal person as they jump from a roof and in turn the weight of their body landing on you kills you but lets them walk away unscathed.

-You know an expression I really miss? “Insane with the membrane.”

-Twilight isn’t a vampire movie per say. It’s actually a documentary of a pale high school kid who is constantly making funny faces in between reapplying large amounts of hair gel and stalking innocent girls while they sleep.

-I don’t do drugs because almost 5% of them are smuggled into the country rectally. That’s a chance I’m just not willing to take.

-You know why they haven’t changed the Slinky? You can’t improve perfection.

-I wore a calculator watch when I was younger. Not because it was convenient, not because I was a dork, I wore it because I cheated on math tests.

-”Incest” is a really hilarious typo when you mean “insect”. Especially when talking about incest repellant spray or when you’re telling a story about how you had to slap the incest right off your face!

-Unless you’re a bee farmer you have absolutely no reason to ever, ever, say “None of your bees wax.”

-Did you know that Adolf Hitler abstained from alcohol?

-I order all of my condoms online. There’s no better way to guarantee a safe, secure, contraceptive than to have it delivered to my house in the mid afternoon by the delicate hands of a postal worker only to me left on my doorstep for hours until I arrive home.

-I enjoy pulling people’s legs. Not jokingly, I mean literally: I enjoy hiding under things and pulling people’s appendages as they stroll by. It makes me giggle.