Tag Archives: underwear

Just Say When

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-The future is as certain as the possibility that I’m not wearing pants.

-I try to always keep a folding chair in the room with me. You just never know when a pro wrestler might stop by.

-Take a real deep breath, look into the mirror and ask yourself “Why the fuck am I talking to myself?”

-I bought a telescope to study the stars but I quickly realized there are much more interesting things just through the window of my neighbor’s house.

-The worst advice is always punctual. The best advice is always 30 minutes late.

-It’s always flattering when someone admits to dreaming about you. It’s nice to know you’ve made enough of an impression that someone’s mind can’t resist but to think of you.

-If you can’t see the forest for the trees then maybe you live in a desert, or perhaps a low-lying grassland region.

-Too often, pretty underwear is covered by ugly jeans. Such a travesty.

-Anytime I receive a package that says “Open Other End” I take it as a personal challenge to successfully open the wrong end. Same thing goes for signs that say “Stay Off Of Grass”. For some reason my feet start to tingle and walking across a green lawn seems to be the only cure.

-After much research it has been determined that the strongest force in the universe is gossip.

-Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.

-People who share their religious views with you almost never want to hear your religious views in return.

-Never trust a man wearing two watches.

-Stumbling all over myself and mumbling incoherently; either someone slipped something into my drink or I’m in love. It’s hard to tell sometimes.

-I’ll jump, jump, but I won’t put my hands up in the air, because I actually do kind of care.

-“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy shit…what a ride!’” -Hunter S. Thompson

-If you suddenly went deaf and blind at the same time, how could anyone convince you that you are still alive? A hand to their chest to feel their heartbeat?

There’s A Voice In My Head That Tells Me What To Do

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-I remember when you had to memorize your friend’s phone number. Those were simpler times. Good times.

-You’re the cream cheese to my bagel.

-Only 7.6 billion more years until the earth will be consumed by the sun. I’m so fucking impatient.

-If I was a magician my catch line after trick would be “Fucking tah-da, motherfuckers!”

-The first trick I would master would be to guess the color of your underwear without you taking off any clothes.

-I have no time for patience.

-I’m surprised there aren’t more songs about blowjobs.

-One of the reasons why NASA hesitates to send a crew to Mars is because of the very high likelihood that one of the astronauts will go insane with “cabin fever” during the three month travel to the red planet. I say you televise it to cover the cost of rocket fuel. Here’s the tagline “Three astronauts enter; only one will leave… Unless of course someone pulls the door latch and they all get sucked out into space.”

-She really has a way with words; especially the words she whispers into my ear.

-“Think outside the box” is great advice unless you are actually trapped inside of a box.

-Before dogs existed on this planet what was doggy-style called? Dino-style? Ameba-style? Single-celled organism-style?

-I’m crazy in love, but I’m still kind of crazy when I’m out of love too.

-I hope you finally get what’s coming to you; and I’m not talking about a serving of delicious apple pie.

More Forgiving Than The Waistband On A Pair Of Sweatpants

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-Sometimes it takes a violent zombie attack to really show you what you’re made of.

-I know a movie plot that would please both the men and the women in the audience. It will start off as a typical romantic comedy and then in the third act robots will suddenly show up and kill all of the main characters, the end.

-I don’t give in to peer pressure, I surrender to it.

-There could be a very interesting string of commercials resulting from Smoothie King and Burger King merging. Each one showing their struggle to gain control of a marketing region, spilt ketchup packets and fruit skins littering a battlefield, napkins covering the remains of smashed fries, and battle equipment made from straws and plastic cups.

-Having a romantic moment in the rain can be as simple as being completely naked under your $5 rain poncho.

-”Sneaky as a slug” seems like a completely legitimate expression that ought to exists.

-People who aren’t handicapped that park in handicap parking spaces should be made handicap.

-You can play the air guitar and look kinda cool, you can play air drums and show everyone you have great rhythm, but when you play the air harmonica, everyone will just think you’re mimicking the actions of eating corn on the cob and they’ll just stare at you.

-I’m a third generation paper airplane builder. My father’s father taught him, my father taught me, and I’ll be sure to teach my children the dying art form of constructing paper flying contraptions.

-If you were to give up wearing underwear, you’d have about forty-five minutes of extra free time each year.

-You never see a series of violent finger paintings. I think it’s because once you get the paint all over your hands you can’t help but enjoy yourself as you make a huge mess.

-Someone needs to make a sitcom about an Italian mob family trying to kill Houdini. Every week they find him, chain him up, and throw in lake, yet he escapes every time.

-Does lint go from your pocket to your belly button or from your belly button to your pocket?

-Give a man a fish and he’ll be fed for a day. Teach a man how to fish and he will be fed until he slowly dies of mercury poisoning.

-Under-wire bras; I can’t think of any better use of metal wire, can you?

Protest The Way We Are Passive Today

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-I have to renew my license at the DMV today. Honestly, I’d rather knit turtleneck sweaters for a heard of giraffe.

-There needs to be a game show that drops contestants through trap doors in the floor when they get a question wrong. This show should also never reveal where the trap doors lead to. Everyone likes a good mystery.

-I’ve decided to take up smoking just so I have a reason to complain about the government some more.

-I know this has to have happened to someone else out there, but have you ever been scoping someone out from a distance and you think to yourself “Wow, they’re pretty hot.”, then as they get closer you realize it’s someone you know and you feel pretty embarrassed?

-Nothing says “I care about my body” like ordering extra chili fries with a large Diet Coke.

-If you’re ever about to pushed off a ledge to your death, try this one on your assailant: “I’m rubber, you’re glue, push me off this cliff and I’m just going to bounce back up here and hit you.”

-Pro Tip: If you got two humps and it cost you $100, you’re not a camel, you’re a John.

-Stealing underwear is the only true crime of passion.

-A lady eating an ice cream cone on a hot day is as equally magical as seeing a unicorn prance under a rainbow in a field of exotic flowers… on a Thursday.

-I hunt for jobs with a butterfly net and a bazooka.

-In my older age now, I’ve come to realize that I’m about as lucky as a man breaking mirrors under a ladder with a black cat on my head on Friday the thirteenth.

-I’ve never fought a bear before, but one time I did fight a man dressed in a bear suit.

-Here’s some new slang for you hipsters. Grinder – [in reference to a meat grinder] an individual aggressively seeking companionship to the extent that they treat the opposite sex like a simple piece of meat.

-Without gravity there would be no such thing as jugglers and the world be a little bit sadder of a place.

-I fucking hate Mondays.

Embracing The Stupid Of Tomorrow

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-I don’t like to brag, but I beat a deaf, blind kid at pinball once.

-I’m not for certain, but I’m pretty sure that a Native American breaking into your room and setting your novelty dreamcatcher on fire and then peeing on it to put out the fire is not a good sign.

-If you didn’t know the definition, you might think that someone calling you a “sexist” was actually a pretty awesome compliment.

-It’s the differences between us that keep us sane.

-I really hope I die on one of my days off. I’d really hate to spend a whole day at work only to bite the dirt on my way home. What a waste of a day that would be.

-On an application for a job or school or anything really, it’s never a good idea to put “freelance gynecologist” in the Hobbies/Other Interests section.

-I met a guy named Ted D. Bear today. I told him it was unfortunate that his parents hate him that much, but at least they didn’t name him Snuggles or Yogi.

-Everything should be judged and rated by a 5-star peer review system. Online dating networks could rate each candidate by their past performances, underwear at Victoria’s Secret sorted by a 5-star rating of sexiest to least sexy, or dogs at the kennel rated least likely to tear your entire house apart.

-Pro tip: If the shoe doesn’t fit, it’s probably not your damn shoe.

-I discovered the best rap song lyrics ever: “Got a one track mind / Gotta, gotta, gotta get dat behind. / Booty booty, fresh and fruity / Gotta, gotta, hit dat booty.” So classy, so modern; I love it.

-Some call me a hopeless romantic, but I call myself stupid. I have a terrible habit of falling madly in love with girls who couldn’t care less about me.

-After being in Happy Gilmore, I wonder how many times Bob Barker wanted to actually tell a contestant “The price is wrong, bitch!”

-I bet there is a really funny story behind the expression “Got to piss like a race horse.”

-Cheech and Chong need their own Saturday morning cartoon special.

-I need more readers! Spread the word and let your friends know about AmazinglyMundane.com through Facebook by becoming a fan of the AmazinglyMundane.com Page here: http://www.facebook.com/pages/AmazinglyMundanecom/87514425205  or by adding me as a friend on MySpace at http://www.myspace.com/ldforrest

-Not to sound too needy, but I also need bodies! In my quest for finding more work as a graphic designer, I need more and more samples for my portfolio. I am currently seeking amateur models in the Houston area for portraits and staged photography! Contact me at ldforrest at hotmail dot com if you’re interested!

Delusions And Ponderings From The Timeout Corner

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-The grass really is always greener on the other side of the fence. There aren’t any ant piles and it never has to be mowed either.

-Alien ray guns are much more humane than today’s modern guns. With a ray gun, you’re going to evaporate into a billion particles even if you get shot in the genitals. The same can’t be said for the latter.

-There probably isn’t anyone wishing another person a Happy Mother’s Day at an abortion clinic.

-I’m not out in the public very often. I’m more of the quiet romantic night at home kind of guys, but for the few hours I did spend out in the zoo that is society I noticed that today must be National Moo-Moo Day. I’ve never seen so many people sporting sleeved blankets in such a short amount of time. For a moment I thought I was trapped in the Snuggie’s commercial.

-I’m writing a survival guide for people who want to venture out into the wild. I don’t want to spoil too much, but Chapter 5 is about how to properly curl into a ball and cry hysterically until a rescue team arrives. Chapter 10 explains why hiding sausage in your overweight friend’s backpack is a good way to survive a bear attack, assuming of course, that you can run faster than you’re fat friend.

-If you had to be embarrassed by one or the other, would you rather be caught with your pants down or with a finger deep inside a nostril?

-They should have combined television shows and made Barney into a monster that the Power Rangers had to stop from destroying the world.

-Love is going to beat you up, drag you down, and give you everything you asked for.

-Without the discovery of caffeine and the widespread addiction to coffee, I don’t think that the industrial revolution would have ever happened.

-There’s nothing particularly great about men’s undergarments, but women’s panties, those things are magical. I’d argue they are more magical than a flying carpet. They have gotten me in more trouble and persuaded me to more bad things than any amount of peer pressure or large volume of alcohol ever has. Before I die, I’m going to create an ode to underwear. Whether it is in song form, a painting, or an epic odyssey, I will do it.

-I’ve been absorbing other people’s problems like a sponge since 1996. It’s time to find someone who can wring me out.

-Since it’s finals time, I’ll end this one with a study tip: Make a batch of margaritas to enjoy as you study. If you drink enough you’ll wake up with a headache, but that just means you studied hard. Knowledge hurts; anyone who tells you otherwise is stupid. Good luck!