-I’m pretty sure I could live happily without cotton balls.

-The best part about waking up at 6am is that you don’t have to wake up at 5am.

-”I didn’t hit him. I just gave his face a high-five!”

-Organ donor – A person who is known for having many sexual partners.

-The best times to be non-religious: spring break, summer break, science classes, Halloween, and rock concerts. The worst times to be non-religious: Bar Mitzvahs, Christmas, weddings, funerals, and when playing the lottery.

-Pro Tip: If the humidity is over 100% and you’re surrounded by a dozen naked men, you are either in the Amazon rainforest or a club gym’s sauna room.

-Online dating is great: straight from MySpace to her place.

-Nothing clears your mind like a .45 caliber round through your cranium.

-Every year, nearly a thousand people are burnt by trying to iron their clothes while wearing them. Of those thousand people, one thousand of them are fucking stupid.

-Alcohol makes girls do funny things, like kiss each other… I love alcohol.

-The government doesn’t need to wiretap my phones or monitor by internet activities. They just need to follow me on Twitter. [http://twitter.com/AmznglyMundane]

-I can’t wait until I have kids so I can pass all of my problems, flaws, and shortcomings onto them.

-In some small Midwest towns, the state militias are actually based in the rear parking lot of their local Wal-Mart store.

-Speaking of militias, with the threat of water and oil shortages there has been some far off speculation that war on America’s soil may happen. I just hope no one is dumb enough to try to mobilize through Texas. We have more guns than citizens in some counties.

-Mammo-glamour – A female who has a great bust but otherwise less-than-impressive features.

-Did you know that with a hefty amount of starch you can turn a mop into a broom? Well, now you know. You’re welcome!

-Patience will get you through the day. Patience will keep you waiting.