-You know your girlfriend is a bad cook when her stories about her Easy Bake Oven involve her accidentally burning down Barbie’s Playhouse and how her room wreaked with the smell of burnt Troll doll hair.
-I was kidnapped and held ransom once for $9 in unmarked bills.
-It’s sad when your comedy channel has become the news channel and your news channel is the old comedy channel. Who needs reality? Entertain me!
-Around the office pranks can make the monotony of the work day diminish a little, but my coworkers weren’t too happy with the thin coat of Icy Hot that I put all over the hand rails, light switches, and, especially, the toilet seats. However, the vodka in the water cooler was a huge success!
-“Break neck speed” isn’t really possible; “break neck stop” however, is pretty damn common.
-Three-out-of-five stay at home moms suffer from extreme Tupperware addiction. I want this issue addressed as a key talking point in the next presidential election.
-I think it’d be fun to offer my friends a deluxe DVD package showcasing a few hours of my most hilarious and heartwarming moments. I will find a way to work capitalism into every single one of my interpersonal relationships.
-”If you can’t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you’d best teach it to dance.” -George Bernard Shaw
-Technology has once again let me down. Everything today has a friends list, or some sort of social directory, yet none of them have an enemies list or a “people I’d like to see repeatedly stubbing their toes on furniture” list.
-Throwing money at your problems is not a solution unless we’re talking about spilt liquids and paper bills. In that case, throwing money at your problem is a solution, although not the most cost efficient one.
-The whiskey and cookie diet is the newest fitness craze sweeping the nation! Paired with the lounge-around-your-house-all-day-in-your-underwear workout, you’ll have the body of a Greek God/Goddess in mere weeks!
-The problem with promises is that they are too easily made and too easily broken.