Tag Archives: women

Remarkably Satisfying

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-When Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of meat, people called her an artist. When I wore a dress made out of meat, my neighbors told the police I was a cross-dressing cannibal.

-”If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.” -Aristotle Onassis

-There’s no better way to shave your chest, thighs, and eyebrows than a dry slip-n-slide.

-My self-esteem is so high that my tears have dreams of growing up into tidal waves.

-If you think you have things figured out, then it’s obvious you have no idea what the fuck is going on.

-How hot is it outside? It’s need-to-strip-down-naked-just-to-take-out-the-garbage kind of hot outside.

-When a girl cancels a date, she has to. When a guy cancels a date, he has two.

-You can’t even imagine my disappointment when I stumbled into, and discovered the real meaning of, my first booby trap.

-Here’s a great passive-aggressive way to break up a relationship you’re stuck in: stop bathing.

-I’m not a morning person. Honestly, I’m not even much of an early afternoon person either.

-A world without jesters would be far crueler than a world without kings.

-Apparently, Head Over Heels isn’t just a position in the Kama Sutra.

-Just to make golf more interesting, they should have a televised tournament where the players only play during lightning storms.

-I like my music like I like my women: loud and ugly.

-If another man’s zipper is down, that’s his problem – you didn’t see shit.

-There are times that try men’s souls; like after over-eating at a Mexican restaurant.

-When opportunity knocks, you let that fucker in!

Everyone Makes Mistakes, But Me

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-When choosing legal council, I always go with the lawyer with the most terrible commercial. If he/she is so eager for work that they are willing to make a complete ass of themselves on public television, then I know they will be able to focus solely on my case.

-All of the good women are taken, but that little hiccup hasn’t stopped me yet.

-What goes around comes around; like Ferris Wheels, merry-go-rounds, umbrellas, balls, and some hats.

-You know your child’s future is rather bleak when the guidance counselor suggests your child look into forklift operating as a potential college major.

-If you believe in Jesus, it isn’t asking much of you to consider the possibility of a zombie outbreak in the future.

-No one can do the robot better than an actual robot. That’s how the machines will take over one day, first it’s our dance moves, then it’s our souls.

-Someone once told me “Remember these words, for they will save your life one day.” Pretty amazing stuff. Words, these, will, for, they, day, remember, life, save, your, one. Wonder how that’s going to save me… Is it a password or something? Will I be forced into a game of real-life Hangman and those are the answers to the puzzle? Only time will tell.

-There are many more things in our broom closet that just brooms. In fact, I don’t think there is even a broom in there at all…

-Corporate sponsors never forget.

-Remember to always burn all incriminating evidence.

-Pimps should start using an Employee of The Month program to boost moral a bit.

-I save all of my Christmas candy canes to give out to trick-or-treaters the following year.

-A naked game of Twister sounds like fun until left-hand green, left-leg yellow, and right-leg red. Then things just take a turn for the worse.

-To whoever does the marketing for Icy Hot, I implore you to create an ad campaign around Blue Oyster Cult’s “I’m Burnin’ For You”.

-If you’re going to get addicted to drugs, I at least hope it’s Children’s Tylenol in the bubblegum flavor. That shit is delicious!

Halloween Costumes: A Guide For Men, Women, and Couples

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Halloween is the one day of the year when you get to dress up as someone you’re not, unless you’re an actor, a political figure’s double, or if you make your money as a sports mascot or as a rodeo clown. Let me start over… Halloween, for most people, is the one day of the year that you get to dress up as someone you’re not.

Some people dwell endlessly on assembling the perfect Halloween costume [I'll get to that in another post]. Here we’re going to examine the trends of Halloween costumes, explain a little about what these getups say about their wearers, how to make the best of these outfits, and if nothing else, maybe we’ll help you pick which alias is right for you this October 31st.

 

Women’s Costumes

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The concept behind women’s costumes is simple. Take any respectable profession [such as a pirate, figure 1] and make it sexy. Sexy accountant, sexy librarian, sexy teacher, sexy soldier, sexy plumber, sexy garbage woman, sexy geologist, sexy stuntwoman, sexy race car driver, sexy funeral home assistant, sexy scuba diver, and sexy lunch lady: all of it works.

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If the working class isn’t for you, you can always take things to a deeply personal level and dress up as something from our beloved television. How about dressing up as a Fantana like the girl in figure 2? [Fantana is the fancy name for the dancers in the Fanta commercials. No worries, I Googled it for you.] Not into fruity-tasting carbonated beverages? How about going as a sexy crime scene investigator [figure 3]? There’s a joke about stiff corpses in there somewhere, but I can’t find it.

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What do guys love? Guys love beer! Guys love cleavage! Guys love being pampered! What better way to get the attention of those XX chromosomes than to dress up as a beer maid? Take caution though, this is an outfit sure to attract the inebriated and the lazy. Maybe drop the beer maid and just go for the old standby of being a regular sexy maid instead? The fishnet stockings will probably rip the first time you’re cleaning the toilet and the heels probably aren’t too easy to vacuum in, so this costume definitely takes form over function. The “form” in this instance being every male’s fantasy since he discovered the fuzzy channels.

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Although not likely fire retardant like true racecar driver attire, this racer outfit will be sure to get some motors running… Well, as long as you have low miles, no dents, and only minor scratches in your paint that is. Keep the zipper low to show off the headlights though, this makes for a good attention getter and doubles as a great way to get free drinks. Don’t get too wasted in this getup though, throwing up inside of a helmet can’t be pretty.

Most guys aren’t Harry Potter fans, but you might be able to convince a few to change their opinions for the night. Just keep Hogwarts out of the conversations, you might scare them into thinking you have some sort of rare STD.

 

Men’s Costumes

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Hugh Hefner – a simple idea and a simple costume to put together. What better person to impersonate on Halloween then the one man all other men admire? If you’ve got enough wrinkles on your face and you can find a dame drunk enough you might just fool someone.

You can’t go wrong with a large full body robe. Maybe you’re a wizard, maybe you’re the grim reaper, maybe you’re a Jedi or a Sith Lord, maybe you’re that guy from Scream/I Know What You Did Last Summer, maybe you’re naked underneath? Who knows? No one will probably ask so a hooded robe makes for the perfect mediocre last minute costume.  Plus it’ll hide the stiffy you got while dancing with the mermaid who should have bought a bigger coconut bra [but thankfully she didn't!].

You can’t go wrong with a recently deceased celebrity either. Steve Irwin and Heath Ledger were hits in the past, so I’m sure Michael Jackson will make a strong showing this year.

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Dressing as any Will Ferrell character is usually a success. Speaking of success, how about dressing as someone successful? Even if you wear flip-flops and basketball shorts the rest of the year, putting on dress shoes and slacks for a night of partying will be a great way to put a good foot forward to any lady you meet. Let her wallow in the disappointment, undependability, and immaturity that is you at a later date.

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Dressing as a star from an action movie has its drawbacks. While the girls probably won’t know who you are, all of the dudes will think you’re totally awesome. Guess it just depends on who’s attention you want, bro.

Videogames are on the rise; why not go as an iconic character? Most girls know who Mario and Luigi are, but avoid obscure heroes. Sure, that quest giver in Orgrimmar has really awesome armor, but most chicks wont want to be seen with a guy wearing cardboard cutouts of shoulder pads that increase your defense rating by only a mere 5 points.

Be a pimp. This costume rocks because you can pretty much say whatever is on your mind to any lady and they blow it off as you being in character. “No, seriously hoe, where’s my money?”

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Who hasn’t wanted to party with a giant gorilla before? Furry animals are usually a hit. Any animal lending toward sexual innuendo is a double victory though.

Dressing up as anything from Star Wars is a good way to protect your virginity. Sure the X-Wing pilot outfit may have been a great deal on eBay, but likely, the only Princess Leia’s you’re going to find are already at the party with a Han Solo or a Chewbacca [if they're kinda freaky].

 

Couple’s Costumes

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These costumes are all pretty embarrassing. They are made that way on purpose. These costumes are designed to make it nearly impossible for you to hit on anyone else and/or let anyone else mistake you for a single person there to mingle. Okay, maybe not the spoon… She might just really like cuddling and if you didn’t see the fork with her you might buy her a drink. After a giant fork threatens you with a knife you’ll probably develop some phobias of tableware, but, hey, you always wanted to get good at eating with chopsticks!

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The ball and chain costume seems like a solid idea for bondage couples who might be going to a party for their work. You know, a party where the typical full-body latex suits, nylon rope, metal spikes and strap on dildos would not be appropriate.

… I think I’d struggle a little bit to guess the bacon and egg costumes if I only saw them one at a time, though.

That’s it folks, good luck on picking your costume, toss around some ideas in the comments! Check back for some more Halloween tips, tricks, and treats in the days to come!

Papercuts On Fingertips

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-The first step in reaching immortality is not dying.

-Unlike most movies, going on a spiritual journey to find your inner self does not often involve learning cool Kung-Fu moves.

-If we ever do encounter aliens from another planet, my only hope is that they aren’t the kind of aliens that spontaneously burst out of your chest cavity.

-I don’t have any friends with benefits, but I do have several with disadvantages.

-James Bond is the only person that can be attempting to kill a woman and still somehow manage to seduce her into drinks and passionate sex back in his hotel room.

-We used to think of the future as being hovering cars and world peace, now it seems more like worldwide pollution, over population, and nuclear wars. The future isn’t what it used to be.

-Anytime I have a permanent marker and access to several road maps, I make sure to draw a fat X somewhere on every one of them. Everyone enjoys a good treasure hunt.

-The more severe your headache, the more everyone feels the need to talk as if they are in the front row of a Kiss concert trying to verbally explain thermodynamics to a deaf child.

-Time doesn’t heal all wounds; falling into a pit of hungry alligators is a good example of this.

-I bet a goldfish could kill a gorilla. The attack would have to rely heavily on the element of surprise.

-There’s actually a magazine called “Garden And Gun”. It covers, as the name suggests, gardening tips and superior firearms for the average American.

-A man in Virginia was called a nerd over the internet so he got into his car and drove 1,300 miles to Texas to burn down the other guy’s trailer. That’s dedication.

-Having your panties in a wad sounds like the most uncomfortable thing ever.

-When the sky is falling, no abundant amount of funny hats can save you.

-The key to living a good life is to have more credits for good deeds than withdrawals for favors.

Wide Eyed And Bushy Tailed

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-In this world of uncertainty and ever evolving changes, know that I’ll probably be here for you, in some shape or form.

-Call me old fashioned, but I like my telephones to feature a Dixie cup and some cheap string.

-Never, ever ask a woman “Are you done? Can I go?” Because, you sir, aint goin’ nowhere.

-Peace of mind is overrated.

-At one time in my life buying 10,000 pink flamingo yard ornaments sounded like a good investment.

-”Man, I haven’t seen you this confused since you found out that grilled stuffed burritos aren’t part of a balanced nutritious breakfast!”

-You know what beats a good excuse? Everything.

-High heels are kinda like a pushup bra for the derriere.

-I was rather disappointed at the lack of selection of chess board games at my local pawn shop.

-Silk flowers say “I’ll love you for a really long time” while real flowers say “I’ll love you for a week, maybe two, tops.”

-It’s not that blondes have more fun – they just get naked faster.

-In the book of life I want to have my own chapter and to not be lost in the foot notes.

-Fruit Roll-Ups are proof that coating anything in sugar and wrapping it plastic is a sure fire way to make anything delicious.

-There aren’t any prescription drugs to keep you from falling in love, but there are plenty of drugs to help you get over the love you lost.

-Girls want an honest man that even if a dress makes them look fat, he’ll elaborate on how great it makes their butt look. That’s the kind of honesty we can deliver.

-Pro tip: If your watch is only correct two times a day, you need to buy some new batteries.

-Those trick birthday candles that re-light themselves sure are a bitch. They’re great for when you want to burn your friend’s house down a couple times in a row though.

-I should have grown up to be a lunch lady.

Debauchery

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-There is a fine line between pain and pleasure. That’s why it’s recommended that you use a safety word.

-When you’re a secret assassin, sent around the world to take out the toughest targets, you’re outfit is everything. A ninja wearing a sombrero is not a good combination.

-It happens all the time in sitcoms and Hollywood movies, but you know those parts where the character goes into a lingerie store and a really hot employee volunteers to model the bra and panties for them? That never happens in real life. I bet that even if it did, it’d be more likely at a place like Wal-Mart and the person volunteering is someone you wouldn’t want to see wearing anything less than a ski jacket, parachute pants, military boots and a paper bag over their head.

-When a safe is unlocked, it’s no longer a safe. Instead, it’s just a really fucking heavy box.

-I had a dream the other night that I was tied up to the flag pole in front of my school, wearing only a pair of sneakers. I knew it was a dream when I was only concerned about getting someone walking by to tie my shoe laces rather than to cut me down.

-I’ll tell you the real secret to a great night’s sleep, and it has nothing to do with specialty beds. It’s simply three beers, a martini, two Long Island Iced Teas, a Sex on the Beach, and an Irish Car Bomb topped off with a Vegas Bomb. Best sleep ever! Although the morning after has little to be desired.

-I’m sure we’ve all had an instance of a phantom cell phone ring. That’s when you could have sworn you heard your phone ring but upon checking your cellular device, no calls were missed.

-Did you know that Cheech Marin from Cheech And Chong fame has a children’s book about a bus driver that teaches a mariachi band to compete against rock and roll bands in a battle of the bands contest? There’s even an animated movie to go along with it. [Amazon product page: http://www.amazon.com/Cheech-School-Bus-Driver-Marin/dp/0061132012 ]

-Digging to China sounds like a good idea, but after you’ve been shoveling for a couple of hours you get real hungry and kind of sweaty, then the idea just seems silly.

-Despite previous speculation that Van Gogh was a genius and through his own personal torment chopped his own ear off, new evidence has surfaced, and the truth is that Van Gogh lost his ear in a brothel sword fight. I’d say it’s about time for a big budget Van Gogh biography flick.

-I like my music like I like my women – loud and obnoxious.

Bathroom Etiquette For Men And Women

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Due to a rampant increase in the number of violations of the unspoken rules of the commode, I felt obligated to make this week’s focused post about the etiquette of public washrooms.

I am a man. In my life I have only been in a women’s bathroom three times and none of those times was to actually use the restroom. So, for the ladies’ part of this I enlisted the help of Suzie S., a fellow sufferer of my Microeconomics class. I wanted to link to something online of hers, but when I searched for her on Facebook, MySpace, and even Twitter, I could not find her anywhere on the internet. This leads me to believe that Suzie is either A) an illegal alien, B) a fugitive, or C) an actual space alien. Anyways, on to the guide…

WOMEN:
-Like the urinal man laws, it is recommended for ladies to choose the stall furthest from any other matrons. The only exception is when there are few stalls or a line has formed and you are pressured to hurry.

-Noise should be kept to a strict minimum. No one wants to hear your business or your straining.

-Similar to the men’s rules, conversation while in the lavatory should be limited to your friends when near the sink area. Conversations between stall walls only lead to awkwardness for the other users inside the bathroom.

-The conversation guidelines are relaxed while inside a bathroom at a bar or club where slightly intoxicated and giggly girls are more plentiful.

-Flush, always flush and then flush again for safety sake.

-When disposing feminine products, hide them in a way that you would hide a personal diary when you were younger. No one wants to see these things, dispose of them in an adequate fashion.

-When undecided if you are willing to sit on the seat or just crouch over it due to safety concerns or a possible hygienic safety breach, remember that the noise rules still apply and whichever way you decided to conduct your business, noise should be kept to a minimum.

-The use of cell phones is not permitted inside the restroomateria.

-When applying makeup at the sink counter, please be prompt. The primary purpose of the sink is clean your hands, the secondary purpose is to aid matrons in coloring themselves up to look like skanks.

MEN:
-Under no circumstances are you to use the urinal exactly next to another patron. Always choose the urinal that is furthest from anyone else. If this choice is not possible than you shall use a stall.

-If only urinating in a stall, it is appropriate to leave the stall door open so other patrons can clearly see that you are observing the distance law, and will allow them access to a stall in merely a few seconds.

-Similar to the conversation guidelines for women, conversation should be kept to a minimum. Even if the conversing is between friends, talking should be kept to a minimum as not to scare the other occupants.

-Whenever there is a line for a busy restroom, the only acceptable comments made to strangers are statements about how there is a line and how this is starting to look like the women’s restroom.

-Noise in general should also be kept to a minimum. No one wants to hear you conducting business, nor do they want to hear your straining and grunting.

-If someone before you did not flush their #2, that stall is considered to be out of order. Use another stall/urinal.

-When at a bar or club, where the number of intoxicated guests is high, it is recommended to not touch anything inside the bathroom at all. Not flushing after a #1 is considered acceptable in these circumstances.

-You have one minute to wash your hands, but only 10 seconds to check your appearance in the mirror. Any longer than 10 seconds and you are in violation of the swiftness guideline that is to follow.

-When using the lavatory it is not a race, but it most certainly is. You are to be quick, prompt, and accurate, especially in a busy restroom.

-Eye contact should be kept to a very strict minimum.

-The use of cell phones in public washrooms is not permitted. You do not want to be texting your grandmother who is in the hospital and be mistaken for taking pictures of other users in this vulnerable location.

-Flush once, if not everything goes away, flush again. After that, it’s a maintenance problem.