Tag Archives: would you rather

Friday The Thirteenth Plus One

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-It takes me a while to get through tough decisions. Usually, I don’t even decide to put pants on until about 9:30pm.

-Whoever agrees with the saying that “It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all” has obviously never met any of my ex’s.

-The only thing that separates us from animals is a combination of ditches and wire fencing. At least that’s the case at all of the zoos I’ve ever been to.

-Rearview mirrors were totally invented so you could check your makeup while driving a car. Pretty genius of those automakers, huh?

-If you had to choose one, would you rather always have to sit in traffic when you drive or be in a minor collision every time you go somewhere?

-When I die, I want to be buried in a ball pit at a random Chuck E Cheese. If that last request can’t be met, then I’d like to be cremated in the median of a busy highway during 5 o’clock traffic on a Friday. If this last request also cannot be met, I want to be cremated in private and have my ashes mixed with a bag of confetti and spread across town during a local parade.

-“Talk dirty to me.”

“Crumbs, dust, cobwebs, mud, mold, and asbestos.”

“You’re such an asshole.”

-The truth will set you free, or send you away to prison for a long, long time. Just depends, ya know.

-Fear Factor just needs to bite the bullet and make their contestants eat raw human flesh.

- I couldn’t worship the devil even if I wanted to. There aren’t any virgin females available to sacrifice for miles and miles.

-If actual minesweeping was as fun as Minesweeper is on the computer, I would have signed up for the military a long time ago!

Pass Through The In-Between

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-I had a dream that I was crowd-surfing at a huge rock concert… naked.

-Would you rather be cut in half slowly by a sharp object or quickly by a blunt object? I know, you’d rather not be in cut in half, but suppose you had to pick one.

-You only have to do one cock push-up.

-Firecrackers are by far the most entertaining way to lose one of your digits.

-Time travel is only possible after having several mixed drinks. You will be able to skip several hours of the night, but then you will spend nearly a week trying to figure out what happened while you were caught in the space/time continuum.

-Without the weapons, armies would just be terrible fashion trends literally sweeping across a nation.

-Introducing food into a romantic evening can be interesting, but a honey basted turkey and an entire pan of cornbread is taking things a little too far. Unless it’s Thanksgiving, then I suggest you at least wait until the family leaves the dinner table.

-I bet the nation suicide rate would drop dramatically if you had to include a works cited page with your suicide note.

-The day I perfect my longhand will likely be the day I die.

-Don’t blame the elephants when they go on a rampage during a circus. After all of those years being forced to sit on that little round stool and eat stale peanuts I’d want to step on some necks too. Same goes for the motorcycle riding bears and the tigers that jump through rings of fire.

-You can’t run from your problems, especially when your problem is a treadmill.

-I have a great cheesy superhero name just itching to become a monthly comic: Max Douche. He has the ability to one-up anything you say and is always dating obnoxious bitches. Under his cape he has a holster to hold his cheap cologne, a pack of condoms, a bottle opener and a pack of ping pong balls for beer pong.

-If I owned a magic flying school bus, the last thing I would do would go on adventures with the intent to learn.

-I’ve given out all of my advice, so now that I need help there’s nothing to turn to.

-Life is game; a shitty one. It is full of liars and cheaters who will steal your paper money and skip two spaces as soon as you aren’t looking. I’m watching you Top Hat!

Thoroughly Confused

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-I don’t French kiss, I American kiss. If you don’t know what that is, well then my friend, you’re missing out!

-Seeing is believing! Well, unless you’re blind, then it’s just believing.

-Torturing someone really takes a lot out of you. That’d be a good advertisement for an energy drink. “Running out of toenails to remove? Broken all of the less important bones already? Still not getting the confession you wanted? Save the jumper-cables-to-the-gonads trick for when you really need it, grab a PRODUCT NAME HERE!”

-Now that I think about it… I haven’t been tied up and whipped in a really long time.

-It hurts when you get your finger nicked in your zipper, but it’s just plain embarrassing when you get it nicked in someone else’s.

-You know the best part about the new Transformers 2 trailer? It’s not the new Transformers, it’s not the crazy action and multitude of explosions, and it’s not even the part with the giant sand eating monster. It’s the part where Megan Fox is pretending to work on a motorcycle. I’ve never wanted to be a leather seat so bad in my entire life. [Video link: http://movies.yahoo.com/movie/1809943432/video/13222062 ]

-Rape victims should have the ability to decide the punishment for the accused. I think that would really put a dent in the amount of sexual assault crimes.

-”If you don’t go to other men’s funerals, they won’t go to yours.” – Clarence Day

-I want to live to be over a hundred just so I can party like it’s 99′ twice.

-If you have any qualms about buying a Wal-Mart brand product, why in the hell would you go to their pharmacy for medical advice?

-Swine Flu is pretty much a game of cooties played by adults. This time instead of pinches and flirty gestures, it’s a bunch of hand sanitizer, flu masks, and an occasional death.

-A pornographic film is being made somewhere in the United States roughly every 39 minutes.

-There is only one think deadlier than Chuck Norris? Zombie Chuck Norris.

-Would you rather be hit by a slow moving bus and killed or hit by a small car repeatedly until you were killed?

-If you have to ask the audience for a round of applause, then it wasn’t deserving of applause in the first place.

-Happy birthday, dad.

Calling Myself Names

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-Scarecrow: you have to appreciate that name for how honest and literal it is. Now we just need to start calling shoes “foot holders”, umbrellas “rain stoppers”, and condoms “can’t feel a thing might as well be jerking it”.

-You know a music album is really terrible when you download it but yet still feel ripped off.

-When you go to a strip club and your dancer has nipples that taste like cheap beer, it’s a sign that you probably weren’t the first to kiss her nibbly-bibblies. Either that or she has some seriously awesome hygienic mutation.

-Speaking of strip clubs, have you ever noticed that stories about trips to a strip club are a lot like fishing stories? Each time you hear the story told it gets wilder and crazier than the last version you heard. “So there I was, at Heart Stoppers’ Gentlemen’s Club, under one arm I had the head of the robotic dinosaur I had to kill in the parking lot and under the other arm I was carrying the urn filled with my grandmother’s ashes. Guess who came on stage to dance next! …Come on, guess!? Carmen fucking Electra, man! It was a crazy night!”

-Rumors travel around the office almost as fast as Chlamydia. If rumors travelled faster then the office would have known that sleeping with each other on the latest business trip would a great way to get an STD.

-I was talked into having a few drinks by this great tag line “This tequila is so good, it will make love to your mouth.” The part they didn’t tell me was that it wasn’t nearly as loving or as gentle the next morning when it passed through my mouth a second time.

-If I’m ever stranded in the desert, I’ll just call a friend and have them mail me some ice cubes or something. Sounds like a good plan to me.

-I want to start my own delicious pastry business. To stand out though, all of our products will be named depressing names, like Cupcakes of Misery, As Close As You’ll Ever Get To The Feeling of The Real Thing Apple Pie, and Because You Live In Your Mom’s Basement Chocolate Chip Cookies. At check-out, we’ll insult your appearance.

-Pretend you were in some weird knife swallowing accident and your voice box was forever damaged; would you rather have to sound like Darth Vader or have to talk like Elmo from Sesame Street for the rest of your life?

-Well now I’m off to the gym; partially to get in shape, but mostly because I enjoy being surrounded by sweaty, smelly people.